Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Izzyizin,Lueji, Blackcurrants and all DV posters are you there?(175 Posts)
(old thread springaroundthecorner/Domestic violence, done the right thing now what?)
Sorry I know there are many others who have posted great support but have just choosen names that I have seen on the board recently.
Really asking for support. I went to the "appeal" today and it turns out to be full fucking new crown court trial. I was in Witness box for 2 hours plus 1 hour lunch break. I was called a liar about 50 times and I am in total shock.
It is not even over. It will continue tomorrow but I am done (In every sense.) It was so bad that the Witness Support lady said she would be reporting it to her manager and had never seen the like of it in a DV case before. I am not sure I should even be talking about it seeing as it is not over but as not giving details hope it is ok.
The court clerk type person - I know he wasnt and not sure of his title but he sat in and had a clip board and seemed to know a lot about procedure said that the barrister was v senior and that the judge was not stopping him because he would be afraid of procedural complaints.
He said that was actually a good thing as he would have brought it to a swift end for my sake should he feel he was going to have to overturn the original verdict. The CPS barrister was lovely and very kind. He said I had done well. My friend who came said that too but it didnt feel like I had. I got quite angry but they said I came across as decent and honest. I am actually embarassed as when the judge said we were stopping for lunch I said to him I cant do any more and he ignored me of course. He was kind at the end and I said thank you when he said I could go.
Sorry this is not very well written but worn out.
I am pretending
I have they have AF
Apparently it is almost impossible to get up and down from the loo for weeks. That'll be nice for OW, helping him out.
Has somebody kneecapped the fucker ??
Oh, happy days !
hah! I have dropped my phone* on the head of BOTH currantboys now, poor lads - mind you, both are growing big and strong so it'll probably be fine. Can't believe I have a four week old now!
*and worse. One earnest new mother friend of mine, when we were both pfb-ish and talking about weaning, asked me when DS1 might be 'exposed to peanut allergens' and I said "less than a week old, when I dropped my toast on his head." he has no food allergies and REALLY likes peanut butter on toast, so .. yay!
I have definitely been Springy today - After I posted earlier I started dancing round my kitchen to a song on the radio doing some knees up moves! How pleased I am not to have to look after Twunt in his pain.......
I had no idea there was such a thing as the National Careers Service. Thanks Slambang. I will register on line over the weekend. Another few lines in the Yr 5 Project file!
Blackcurrants I am delighted you are not risking Little Currant posting on my thread to much. Back in the day I couldnt even always manage to turn a page successfully on a paperback and many a time dropped it on a baby Springy. . They are all keen readers so it didnt do lasting harm
Hi Springy - I've been lurking more than posting recently because of the baby - I can read MN on my phone while feeding him but not quite co-ordinated enough to post! However I am reading and sending you ALL the good vibes. And I love the idea of the Year 5 project ... so pointless, but exactly how you get the edge on The Evil One, so well done you!
Wow Springy. You are so well-named bouncing back already - BOIIINNG!!
The Job Centre idea sounds good but as you're working already I don't think they'll be much help
not that they are much help anyway. They can only 'supoort' <hollow laugh> those on work related benefits. So unless you are working few enough hours that you're eligible to go on JSA then you wont even get to speak to an adviser.
You could go to see a careers adviser at the National Careers Service. They offer a free face to face service and can help with job search, CVs etc plus give you lots of
unnecessary paperwork for your file.
I did have sweet dreams. I slept beautifully with the hypnosis/twunt in hospital combo!
I agree about the carer thing. What an escape I've had. The two of them will have a dose of reality these next few weeks.
Regarding the recruitment fair, I'm waiting to hear back with a thanks for attending letter which I will add to my "project" . I've wondered about a job centre registration so will give it a go. Great suggestion.
A friend had new knees, she said it was the worst pain she had ever experienced; let's hope he falls down stairs! <evil>
Oh! and OW will enjoy being nursemaid to a grumpy old man, as someone said on another thread, when you are with a much older man you soon stop being the girlfriend and quickly become the carer, she will rapidly get bored with playing Florence Nightingale.
How is your fifth form school holiday project for his solicitor progressing, did you get plenty of paperwork from the recruitment fair for your file? I remember the job centre had a department for graduates etc, they were useless but churned out reams of forms/letters. Might be worth seeing if something like that is still available and getting on their books?
Good news about the hypnotherapist, sweet dreams Spring.
Its all you brilliant lot supporting and advising me
I'm going to sleep well tonight what with the hypnosis cd and Twunt held up in hospital...
Good to know you are doing better.
Regarding counselling, it must be all the practice you do at MN.
Thought I would share this bit of news with you. Twunt is in hospital having had two new knees fitted. He just sent a message to DS3 to impart this
satisfying piece of information. Says he is very sore. Isnt that a shame?? As DS hates him, it beggars belief that he thinks he might get some kind of sympathy! We both laughed when he read out the message to me!
I've have been to see a hypnotherapist. She is helping me to stop thinking about the court experience and also to sleep better. It was fantastic and even in one session I feel much better. She said she thought it would only take possibly 3 sessions as I have such a good understanding of my own emotions. That felt very good.
I went to the recruitment fair today. Most odd. Turned up, filled an application form in, sat around with a load of silent people and had an interview which consisted mostly of being told about the company but little about the job..They will get back to me if successful for a second interview. This should cover trying to find a job with more money quite nicely were it not for the fact that I never found out about the salary. I couldnt bring myself to ask. Is that pathetic? Perhaps I would have been told if they had been interested in me? Whatever, job done and got home before it snowed too much.
Being the Springy I am, felt very sorry for those who really were desperate to get a job. You could see it on their faces. Good to get out and see others who are seemingly worse off than me though for keeping me going.
Blackcurrants I would have never been off MN if it had existing when I was BF'ing. I found it a whole new experience with each baby. None of the 3 fed anything like the same way and DC3 BF experience was a nightmare. It stopped me being so evangelical about it!
I have mentioned MN to pregnant friends, specifically the breastfeeding advice on here, which helped me enormously with DS1- it's great to have a place to ask is this normal, or just vent !
I would blush if people read my posts, though. I don't exactly try to be witty on here
I hope you have some beautiful bright winter days and are feeling a little better each morning, Spring x
So glad you're doing better and talking to people in RL too.
I mention MN occasionally, and have sent the link to a thread to a friend.
Ah, Springy, I don't talk about MN to anyone either except occasionally sending helpful links to people after which I usually namechange!
Thought I would have a bit of a name change. . It is part of trying to recover.
Yipee, I slept all night but then I did an awful lot of talking to friends yesterday and it does help. Offload is a wonderful description. I was free to sleep.
Blackcurrants you make me feel better knowing you do that too. . In my defence there is a long running thread on here that I knew would help a friend and I sent her a link to it so I dont keep it to myself entirely, just my bit!
hahaha, it's reasonable to be a,bit coy about MN- I am with everyone but DH , who knows it is my social life at the moment as I sit at home with a newborn! also when we are puzzling over something one of the boys he asks what MN suggests! whoops!
Yes, definitely going for the reframing idea. It has already helped.
My solicitor rang today. She said not to stress about the job hunting for now and was just generally kind and supportive. I told her about the recruitment day and she said I was good to even consider going and that it most certainly would be more than enough for the time being.
I have also spoken with a hypnotherapist I heard give a talk recently and have got an appointment for next week. She is a trained psychotherapist too and when I explained the situation and how well I had been doing only to suffer this latest set back she said her therapy was ideal (which I knew) so I am going next week. I'm quite excited about it actually. It interests me on an intellectual level.
I have taken up all of your ideas in some way or other. I had coffee with a friend today and she said who is it who is giving you all this amazing advice? I said of all sorts of people really. I didnt want to say MN [even though she is a wonderful friend]
With regards to the agencies (and the non existent salary info) - the usual process is :
1. You send your cv to the agency expressing interest in a role. (At this point you may hear no more.)
2. If you are a possibility, the agency will usually ring you and interview you by phone. At this point they will give you more information about the job (including salary, location etc). This is very much a filtering interview on their part. (At this point too you may hear no more.)
3. If you and the agent decides you are a match with the job, they will ask if you would like to be put forward for the role. Of course if pay etc is not to your liking you can say no. (At this point too you may hear no more.)
4. The CV (or highlights of it) are forwarded to the employer along with a number of others. Other agencies may also be sending CVs for the same role to the employer. (At this point again you may hear no more.)
5. The employer selects (perhaps 3 or 4) from the CVs they've been sent to call candidates for face to face interviews. Again you'll hear more details about salary etc and have the option of backing out politely if it's not a good offer. (Again at this point you may hear no more.)
So you see there are plenty of points at which you'll learn more about the role and where you can say no thanks. And plenty of points where you can be given the impression the job's in the bag and nothing happens...
One query though: recruitment agencies have a habit of sounding really positive to everybody and will be optimistic about your chances of earning mega bucks as they want good people on their books. They may not be honest if you ask how likely it will be that you can get a better paid job - chances are they'll say oh yes, we can help you earn stacks more money. (Not what you need!)
I'd suggest that you might get a more honest report about your chances from a careers adviser or an employer in your sector. Or have a totally honest - cards on the table talk with an agent you have built up a report with. Explain why you need the report and that they need to be as
pessimistic realistic as possible.
Keep going Spring. You're nearly out the other side. I really like Oldqueenie's reframing. Yes, this is just so you get what you deserve out of STBX. you are taking control over him.
Glad to be of some small help! Do you have to give it to his solicitor though - or can someone else 'check' it? Either which way, take copies/photographs of everything / send things recorded - or via your own solicitor if possible with a header letter from them?
You mentioned 18months until moving, but - if you will be looking for a school start for September 2014, it means you'll be able to apply for Secondary school places by this coming September - 2013. Looking at catchment areas, amenities, travelling times and places to live could start this spring/summer even? Plus any housemove will take planning, organising, finding a home, setting up tenancy/mortgage etc... so hopefully you will be feeling the wind of (even more) change soon
RE: nighttime, I wondered if you used pinterest.com at all?
I find scrolling the pictures at night can aid sleep / distract thoughts a bit more than MN - (or at least when it is mixed in with some browsing of Active Conversations anyway!) you more than likely have heard of it, but worth a look if not.
Small steps, you've come so bloody far [[ pat on back ]]
I don't care springy...you are an inspiration. It doesn't matter what the outcome is now
Here here AF
I too have little experience of court proceedings but DV was a HUGE part of my past. I want to applaud your courage and strength. And give you a ((hug)) if that's okay.
How about trying to reframe this job hunting business? Rather than viewing it as him / the court pushing you about, maybe try to see it as the means by which you are going to make sure you get what you are entitled to from him / the court... Just a thought....
Very sorry to hear last night was so hard. Hope today things feel just a bit more manageable / hopeful. You've just been through an incredibly stressful experience. Not at all surprising to be very affected by it. this too shall pass! x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.