Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Where does the love go?

(216 Posts)
debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 04:13:12

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 04:55:07

You have another option and that is to tell him to pack his bags and go live elsewhere so that you have the time and space to deal with the magnitude of his betrayal.

He's acting out the tired old hackneyed script of every adulterous twunt known to woman, namely: find fault with his nearest and dearest to justify him taking up with an ow.

Don't believe a word he says. Chances are he's having a fullblown legover ongoing affair and, if she's married and is waiting for the right moment to leave her dh, he's wanting to have to his cake and eat it - as they all yawn do.

Tell him he can 'take stock' elsewhere and keep posting, honey.

Through no fault of your own, you have embarked on a roller coaster--steep learning curve and the wise counsel of women who've --ridden to the top nd dumped on their twunts from a great height already marked the trail will be here to steer you through the rocky days ahead

By the time you get through this you WILL be asking yourself what wsa the point of him and you'll look at your 2 ds and know that, whatever the cost to yourself, it was worth it.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 05:01:50

Strike through fail! Please remove --- from 'roller coaster'.

Btw, while on the subject of bad news, if you've unwittingly been engaging in sexual relations with him, you're best advised to get tested for stis as your nearest GUM clinic.

After all, you've only got his word that he hasn't had sex with the ow and we may as well establish from the off whether you're going to put your trust in a man who's betrayed yours, or those who've been where you are now and come out into the light the other side.

4aminsomniac Fri 04-Jan-13 05:46:11

I agree, the options he has laid out aren't the only ones!

I know you both want to look out for D, but give yourself even a short 'space' asking him to go for a while. He may try and make you feel responsible for breaking up the family, but remember that he acted badly, you are just reacting.

Asking him to leave for a while shows him that he is not in control, this is a partnership. It will show him clearly what he may lose because of what he has done, and may make it more likely that he will want to try and mend the relationship... if YOU decide that that is what you want!

AppearingDignified Fri 04-Jan-13 05:58:53

Bastard. Please follow the MN advice of getting him out. I've seen 2 girlfriends this year try to fix the marriage through love and support and they are shells of their former self. It is not a path for dignity.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 09:51:30

"feels like I have no option but to wait and see "

He is behaving extraordinarily cruelly and no way should you have to demean yourself to waiting for him to give you the thumbs up or thumbs down. You should be no-one's fall-back, no-one's second choice.

I know what you're thinking. If you chuck him out he will simply run to her arms and be lost to you forever. But better to be in control than to be a bit-player in your own life, waiting for others to get their head out of their arse long enough to decide your fate.


debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 10:08:03

Don't want the relationship to end. I feel more upset by the fact - if he's not lying - that they had a spiritual and emotional connection - his words. He has also just posted on facebook - summary of the 2012 - that one of the highlights was gaining an amazing, inspirational new friend. I am hoping someone asks him who this is. .. hopefully not my family members who are on facebook.

Just feels that he is pulling all the strings. We both acknowledged that kids and work come first - not much time left over .. but he is saying that he is not sure he wants a relationship with me anymore beyond friends, might like a trial separation but says he will always be there for me. Just wonder if he is trying to let me down gently

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 10:15:35

If he's trying to let you down gently he's making an utter balls of it. Yes, he's pulling all the strings... including the one he's currently got you dangling from and twisting slowly in the wind.

You may not want the relationship to end but he's saying it's over. He wants you to say 'it's over' so he can pretend he's the good guy. And I hope you laugh in his face when he says he wants to be your friend. 'Friends' do not shit on each other from a great height and then pretend they are doing you a favour.

Please don't allow him to torture you a minute longer. The word you're struggling to say is 'GO'.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 04-Jan-13 10:20:51

Your only chance of saving the marriage is to stop being clingy. You need to pull back and tell him YOU want space to consider if you can stay with him after this massive betrayal so he has to go and stay with a friend/relative for a while.

I know this will go against your feelings but until he realises what he stands to lose, he will not fight for you.

LOSS is the only thing that motivates cheaters.

I would also get this book:

crazygracieuk Fri 04-Jan-13 10:29:49

It will be easier for both of you to think things through while you live separately.

I threw h out on 30 December as he had been having an affair and its amazing how much I've emotionally gone through in just 6 days. She has gone from "Soulmate" to "Annoying" in that short time. I suspect it's normal boring domestic stuff like washing being the problem. Lol

He's been honest with you and said that he would go off with ow if she was available. If you stay with him you'll be waiting for the day he left. You'd be wondering if he was thinking about her when with you and it will destroy your soul.

If you and your h are meant to be (and I think not) then your best bet is to separate and wait for him to think about what he wants.

dequoisagitil Fri 04-Jan-13 10:37:11

Please take control.

While you let him dither and moon over his 'love' for the OW, he devalues you and your relationship in his head. If you make yourself a doormat, he will wipe his feet on you. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Be strong and tell him to leave.

Don't sleep with him, don't let him blither to you about his deep and abiding lurve for some other woman - it will not make him choose you, it will ruin your self-esteem and he will think he can do anything and you'll still be his safety net.

If he sees the cold hard reality of having to do for himself, of not having the home comforts, of everyone thinking what an unfaithful twat he is - he'll quickly see what he's giving up. Kicking him out won't be making him choose her - if he's going to do that, he will anyway.

Slippersox Fri 04-Jan-13 11:11:06

Agree with all above you need to take control and call the shots.I realise how terrifying that will seem after a long marriage even though he has betrayed and hurt you hugely there's a fear of 'losing' him.But he is the one who needs to face the stark reality of what he stands to lose.FWIW I rebuilt my marriage after the pain of finding out DH had kept his friendship with an OW from work a secret for months, it was brought to my attention by her DH finding sexually explicit messages between them.
However, and this is critical IMO ,as soon as it was discovered the affair bubble burst dramatically and DH ceased all contact immediately with OW and focused ALL his efforts on us and our marriage.
Had he been posting comments on Facebook about his amazing spiritual friend his bags would have most certainly been on the drive.As it was I made a big mistake initially not asking him to move out for a few days to allow me to process the shock, anger and hurt I felt.You need some space, and he needs to wake up to the enormity of his cruel behaviour.
We did work things through ,and hard as it was I'm very glad we did.But your DH has gone much further with the process of detachment from you and your marriage, as typified by his treatment of you and your DSs over Xmas.I don't subscribe to the total kick the bastard out forever reaction,but agree with Mad about Hot Choc.The Shirley Glass book gives valuable insights into how boundaries of friendship get blurred and the damage done as a result.
Ultimately only time and how your DH behaves from now on will tell you if you feel your marriage is salvageable and worth the huge effort it takes to rebuild things.All the best and get some RL support from a close ,trusted friend would be my advice also.

debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 14:23:20

but what an adjustment to make. .. so many ways in we rely on each other for practical stuff and some many life events together.

And why is saying nice things to me too - surely it can't be just because he feels sorry for me? must be genuine.

just can't contemplate him leaving kids and gradually withdrawing from them which must be inevitable (makes me feel physically angry towards him) - they are boys and need their dad.

We are not in the throes of romantic love and I am approaching menopause (I also think he might be having a mid life crisis)- I thought we were just at the life stage of busy working couple with lots going on and would re-discover our relationship more as kids got older. BTW he is really into a particular sport which takes us a lot of his leisure time - I thought letting him have this time (which impacts on other areas of our life) was my way of showing him I valued him but I admit I do get exasperated sometimes.

Is it just sex - he wants more, something new - younger firmer body?

He makes the new relationship sound like the one - as if ours has been nothing

debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 14:28:54

He said he has been unhappy for a while - not getting enough emotion or sex from me. I also reinforced this when he first told me ( and I was upset and angry) that I would persecute him/his new partner if he did not maintain his emotional and time investment in our children... and that for me they were the greatest loves of my life.

Thanks for book recommendation - have downloaded and will probably be up most of the night reading.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 14:29:56

"And why is saying nice things to me too - surely it can't be just because he feels sorry for me? must be genuine."

Not at all. It's because he wants you to like him. It's astonishing how often nasty men like your husband, having crapped on their partners from a great height, shattering their dreams, crushing their self-esteem.... persist with the 'don't be angry with me', 'I want to be friends' nicey-nicey routine. Sickening.

"they are boys and need their dad."

And he should have thought of that before he smashed your family apart. I'm glad you're angry about how he's treating them but you have to start being angry about how he's treating you.

"mid life crisis"

Resist making excuses for him.

" it just sex - he wants more, something new - younger firmer body?"

Please don't torture yourself wondering why he's done this and making comparisons where you come off worse. He is acting out of purely selfish motives that you will probably never understand, and has no regard for you whatsoever.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 14:32:25

"He said he has been unhappy for a while - not getting enough emotion or sex from me."

Has he been reading 'Cheating Husbands for Dummies'? This is a really common excuse for cheats. Means the blame is not theirs, it's yours. Other variations are that 'it was a mistake to get married in the first place'...'I'm not sure I've ever really loved you'.

It's why you have to get him out of your house and quickly. The longer he sticks around poisoning your mind with all of this tripe, the worse you are going to feel.

Apocalypto Fri 04-Jan-13 14:36:42

If he's not sure whether he's staying or going then he's going, surely.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 04-Jan-13 16:22:32

He probably had the affair because of the ego boosting attentions from OW - this can be very addictive if you are vulnerable (e.g have crap boundaries, low self esteem or other issues).

Its up to him to look into himself to find out what what made him give himself permission to choose cheating as a way of resolving his issues.

There is nothing you can do except to take control of the situation by getting him to go.

Slippersox Fri 04-Jan-13 16:45:36

Agree with Mad about again.Hard as it is you need to be strong and take the lead.Dont allow him to stay and mess with your head.Whatever mid-life issues he has he could have discussed them with you but he chose to look outside your marriage for an ego boost and short term fix.I suspect it was an opportunistic affair brought about by the close proximity and convenience of working alongside this OW, who no doubt flirted with and flattered him, and vice versa.
Please don't allow him to make you feel responsible.Only so sorry you are going through this.

debtherat Sat 05-Jan-13 04:33:43

Managed to sleep for 4 hours tonight - a massive relief but waking up just hits you like a wall - can't lose this person, mainly good for over 25 years. ... but he thinks it is the end of us even though the OW is not (he says) prepared to take things further and they are not now in working contact with each other.....he won't talk about her to me (hurts too much that she's gone and it would be unfaithful to her)..... but he also says he sees his future trying out new relationships to find the right one for him (ouch)... think he's looking to play the field, find this level of new love emotional excitement joy again because with OW has seen it is possible and wants it again while he still has a chance/youth on his side. He wants to do right by our 2 DS, have more family time but not look at us - a lost cause? I think he feels bad about kids and me (although deep affection for me). If I let him go (although not for me to choose) his new life/loves will quickly help him forget and in spite of best intentions kids will suffer big time (and further on into their lives) and I don't see anything for me in this scenario (practical and financial struggles and emotional isolation of being a single parent)... no wonder I feel sick.

debtherat Sat 05-Jan-13 04:36:20

And talking about impact on kids, he said they would get over it - lack of emotional intellience or what? or putting his own needs/wants first?

debtherat Sat 05-Jan-13 04:43:13

I still think there is a lot unsaid in all of this about our sex life - lack of/quality of - we have had a good sex life but less of it since kids and very little recently - I see it a part of our life stage - we can't have sex anytime, any place and neither initiates but if he does, I am normally up for it and always enjoy it.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 05-Jan-13 08:27:58

He is putting himself first - do you need a selfish entitled man like him in your life? He is addicted to the buzz and excitement of having an OW.

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Kick him out.

He needs to feel hard cold reality hitting him hard - loss of his home comforts, loss of respect from friends and family, having to deal with the realities of being a Macdonald Dad (all child access to take place outside YOUR home), paying CSA and maintenance and not having anyone to launder, clean, cook, iron and shop for him.

The more you hang onto him, the more selfish he will become - there won't be an incentive for him to change.

AloeSailor Sat 05-Jan-13 08:36:41

What a shithead

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 08:51:51

" think he's looking to play the field, find this level of new love emotional excitement joy again because with OW has seen it is possible and wants it again while he still has a chance/youth on his side."

You've got it in one. So are you going to let him do it on your time and insult you? Or are you finally going to show him the door?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: