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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

please tell me what to do..

(85 Posts)
shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 13:10:47

its a recurrence of mil poking her nose in our marriage since day 1. Before Xmas she bought DH 5 underwears angry . Well, I kept calm and spoke to DH about it and told hhim to tell her it WRONG according to me! Did I overreact?? Then as usual she's been calling him nonstop everysingle day. She demanded DH spend new years eve(yes! Just before 2013) with her simply coz she is againg, how on earth is 60old and she works full time? Huh?! Anyway, that's her usual excuse that she is aging and DH has to abandon hi family duties to attend to her. I was so furious but still kept calm. DH drinks and spends an awful lot of time in the pub. So we agreed this year he'll stop and help me to raise our DD. Just yeaterday, he went out on my birthday and left me struggling with the baby on my own. Mark you, she doesn't sleep till 1am and if she does she wake up 6times sad and I attend to her all alone.So, when DH was out I told him I'm super stressed out and I need him to come home help me or go over to his mum's house(she lives 5mins away). I felt I couldn't let him in coz he's been hurting me and doesn't seem to care much about how I feel. So I locked him out and he went to his mum's. Boy! The mother drove him back this morning while I and DD were still in bed and I let them in. Mil strarted shouting at me for making his Son "homeless" hmm! I tried to explain what happened and she kept on shouting and demanding I go to mental hospital(just because I'm on anti-d's). Well, I couldn't take it antmore and I told Her off for all the things she has been doing to affect our marriage including buyng him underwears and constantly calling him and coming over un-invited. She said this is her son's house and she'll come and go when she likes plus buy him more anderwears if she wants. You can imagine how mad this was making me. The even insisted that since she is on leave, she is moving in for two weeks to look after here son. Wow! This sound like we are fighting over him now! And dh was in the othet room with DD (well done him coz I didn't want DD to see this madness.

So right now dh left with his mum and he isn't picking up my calls. Plus he took my keys so I can't leave the house. What do I do? I wnat to work my marriage out but how do I do it with thi toxic mil in the middle of us? Thanks for reading this far, hope it all makes sense coz I'm typing with anger and my hands are shaking and worried.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 09:13:06

OP can I ask if you are in the UK? Because much of what you are saying suggests either a middle eastern culture (but based in the UK), or deep south in the USA. These are cultures where "barefoot & pregnant" seem to be the norm, also where a man is looked after & pandered to by his mother until he gets married then his wife takes over that role.

I notice that there's no mention of a FiL. It may be relevant whether he died or left your MiL (abandonment issues on her part).

I do understand what it is about the underwear, it's not so much that one thing but it's a symbol of how your MiL is encroaching on your responsibilities in lots of different ways - that's just one typical example that is tangible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 09:10:59

Yes, how are you this morning? How are your preparations for a better future shaping up so far?

SPBInDisguise Fri 04-Jan-13 08:43:49

Op how are you?

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:33:16

Do you have people on real life who will support you?

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 17:32:00

As much as i don't want go back to the "underwear" issue, let me clarify that we are all from the same culture plus mil and DH admitted it was wrong of her to do that intentionally. Many of you wouldn't understand but I'm glad at least MoRaw understands.
Thanks Cogito for the great advice and I really do appreciate it. I will try to sort things out but I'm going to be very careful that DH doesn't know. Its just sad that some people are unlucky in life, but as they say, the past doesn't matter rather what I'm I doing to Prepare myself for a better future.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:30:23


MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 17:28:39

Vaga that may well be the case although from what Shadesofwhite is saying, they are all seem to be from the same culture. My assumption may be wrong.

SPB I can't see how the underwear thing can be seen as some sort of female oppression. From what the OP says, in her culture, a wife buys her husband's intimate things - not mother, not sister, not aunt, not father or brother. She sees it as a direct insult from the mother-in-law.

The OP has enough problems on her plate for anyone to add to it by rubbishing her culture. You may not agree with it but to say you have no respect for it because you deem it as oppressive makes me shake my head.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:20:05

I have already explained why I cannot respect that - I actually feel such a 'culture' contributes to women in these situations feeling they have no option but to put up and shut up. But this thread isn't about that, it's about getting the OP away - unless that's a no no too? hmm

Vagaceratops Thu 03-Jan-13 17:19:11

But maybe it is not seen wrong in her MIL's culture?

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 17:17:28

SPB she is not overreacting to the pants issue. In her culture it is seen as wrong. To you it seems a minor thing but in her culture it is seen as a big deal. Please respect that. In this day and age we should be more culturally sensitive.

Shadesofwhite, I am so sorry to hear of your situation and that fact that you feel you have no option. I think Cogito has offered some good advice.

Do you have good friends you can speak to?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:06:37

Oh dear.... escaped an abusive Stepmother and a father that rejects you in favour of a building project and you've ended up with an abusive MIL and a husband that terrifies you. Not much of a swap was it?

Talk to Womens Aid and talk to the police Domestic Violence unit for advice. There is a lot of help available for women like you. They will help you get away from this man WITH your children and Social Services will not be keen to let him have access. There is state financial help for lone parents and that should enable you to work in due course. But the main priority is to get yourself safe. Anti-depressants and therapy don't prevent you being abused.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:06:06

OP that is all shit, sorry hadn't seen your post when I replied to Cogito. Do you know what benefits you are entitled to? Not to mention support from him. You need proper RL advice and a plan on how to get out. I'm gld you at least see it as a possibility. You shouldnot be living like this.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 17:04:15

What I mean is overreacting to her MIL buying her DH pants. But so would I be - as I said in my first post that is the lest of her problems given her controlling husband.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 17:02:48

She isn't overreacting. She's being abused by both her drunken violent DH, egged on by his mother. Got things the wrong way around by blaming mum and excusing the husband but, given that she's isolated, frightened and a long way from home, I'm not at all surprised that she's in such an emotional state.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:59:58

Iam on a waiting list for Therapy but I'm on Anti-D's ATM. I'm trying to get help for my self before I make any decision. Leaving him is worrying me because I can't provide for DD. I can't afford Child care to go to wOrk to put food on the table, and if I wanted to leave, he wouldn't let me leave with DD. I'd want to go back abroad to my parents for support but my DF doesn't want me to and depend on him(he is about to retire and all his fainances are going on to his own building projects). On top of that, I wouldn't want live with my Step M who brutally abused me as a child. (my DM passed when I was 10). I'm just stuck. I'll think I'll just get myself all the help that I need to put myself back on track and move on.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 16:59:20

This is why I've been asking the op to clarify her "hurt" comment. Would have saved a lot of faffing about pants and making the op think she is overreacting (which she is but understandably)

MoRaw Thu 03-Jan-13 16:59:00

It is a shame that some people are unable to respect your cultural beliefs. It may not make sense to you and me but that is neither here nor there. It is her culture and it means a lot to her. I am sure there are things we do that other cultures think are ridiculous.

Anyway, if your mother in law share the same culture, then she would surely know that buying him underwear is unacceptable.

Your situation sounds rather difficult. If I were in your shoes, I would be tempted to hand over your husband to his mother and be off on my merry way. You need to put your husband straight. He is the problem. Your mother-in-law may be domineering but she is the least of your problem.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:52:02

I suggest you keep the police phone number very close and that you also call the charity that does quite a lot for women in your situation - Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Do you have any friends or family that you could go and stay with for a while? Get yourself to a place of safety? And have you told anyone IRL about his behaviour?

TakeMyEyesButNotTheMulledWine Thu 03-Jan-13 16:49:02

Oh bless you OP. He's a shit.

He's had his mother wiping his arse for him his whole life, and expects you to do the same.

Not surprising really you locked him out because he flips if you haven't cleaned up to his twatting standards. He's a pig!

I suggest you have counselling alone, to build your self esteem and kick his arse back to mummies house permanently.

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 16:46:34

You are living with a drunk abusinve husband.

MIL is Not the problem.

You ARE NOT the problem.

DH IS the problem, let him go to mum, see how she likes it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:46:34

In your home culture where mothers don't buy underpants for their sons OP, is it the norm for wives to be too terrified of what their drunken husbands if there's no dinner on the table that they don't let them through the door? Because in the UK the kind of relationship you're talking about is called 'Domestic Abuse', it's a criminal offence and you should not be putting up with it.

rainbowinthesky Thu 03-Jan-13 16:44:55

Cogito is right. It's not okay for him to behave in this way to you, really it's not.

SPBInDisguise Thu 03-Jan-13 16:43:04

He flips out, he blames you, you are scared when you haven't "done enough". I doubt you will but please leave him. You shouldn't be living like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:42:43

He 'flips out' because you haven't got his dinner ready???!!!! Drunk, abusive, and goes home to mummy if things get a bit tricky?

Oh dear.... you don't need CBT, you need LTB. I think you've made a horrible, horrible mistake.

shadesofwhite Thu 03-Jan-13 16:40:20

When I say hurting I mean lots of thing but I'll share one, when DH comes home drunk and he finds I havnt cooked he flips out. When I try to explain to him (which he can see) that I'm struggling with DD he just doesn't understand. Its our first baby and its hard for me, my whole Menstrual Cycle has been affecting me and even affecting our sex life. He blames it all on me and its awful when he is drunk. To be Honest I didn't let him in for my own sake with DD. I wanted peace and quiet and I was afraid coz I hadn't done much during the day. Please understand. I just feel so isolated aNd the only Person who is close to me (DH) is not even understanding that I'm not coping well rather I feel he is very sensitive and caring with mil, its probably a jelousy thing, don't know how to deal with it all.sad

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