Laugh, Cry, Indifference?

[ThunderInMyHeart]

Hi all,

I'll try my best to keep it short - there's so much to say and I'm exhausted from it all as it is.

Some days I hate him. Others I adore him. Some days he adores me and the next, for no reason at all, he'll message me at work and blame me for everything, says he'll be so much happier alone and brings up things that happened 3 years ago e.g. that I 'was a tyrant and forbid him to see a friend' etc (the 'friend' was insulting me to DH's face, and DH (married 18 months) was doing zero to stand up for me).

My parents urge me to leave him.
He has Aspergers.

I'm always to blame and he is perfect, apparently.

Huge blow today: he recently got his job back but forgot to do some admin/clerical stuff, whose deadline has now passed. Instead of contacting someone and trying to get around it, he's just downed tools and refused to budge. I feel like I always have to pick him up and encourage him - whilst later getting told that I 'control him' and whatnot.

I'm 25 and, if I did leave him or let him leave me (he essentially, due to ASD wants to live alone in a studio flat and never have to interact with people), I don't know if I could survive in the dating world and get on with life easily. I know, it sounds pathetic. A few months ago I would be crying right now; instead, I just feel indifferent and so 'blah'. I'm spent.

A huge source of conflict is money. The first year of marriage saw me paying for everything (his capital is in a foreign currency and we were both students). When he failed various exams/found life tough, he said he was going back to his home country. I then demanded half the money back (he thinks I'm ridiculous to have interpreted this whole thing as him leaving me and turning his back). He made excuses for months to not give me my fair share - bad currency rate, he wanted to see bank statements etc etc. It finally came to a head when I had to get my parents to demand it out of him.

DH calls this 'extortion' etc etc etc. We're living together and I have to pay rent on my own as he says 'I already overpaid you (his allegation only), so I'm not paying rent' - I can't kick out someone with whom I'm trying to save a marriage, can I?

His grandmother gave the two of ussome money at Christmas. I asked for him to transfer my half into my bank account. He refuses.

I'm so angry and yet so 'can't be bothered any longer'.

Please, someone, tell me what to do and make it all make sense?

[tzella]

I'm spent. I can't be bothered any longer

This is brilliant. You're done and it's over. He has been awful for years and years and it took a long time to realise that you don't have to do it anymore.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Diagnosed illness or not, his behaviour towards you is not acceptable in a partnership - one that is designed for mutual support and love.

You can't live going from highs of adoration to lows of blame. Just because he adores you some of the time does not mean he can do it all of the time. Adoration in itself is pretty unhealthy: it may be more pleasant than being blamed for everything, but it still shows lack of acceptance for the complete, imperfect, and lovable person that you are.

Your self-esteem is waaaaay too low if you think at 25 that you couldn't handle the dating world again. What could you do to boost your self-image? Low self-esteem is the biggest reason for staying in unacceptable relationships.

Only you can decide what to do. To help you do this, take the time to ask yourself what you really want, need, and deserve in a relationship. Then match that list up with what you have in your current marriage, and decide whether you can do without your unmet needs, whether your husband can change to meet them, or whether you can't do without them, he won't meet them, so this marriage is simply not acceptable to you anymore.

[Lueji]

Yes, cut your losses short and move on.

You are ONLY 25!

I wasn't even married at 25.
I was starting my PhD and life was ahead of me.

If you stick with this man, on the other hand... your life can only spiral downwards.
At some point you'll have children (I assume you don't yet), he'll be in your life forever because of them, and you'll feel much more difficult to leave him because of them.

[ThunderInMyHeart]

It's just that some days he does behave and is what I need to him to be. Our relationship was literally perfect in the beginning - the envy of everyone.

And now it's sunk so low.

If he just pulled his finger out, we'd be fine again. But he can't be bothered to send an e-mail to save his job (the loss of which caused us so many problems for months).

I'm torn between telling myself 'you're too optimistic and unrealistic, Thunder' and 'no, this is how a loving wife should be and feel'.

My crimes, according to him, are:

• that friend mentioned above
  
• extorting money from him
  
• controlling him e.g. he said that before he would worry 'oh, I shouldn't buy these shoes because Thunder may not like them' (I never conditioned him on what he could/not wear)
  
• I punished him for his sexual past (he had told me a previous girlfriend was 29 when he was 18/19...it later emerged she was 39 and he was 17). I was upset and shocked and didn't take the revelation of a lie easily
  
• I punished him everyday for months about his family (his grandmother had slagged off our wedding, worn white to the reception and failed to give us a wedding present. My complaint to him was that he needed to tell her this was not acceptable)
  
• that I told his therapist he had discussed pornography with a stranger (female) in a restaurant when I wasn't there ('pornography' is slanderous, apparently. The film was 'In the Realm of the Senses' - that is pornography, or certianly not appropriate!
  

I'm always labelled the evil and wrong one.

My mother says that he won't know what he's got until it's gone. She encourages divorce, whilst I'm still young and there are no children.

My parents bought him a Rolex perhaps 8 months ago as a 'welcome to the working world/corporate environment' present and to this day he'll say things like 'well, I never ASKED for it'. Excuse the colloquialisms, but, like, OMFG, that's sooooo not the point, idiot!

Sorry, it's turned into a ramble.

[ThunderInMyHeart]

I really admire you strong ladies you have had the courage to leave.

Did you feel what I feel right now i.e. maybe it can be saved, maybe there's hope...but you just feel lost?

How long did any feelings of 'am I doing the right thing?' last?

Thank you for your replies

[Lueji]

I remember going through that phase of not bothering anymore.
Of giving up trying to save the marriage really.

That's when I finally told him that he could leave if he wanted, and I wasn't sure I loved him anymore. I had just given up hoping that he would change.

He started using physical violence to try to control me soon after and that was the trigger for me to leave him.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Some people are just not cut out to be partners. Sounds like your H is one of those. Really, never mind what it used to be like in the beginning (when every relationship is great, otherwise how would they ever get started?), what is there now to make it worth saving?

Asperger's can make partners challenging to cope with, but it does not of itself turn them into assholes. Actually, given his ability to lie about details and manipulate your perceptions, he sounds a lot more asshole than Asperger.

Your mother is right. Run away, run away. Sod the money. Let him go.

[ThunderInMyHeart]

I feel like I'm too young, yet too old to be doing this.

WHY can't he just be how he used to be?

It's a symptom to Asperger's to feel a victim, like everyone is out to get you and to harbour resentment. Why can't he just get over himself and see 'the light'?

Did you ladies find that after you'd left, they got the message, saw the error of their ways and reformed? Or was it wall-to-wall disappointment?

[tzella]

Hasn't he got a condition that causes him to act like this? So how could he change?

[Anniegetyourgun]

But if he is Asperger's, he can't just "see the light". You might as well say why can't he just get over himself and fly to work. On the other hand, if he wasn't always like that, the Asperger's thing may be rubbish - does he have a formal diagnosis?

You don't have to be a certain age to get divorced, you know. You just have to be married to the wrong man.

[DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou]

Being a paranoid victim isn't Aspergers though - it's more a common mindset in perpetrators of domestic abuse. Sorry.

[ThunderInMyHeart]

He was diagnosed by a field leader - she's pretty well-qualified, author, published in the field. He was diagnosed a few months ago, and suddenly all the pieces slotted together.

The diagnosis itself was a relief - i.e. "he's not an intentional arsehole! He actually can't help it!"

Then it became a curse.

He sees it as a disability, that he'll never function in society etc etc.

Now, if I say 'well, perhaps you're being X or don't see Y because of the Asperger's', I get accused of making him the patient, infantalizing him.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Do you know what, DameFanny, you're right, I didn't think of that (I'm by no means an expert on such disorders). It's a subset of autism, isn't it; paranoia doesn't come into it. Hmm...

[ThunderInMyHeart]

In various books, it says that it's highly common for Aspies to be vulnerable people and hence get taken advantage of...cycle ensues etc. He has been taken for a ride by some people, but, Christ. I'm his wife.

I'm the breadwinner right now. I pulled him emotionally and academically through his last year of university and all his post-grad study. Why would I be the target and the 'conniving woman'?!

It just makes no logical sense.

So, sometimes (and his psychotherapist aunt agrees with the following) I figure, well, once his oh-so-obvious nervous breakdown stops, he'll finally gaddit. I'm well aware of the chance I'm being naive and still being too loyal to him.

[Badvoc]

Sweetheart, you are 25.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
He is using his dx as a reason to behave badly towards you and refuse all responsibility for his own life.
Get out now.
Chalk it up to experience and move on x

[ThunderInMyHeart]

I truly admire you ladies

[Badvoc]

....and you can have aspergers and just not be a very nice person too, you know...
Sn doesn't = good person just as nt doesn't = good person.
I would think the difference is that an nt person would have some chance of changing their ways. I think that unlikely/much harder for an aspie.
Sorry.

[ThunderInMyHeart]

I saw absolute bloody red the other night.

He called me frigid.

This was the night after he'd randomly messaged me at work and accused me of spending his money like water and being a miser with my own. Yeah, really feeling the love and wanting you to touch me.

I then just had to tell him - 'why is it me who's frigid? Maybe you're just unattractive? You don't even pay rent! Your back-hair is disgusting! Yet I get blamed for wearing tracksuit bottoms?!'

How do you go about telling friends that you're now divorced?

[Badvoc]

You say;
"I'm divorced. I was very unhappy and being treated badly. I hope you can support me"
And if they can't then you are well rid of both him and them.
Sigh.
I am a lot older than you darling, and have been around a lot a bit and you are so very young to be putting up with this situation.
And being divorced is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what any church or any family members may say!

[ThunderInMyHeart]

Oh, I don't fear it for religious or parental concerns - my mother is practically on the sidelines with a banner and klaxon in support of it (my father was married before she married him).

I can visualise having a drink or something and it's all 'well, hi there! I'm 25...and divorced' and the words 'damaged goods' springing to someone's mind. A good filter, perhaps

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Having the guts to leave a bad relationship is something to be proud of. "Damaged goods" indeed!

[Badvoc]

Damaged goods!?
You are 25!! And in an unhappy/abusive relationship!!
Damaged goods my arse.
You will be damaged if you stay however....
I know lots if divorced people, my dearly loved sil being one of them. I dont consider her damaged goods. And neither dies her gorgeous bf! :) I just think she married a cheating, emotionally stunted twat.
That's all.

[Badvoc]

It's great you have support.
Take it and move on with your life.

[izzyizin]

I don't know if I could survive in the dating world and get on with life easilY

Why do you have to rush to date? Why not simply divest yourself of this millstone round your neck and enjoy the freedom life as a singleton has to offer until such time as you feel like dipping your toe back in the water?

[ThunderInMyHeart]

I guess it's because I feel like I've wasted time on him and have to make up for lost time.

Lots of people I went to school with have just got engaged and I feel like I'll be back at Square One.