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Been together a year, never had sex

(135 Posts)
Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:28

I'm a regular but have name changed though I think I'll still be recognised.

Background so as not to drip feed: I'm 24 and have been with my absolutely brilliant bf (32) for a year. We live together, he's my best friend, doting male role model to my toddler dd. I really can't speak more highly if him. The problem is me.

My daughter is 2.7. I had a horrendous birth including: 3a tear with failed stitching in theatre, MROP, PPH, rectocele, full restitch at 3months postnatal including rectocele repair. All aged 21. My dd's father left us when she was 2 weeks old and has seen her just 5 times in her life.

Since all these birth problems I have been absolutely phobic of sex. It literally terrifies me. I have tried it three times before I met my bf just to "get on with it" but each time the bloke was so rough I bled. My fear is of re tearing.

I had my restitch privately by a fab surgeon and have been checked umpteen times by her, colleagues, GPs, women's physio, and just for an Mot a sexual health doctor who have all insisted I'm anatomically fine. It's in my head hmm

I've been to a psychosexual counsellor, tried dilators, massage I just can't process the thought of full intercourse.

My boyfriend is amazing. He doesn't push me or probe me at all. We regularly do everything else including oral and fingers which I love it's the thought of intercourse that I fear.

Due to my PPh at birth I had subsequent period problems too so have both a coil and the pill together .

I really want to get on with it. We love each other like crazy and I'm so grateful for him putting up with me. I'm just scared. Please help.

God that was long,

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:36:49

Jayho - do you mean ivf?

kalidanger Thu 21-Feb-13 17:41:46

I'm fracking useless

Golly, no you're not! It's unreasonable of a counsellor to give you a hard time for making progress on your own! Perhaps you could say "I want and need your help and advice for ways to move forward and if I make progress on my own I'd hope we can absorb that into the work we're doing" or some such thing.

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:46:39

no smile turkey basters, whatever, trying to be a bit light hearted. Just my opinion, so tell me to piss off if needs be, but you seem so focused on it having to work. Try to get a bit of fun as well, not trying to minimilise what you're going through in any way and I can completely understand how upsetting it must be having had a traumatic first birth myself. I just feel sad that you've had a setback and seem so despondent when you've been doing so well and wanted to be encouraging.

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:52:36

I told him I'd understand if he went elsewhere. I really would. I can't expect him to stick around indefinitely. Hes a bloke with needs. But he's just sent me a pic message of Bournemouth beach saying "the very spot I first said I love you. I do with all my heart" . So I've just started balling again!

kalidanger Thu 21-Feb-13 17:55:17

Don't tell him to go away grin You got PMT or something, darling? grin He won't need to wait for ever - you're making progress together and you're working as hard as you can on it.

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:56:04

He's a bloke who needs YOU x

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:57:19

No pmt! grinjust feel like shit today

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 09:18:25

Right, I gave myself a huge slap last night grin Got myself a free trial appointment with a CBT therapist tomorrow and following psychosexual counsellors go at me for not following "the steps", last night I did as I was told and attempted a vibrator as bf is away and I had some peace! It's ahem a beginner's one so quite small in diameter but about 5" long and I reckon I got about 4" in without discomfort albeit a LOT of lube. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have such a respectful and supportive partner which makes me want to crack this even more.

So last night i made a little progress. Today is the day I'm going to start facing my fear head on and. Today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life.

Up yours phobia!!

kalidanger Fri 22-Feb-13 09:41:19

Someone sent me this link this morning. It's strangely soothing...

Xales Fri 22-Feb-13 10:03:49

Not impressed with your counsellor. Didn't think they were supposed to make you feel shit.

I am not a counsellor, however vibrators are hard. Fingers can be hard and a bit boney. A stiff penis has a natural slight give/squish. They are not as hard. Dies that make any sense hmm

I think they feel nicer.

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 10:38:35

Yes xales but a vibrator I have more control over iyswim. My bf is very gentle but think I want to master insertion by myself first

larrygrylls Fri 22-Feb-13 10:47:36


Men don't have a need for penetrative sex (and as a man, I should know this). To be honest, they don't "need" sex at all in the sense that they need food and water. However, most men who arre given regular orgasms by their partner are pretty happy with the situation. I think this fear is really coming from you and you need to actually believe that your partner remaining with you is absolutely not dependent on your ability to have penetrative sex.

I would suggest that you have fun reciprocal oral sex and let him stimulate you orally and then simultaneously place one and then two fingers inside you. Then, when you are fully aroused and relaxed, and only if you want to, you can let him lie on the bed and gently lower yourself onto him while remaining in control. That way you get to control the depth of penetration and all the other variables which are worrying you. If you are enjoying the oral and manual stimulation, though, don't feel obliged to go any further. One day you will want to....and you will thoroughly enjoy it and so will your partner.

I totally understand how this has become a phobia but I think you will only deal with it when you let go of the idea that having a happy relationship is dependent on vaginal sex. It really isn't. And a couple of glasses of wine may help smile

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 11:02:48

Larry - so nice to hear another man's view on this! So my bf really isn't spouting nice words just to shut me up grin. We have the best kisses and cuddles ever and do enjoy oral sex and reciprocal hand/finger jobs though probably not as frequently as we could.

larrygrylls Fri 22-Feb-13 11:08:32


Seriously, if a man finds a woman attractive and kind, then sex of any kind is a bonus smile. He is probably just chuffed that you love him and find him attractive.

A lot of the sexual issues posted on here about differential sex drives etc are more where one partner is either using sex as a weapon or have a ludicrous level of entitlement, which probably extends into other areas of their lives too. Where someone clearly has a physical issue, normally people work around it one way or the other. Otherwise, paraplegics could never form sexual relationships, and they clearly do.

I think that if you just relax and remember that you ARE having great sex already, then this problem will disappear pretty quickly.

Insecure24 Fri 22-Feb-13 11:13:47

I could kiss you! grin

KeepCalm27 Sat 23-Feb-13 00:01:15

I have read this thread with great interest. In the summer my relationship of 5 years broke down - so on top of losing boyfriend/best friend/home/mutual friends and family etc, I lost the only person in the world who could provide (some) comfort as he is the only one who knew about my huge "problem". I have some great friends and I'm very close to my parents but would never in a million years talk about this. Any other problems (including embarrassing bowel problems!) I have talked about with close family and friends pretty openly but the burden of this, and not being able to share it, is very overwhelming.

BertieBotts Sat 23-Feb-13 00:13:08

I totally agree with larry (wow, that feels weird grin) OP you have absolutely nothing to worry about and please take this at your pace. Don't feel like it's something you have to "fix" for him or that he'll be secretly harbouring resentment etc, because he really won't be.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 00:16:56

Yep, great posts from Larry on this thread

OP,, your bloke sounds like a good guy that doesn't place undue significance on piv intercourse

All the best x

Insecure24 Sat 23-Feb-13 08:58:13

Oh I know I'm lucky I've got a great man shock. I just want to fix this for me, regain my femininity and work towards ttc dc2 next year. I have my first CBT appointment at 12 today eeek!

Second success with vibrator yesterday grin not actually vibrating though but IN!

KeepCalm27 Sat 23-Feb-13 10:25:33

Good luck, Insecure24, I hope it goes well for you. Please let us know how it goes. Following the break up of my relationship I've moved counties so need to start at square one again by going to GP. In my last county I was assessed by their MH team but they said I wasn't eligible as my previous doctors surgury didn't subscribe to the service I needed. Hopefully I'll have more luck at my new place, although the thought of having to explain everything to another stream of strangers is depressing.

As I said, hope all goes well. smile x

Insecure24 Sat 23-Feb-13 10:53:53

Thanks Keep! I'm in Surrey. If you're nearby and the therapy works out ill keep you posted x

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 13:07:10

Hey, lady. Having sexual difficulties doesn't make you any less "feminine" and I bet your bloke doesn't think that for one minute x

Insecure24 Sat 23-Feb-13 15:06:45

I've been for my initial consultation and I am SO excited to start the therapy! A combination of CBT and hypnosis with a really lovely lady. £60 a session is an investment ME!

BMW6 Sat 23-Feb-13 15:21:22

Well done! And if it's any consolation you are having waaaaaay more sex than OH and I & we still luv each other too!
Good Luck!

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 18:02:15

Good luck x

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