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Been together a year, never had sex

(135 Posts)
Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:28

I'm a regular but have name changed though I think I'll still be recognised.

Background so as not to drip feed: I'm 24 and have been with my absolutely brilliant bf (32) for a year. We live together, he's my best friend, doting male role model to my toddler dd. I really can't speak more highly if him. The problem is me.

My daughter is 2.7. I had a horrendous birth including: 3a tear with failed stitching in theatre, MROP, PPH, rectocele, full restitch at 3months postnatal including rectocele repair. All aged 21. My dd's father left us when she was 2 weeks old and has seen her just 5 times in her life.

Since all these birth problems I have been absolutely phobic of sex. It literally terrifies me. I have tried it three times before I met my bf just to "get on with it" but each time the bloke was so rough I bled. My fear is of re tearing.

I had my restitch privately by a fab surgeon and have been checked umpteen times by her, colleagues, GPs, women's physio, and just for an Mot a sexual health doctor who have all insisted I'm anatomically fine. It's in my head hmm

I've been to a psychosexual counsellor, tried dilators, massage I just can't process the thought of full intercourse.

My boyfriend is amazing. He doesn't push me or probe me at all. We regularly do everything else including oral and fingers which I love it's the thought of intercourse that I fear.

Due to my PPh at birth I had subsequent period problems too so have both a coil and the pill together .

I really want to get on with it. We love each other like crazy and I'm so grateful for him putting up with me. I'm just scared. Please help.

God that was long,

Solo Sun 13-Jan-13 23:52:20

You should be smile smiling about your 2 minute achievement imo. It's a massive step forward!
Your man sounds fabulous! what an absolute sweetheart!
Keep up the good ~ no! great work!!

Insecure24 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:23:12

He's amazing grin

anonacfr Mon 14-Jan-13 18:41:31

He sounds so wonderful.

Insecure24 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:39:10

Another update for anyone marginally interested! Had PIV a second time. I tolerated maybe 4 minutes this time! But it still felt uncomfortable, mainly too tight. I suppose I need to stretch out inside.blush Got my therapy appointment on Wednesday. My period's due this week so will have a week off trying but never mind

MushroomSoup Sun 20-Jan-13 11:20:23

Very interested and very pleased!

Xales Sun 20-Jan-13 11:27:06

Congratulations on 4 minutes! Especially when you think, some men don't last that long with actual sex wink

It's gonna feel tight as you will not be completely relaxed.

If you and your OH are not fussed about blood, don't put off another week just use an old towel and see it as extra lube...

Insecure24 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:03:00

Hi all, I have my appointment with the psychosexual counsellor tomorrow and am actually feeling very positive. And Thursday is our actual one year anniversary and I've been told to make sure I wear a nice dress as he's taking me out. Very excited grin Hope you've all ha a good start to the week. Em x

something2say Tue 22-Jan-13 21:08:51

Well done my dear that's made me smile x

RubyrooUK Tue 22-Jan-13 21:17:36

Well done OP. I read your thread before and meant to post (but got distracted). You SHOULD feel positive because sorting out the therapy means you're moving in the right direction. (I speak as a survivor of a hideous birth injury that I've been able to overcome to have a very happy sex life again.)

Judging by the lovely, thoughtful way you post on this thread, it's no surprise you've got a lovely boyfriend because you clearly are very deserving of one. Good luck with your appointment.

Insecure24 Wed 23-Jan-13 07:40:38

Aww thanks ruby! blush

sallypearce55 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:11:00

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Insecure24 Sun 27-Jan-13 07:31:15

Hi all, looking for some secondary advice. Due to complications with my cycle after I had dd (2.8) I was given both mirena and the pill together and have had both ever since. I take a break as usual each month with the pill. I want to give up one now. And the other too at the end of the year when hopefully I've cracked the sex thing and ready to ttc. Which would you drop first? When I had dd I hadn't even stopped the pill. I missed just one and conceived! But in typical circumstances, which takes longer to conceive when you come off it, mirena or combined pill?

DancingInTheMoonlight Sun 27-Jan-13 07:50:22

I don't think there is any difference conception wise but if you went on the pill fire irregular bleeding on the coil then that us likely to return if you stop the pill, so i would get rid of the coil and continue with the pill (which is my plan with my implant!)

Insecure24 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:32:09

Thanks dancing! Do you have the two together at the moment?

DancingInTheMoonlight Sun 27-Jan-13 09:55:36

I have the arm implant and pill together at the moment. Works well for bleeding but i have a break every 2 months as i begin tofeel bit crazy with hormones. I then have about a two week bleed (only heavy a few days). The pill would work just as well, i just went on the implant as i really didn't want another baby straight after ds. Now i wouldn't be devastated if it happened but not planning on ttc until the end of this year

Insecure24 Sun 27-Jan-13 15:54:53

Oh ok cool! Snap grin I'm a teacher so think I'll wait til Easter hols to have the coil removed. I've heard you can have a colossal bleed after removal so I'll appreciate being at home for a couple of weeks. I have a phobia of bleeding though, brings on huge panic attacks, so hope it's not too awful blush

lisamason Sat 02-Feb-13 23:40:07

insecure24 re your entry 5 jan.

oh i wish you would have gotten hold of a vagi-wave, it is such a gentle device that works even tho you cant feel it. look if you or anyone else is suffering give this device some thought, gets thumbs up for me as it worked.

just remember anything you are gunna do to get past all this stuff is gunna cause you worry and panic, but you have to think past the worry or you will never get past it. i know i cried my eyes out but kept going and came out tother side.

Insecure24 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:16:31

Hi all. Sorry for no recent update. Dp is in Australia at the mo on business so definitely no action! He's back on Sunday though so hopefully will resume trying soon. I saw the psychosexual counsellor a few weeks ago. She got 'cross' that I'd got 'straight to it' without building up more slowly. I felt a bit stupid tbh. She said I shouldn't have full sex again without building up slowly: 1 finger, 2 fingers, small dildo. Hmm. Anyway I've bought a vagiwave, hasn't been delivered yet but will give it a go.

MushroomSoup Sun 10-Feb-13 14:25:58

Fancy being cross at THAT! You'd think she'd be delighted!

jenna558 Sun 10-Feb-13 14:28:17

My partner was the same way it will get better

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:09:19

Hi all. Today's been a bad day so I need to just let it out on here. I've spent the entire day in tears. All because it's come to a head how much of a failure I feel over this whole inability to have sex. My bf consoled me for hours saying all the right things but now he's left to go away til Saturday. I just feel totally useless, worthless and a complete failure as a woman and partner. We've been together 13months and I can't provide sexually properly for my boyfriend. I'm a freak. I'm 24 ffs. I'm going to try CBT on Saturday. I felt like I was making baby steps recently but now I'm just a crying wreck. sad

kalidanger Thu 21-Feb-13 17:26:17

Did that horrible counsellor upset you? Can you request another one?

Insecure24 Thu 21-Feb-13 17:28:16

Well she definitely made me feel id done wrong. I think what's done it today is being surrounded by fb updates of pregnancy announcements and babies being born. My bf will be 33 soon and so wants to be a dad. I'm fracking useless sad

Andro Thu 21-Feb-13 17:32:40

Insecure - what you are experiencing is pretty normal when dealing with a trauma (and there is no doubt, you are dealing with a trauma).

DS is in therapy for a trauma induced phobia, his therapist made it very clear that a some point in the process he would regress. The way it was explained to us was that as he started to recognise the phobia for what it is - the result of a bad experience in his case - he would start to castigate himself for being 'weak' or 'pathetic' or 'a freak' and we would need to support him whist he let it out. His therapist was correct, he regressed big time! We had days of on and off tears and self was unpleasant for all concerned to say the least. The thing is, it was also a break through. He's taken some significant step since his meltdown because he has worked out how to start putting aspects of his fear into perspective, the meltdown almost acted a a board rubber - where he was at was accepted and he had cleared the way to move forward.

I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't necessarily a bad thing over all. Much like the stages of grieving, trauma recovery also has stages and it's possible that this is the next step for you. Give your amazing OH a huge hug, tell him you love him and thank him for supporting you. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully a better one.

jayho Thu 21-Feb-13 17:34:08

There's other ways of getting pregnant, one step at a time, you're doing so well, give yourself a break, ie don't be so hard on yourself.

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