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Been together a year, never had sex

(135 Posts)
Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:28

I'm a regular but have name changed though I think I'll still be recognised.

Background so as not to drip feed: I'm 24 and have been with my absolutely brilliant bf (32) for a year. We live together, he's my best friend, doting male role model to my toddler dd. I really can't speak more highly if him. The problem is me.

My daughter is 2.7. I had a horrendous birth including: 3a tear with failed stitching in theatre, MROP, PPH, rectocele, full restitch at 3months postnatal including rectocele repair. All aged 21. My dd's father left us when she was 2 weeks old and has seen her just 5 times in her life.

Since all these birth problems I have been absolutely phobic of sex. It literally terrifies me. I have tried it three times before I met my bf just to "get on with it" but each time the bloke was so rough I bled. My fear is of re tearing.

I had my restitch privately by a fab surgeon and have been checked umpteen times by her, colleagues, GPs, women's physio, and just for an Mot a sexual health doctor who have all insisted I'm anatomically fine. It's in my head hmm

I've been to a psychosexual counsellor, tried dilators, massage I just can't process the thought of full intercourse.

My boyfriend is amazing. He doesn't push me or probe me at all. We regularly do everything else including oral and fingers which I love it's the thought of intercourse that I fear.

Due to my PPh at birth I had subsequent period problems too so have both a coil and the pill together .

I really want to get on with it. We love each other like crazy and I'm so grateful for him putting up with me. I'm just scared. Please help.

God that was long,

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 11:35:21


Xales Thu 03-Jan-13 11:44:47

I have to be honest. I don't understand most of your problems it sounds horrendous though.

You were really unlucky that you picked a selfish inconsiderate wanker to jump back in the sack with sad Having said that he was rough and you didn't tear just bled, try and look on that from the good side that your stitching/repairs can handle rough selfish wankers?

Have you considered maybe trying on the sofa with you on top?

That way you can control or stop at anytime. Lots and lots of lube even if you are normally wet enough.

You don't have to go for full sex/penetration. Just a little so that you are in control and you can gain trust in him.

Good luck he sounds like a good guy if he is happy to wait all this time!

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 11:50:05

You have had sex, just not PIV.

How does your boyfriend feel about it? If he can handle it, as he has been doing and you are having lots of other types of sex, well, maybe PIV doesn't have to happen. Or it can be something you work on long-term.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:15:10

What does PIV mean?

I've asked my bf loads of times if it bothers him, even offered a get out of jail free card but he says he loves me and it doesn't matter. But it matters to me.

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 12:21:13

PIV = penis in vagina. I think the point is that you do have sex, just not penetrative.

Did you not feel comfortable with your counsellor? Could you try a different one?

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 12:22:21

Penis in vagina.

Take the pressure off yourself, that's all I'm saying. He says he's ok with it, and you are having a good sex-life without it right now, so I think just give yourself more time and don't place as much importance on it. There's no rush.

priscilla101 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:23:21

Oh, insecure, that sounds horrid.

No advice as such, just didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you have a fantastic DP.

I think you have really been through the mill and you need to be kind to yourself. I had a phobia of travelling in cars and cognitive behaviour therapy was suggested to me. I didn't end up doing it, but it may be worth investigating?

I hope you can work this out. X

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:24:59

I felt comfortable yes but its all very well being told "the longer you wait the harder it will be" when you're not the one in the predicament. I'm going back on 23rd jan to report back on how I've been getting on since last meeting in October = no improvement.

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 12:29:41

Who's told you the longer you wait the harder it'll be? If it's the counsellor, then perhaps he/she isn't a good one and you could do with seeing someone else.

HollaAtMeSanta Thu 03-Jan-13 12:30:04

PIV = Penis In Vagina shock

Can you get a referral for counselling?

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 12:31:46

I agree with dequoisagitil. That sounds like a thoughtless platitude-type thing to say, not the considered sort of thing one would expect from a counsellor hmm

I'd ask to be referred to someone else.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 12:35:41

Oh I agree but it took 7months to get an appointment through my PCT, I can't wait that long again!!

tzella Thu 03-Jan-13 12:37:26

Hmm. Now you have access to the correct department can you make a sideways move, if you see what I mean? Or can you afford to go private?

bestsonever Thu 03-Jan-13 12:39:52

You have my empathy, I too got a 3rd degree tear but luckily they seemed to have done a good stitch-up after - no way would I ever give birth via that route again though :-0. My thoughts are that you need to convince yourself that the rough 'practice' you had before is nothing like how your considerate, loving DP will be now. Slowly does it, be the one in control, use lots of lube (v.imp and helpful) and just try and relax but stop any time it gets uncomfortable. I'm sure your understanding DP will be fine with this - he sounds lovely btw.

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 12:41:14

You poor thing, you have been through a horrendous experience, but you know what? You have got yourself a diamond man. He sounds lovely and just the right person to help you now.

I have name changed because of what I am about to say.

I once had a problem with penetrative sex - not for the reason you have - but it was just as restrictive and I was just as terrified. I was with my now husband for 5 years before we had penetrative sex. That's how I know I am with a good man!

Anyway, what pushed me forward in the end was the desire to have a baby as well as the obvious desire to be a normal couple, to experience normal sex, to give my husband the experience of normal sex (we were both virgins when we met).

I think slow but forwards is the way to go. You say you can take his fingers up you. That is great. Can he try adding one more finger and gently thrusting with them? Is there anything you could insert inside yourself (not during sex, when you are relaxed and on your own) to help you experience something inside yourself and know that it won't hurt? No-one knows this - not even my husband - but this is what I did in the lead up to having penetrative sex for the first time. When I could insert something bigger than a penis and obviously harder than one too, I knew I had achieved something. I was embarrassed and had to do this alone, but you sound like you have such a lovely relationship with your boyfriend, maybe it would be a good progression for you to ask him to do the inserting once you are comfortable?

One thing is certain: I know you want to fix this problem, but it doesn't have to be fixed by your next appointment. If you can only say that you have been working towards it, you will feel better than if you have done nothing. I know. Ignoring the problem, or saying 'well, we have great sex in other ways, penetration is not so important' doesn't really help you address overcoming what you want to overcome.

Good luck. Where there is a will, there is a way. smile

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:25:33

AnotherPoster thank you so much for your kind, honest post. I really admire you smile I can insert a purple Tampax (the tiny light ones) and have been able to insert the second size dilator and a bit of the third (there are 5 in the set).

I just want to feel like a normal 24 year old for myself mainly

munchkinmaster Thu 03-Jan-13 13:33:18

Do you want to have sex or do you think you ought to have sex? I imagine counselling won't work unless it's something you really want just for you. Not to feel normal, please dp etc. just for you?

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:36:07

For me!! To feel confident in my body, to feel like a proper woman and have an even more loving relationship with my bf xx

munchkinmaster Thu 03-Jan-13 14:09:07

Then maybe a three pronged approach:
- counsellor for help with the crappy previous experiences/emotional bit
- gradually approach sex like you would any other phobia with increasing steps toward sex. As suggested above
- focus on finding other ways to feel like a normal young woman - which you are - rembering this might take pressure off

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 14:51:59

It's my NY resolution

worldgonecrazy Thu 03-Jan-13 15:03:35

I don't know if it will help, and my post-birth problems were nowhere near as bad as yours, but this is how we approached the problem. It did take a few months for me to feel brave enough to have PIV sex, and the approach we took was to treat the first time as a purely mechanical event. We both knew that there would be very little loving pleasure from it, but it was just to let me know that the bits were working and that it wouldn't hurt. So really the first couple of times after birth were just sticking PIV, wiggling a bit and then finishing another way. As soon as we'd got over the initiatl hurdle of actually sticking PIV it became a lot easier.

I hope you find a solution.

bestsonever Thu 03-Jan-13 17:08:11

Gradually working through the 5 dilators to gain confidence sounds like a reasonable plan. I hope you smother them with lots of lube to make it easier. When you get to the point of being with your BF that way, take the pressure off by making no promises that it will happen, I think he will be understanding if it doesn't at first as it sounds like it's fine by him if you are never able to. It's understandable that after all the surgery things may be a bit tight, given time, understanding and relaxation you will probably adapt to accommodate.

Insecure24 Thu 03-Jan-13 17:21:57

Thanks for all the suggestions . I just panic and my muscles clench sad

AnotherPoster Thu 03-Jan-13 18:19:26

Yes, I know that problem. Even now, I'm afraid to say.

Relaxation and arousal are really key to the muscle clenching thing. I know, easier said than done.

You have to set yourself tiny tiny steps and allow yourself to be pleased when you achieve anything, no matter how small it is.

I really wish I could help you more.

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