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Husband leaving because I've put on weight and he can't bear to look at me.

(87 Posts)
UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 08:57:10

Hi all.

I've been going through a v rough patch with dh.
I got PND with my last child, and have put on roughly 3-4 stone in weight. (I'm now a 16/18)

My husband has always had a lower sex drive than me, but in the last year we have done it a handful of times. Dh admitted it was because I'm so fat & really hard to live with. I'm convinced hes having an affair too.

I know I should kick him out. But I really really don't want my marriage to fail. We both work 14hour days, so I don't know what I'll do for childcare. I really can't cope with 3 children on my own.

I just can't stop crying. He has been so cruel.

2Tired2GiveaShit Thu 03-Jan-13 10:54:18

Oh god, he sounds like a right c**t! Please dont waste anymore on this guy, he sounds like he is deliberately egging you on so you do the dumping to EASE his guilt about being a rubbish husband so he can go to his OW without any guilt there.

New year, new outlook, new you... X

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 11:00:56

Rudolph, yeah I lost weight at first too.

He just said we will go to counselling I said I'd heard that before. He got cross and said "that's typical of you I knew you'd say tgat. Thae matter is closed".

I told him it bloody well wasn't.

SGB, all my relationships have been abusive. sad. I thought he was different.
Maybe it IS me then. I turned him this way. We used to be amazing.

Xales Thu 03-Jan-13 11:05:59

Go to counselling on your own. Get to the bottom of why you have always picked abusive men.

Sort yourself out.

Conflugenglugen Thu 03-Jan-13 11:12:56

Uterus - You didn't 'turn him this way'. It is likely that you chose him unconsciously because he is abusive. We tend to choose what we know, and keep making the same choices until we get the perspective and the healing and self-esteem and love for ourselves that we need to break those patterns.

Please leave him. And get some good, medium-term counselling. You won't look back.

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:23

You can't turn a perfectly nice man into an abusive one and you can't turn an abusive one into a nice one!

You will feel fantastic once you get rid of this man. Yes you will have to sort out your finances and HE will have to find somewhere to live, but once that's done, believe me, you'll feel absolutely great.

ImperialBlether Thu 03-Jan-13 11:29:45

By the way, do you have full access to all financial records?

Have you gone onto the Entitled To and the CSA websites to find out what exactly you'd be entitled to when he goes?

RudolphiaRedNose Thu 03-Jan-13 12:01:15

You din't make him this way, the problem arises if you put up with this behaviour, because then it will carry on. Don't put up with it. He isn't keeping to his marriage vows is he? So why should you?

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 03-Jan-13 12:18:32

'This matter is closed' ????? Wow he really has a fucking high opinion of himself doesn't he?

I can tell you how to get rid of at least 10 stone of ugly fat. let him go and stay with all the people who think he's 'wonderful'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 12:28:22

You didn't "choose him unconsciously" because he was abusive. It's not your fault he's this way. Abusive men pick on all kinds of women... strong ones & vulnerable ones alike. The problem is his, not yours.

MsSavingPennies Thu 03-Jan-13 12:46:51

I'm sorry OP that you are having to put up with this behaviour, he is trying to grind you down. Stay strong, go to a gp, get some free legal advice. This man is really showing his true sh*tty colours, and you deserve a lot better!

Northernlebkuchen Thu 03-Jan-13 12:55:13

'We used to be amazing'

Of course - because if it was always awful nobody would ever stay would they? Abusive relationships go in cycles and the 'honeymoon' phase is part of that - everything is fine then tensions start to build then there is an incident of verbal, physical or sexual abuse then it's the apology and back to the honeymoon phase and the whole thing goes round again and again. By saying he will go to counselling and the matter is closed he's trying to move you back in to the honeymoon phase - but the same abuse WILL come round again.

Corygal Thu 03-Jan-13 13:00:06

Life doesn't have many cast-iron truths, but this is one of them:

Someone who says they don't love you because you got fat didn't love you thin.

It's a very nasty thing to realise, and almost as nasty to hear. Sorry.

He's having an affair and would have been anyway, regardless of anything about you, to be honest. And he's been nasty with it to justify it. So nasty.

But you want to save the marriage for practical reasons. Fine. But I would look at the practical stuff you want, and how to get that, not saving him - and let him take the responsibility for sorting it out.

You seriously need support - you have an abusive enemy in the home, like it or not.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Thu 03-Jan-13 13:36:38

"He swears on his children's life he isn't having an affair."

Then he's definitely having an affair.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 03-Jan-13 15:11:40

Uterus, it is absolutely not you! The problem is that you have been repeatedly abused, and most likely subconsciously pick abusive men. The best thing to do would be to drop this asshole and get some counselling for YOU to improve your self esteem and self worth.

You will then be able to make better decisions as to the relationships you form.

It is not you that makes them like this, they will say that to anyone who does not bend to their will or live by their standards.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:24:31

Blether, he said I could see his bank statements as I found out he hasn't paid the rent or bills for a couple of months. He's yet to show me though, as he made his statements paperless.

He has told me he hates me. He would leave tonight but I've got to get up at 05:30 for work tomorrow, so it's mote practical if he sleeps on the sofa.

You guys have been great. I keep re reading your posts to get some strength & clarity. I just feel so cold & weak.

I don't know how my dd will take it. She's 10, and away this week. I know for her I can't keep this up. What kind of a message is this to send her? (putting up with it, I mean.)

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 15:25:49

I agree that he is probably the cause of your depression.

What a vile man he is.

The best way for him to regain his respect for you is for you NOT to beg, be clingy or cry in front of him.

Act dignified and tell him to pack his bags and go. Or even better fill bin bags with his crap and leave by the door.

Get legal advice - do a search for Olaga's posts, she gives great advice about benefits, finances etc.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:33:50

I think I c&p'd Olaga's post a while back. It was very good. smile

I do need to go to the CAB and speak to the landlord.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 15:34:46

"I don't know how my dd will take it"

Her reaction may surprise you. Children can be remarkably observant and what's been going on won't have passed her by. If you present this as a positive change, keep her informed, tell her she's loved and are don't try to mask either the truth or your feelings too much, then that's about as good as it gets.

He's probably been diverting the rent money to the place he plans to go and stay. Makes it even more likely he's got someone else. So sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 15:42:01

"most likely subconsciously pick abusive men"

Can we stop peddling this myth that victims somehow choose to be with abusers... subconsciously or consciously? Abusive men do not walk about with 'I am a nasty bastard' t-shirts on. They are often just as pleasant and charming as non-abusive men.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 15:49:34

See, he was never nasty before. There's no way he was a dormant abuser or whatever.

He used to be so respectful of women. Some of the things he's done to me in the last few weeks would have made his stomach churn in the past.

He genuinely hates me. sad

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 16:03:30

All the more reason for you to kick him out.

He is in this fantasy lust fuelled affair bubble and nothing will change unless you burst this bubble. He is so addicted to the ego boosting attentions of OW that he feel justified in being so horrible and nasty.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 03-Jan-13 16:04:15

Be prepared though that this nastiness is part of the real him though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 16:09:45

He doesn't hate you. He wants something else and you're standing between him and the thing he wants. So he's being nasty hoping you'll ask him to leave and then he can say he left because it's what you wanted.

Abusers aren't 'dormant'. Everyone is capable of being abusive and it's just a question of emphasis and intent. The better you know someone, the easier it is to upset them if that's your intention. He knows you're sensitive about your weight so that's what he picks on when he wants to make you unhappy. I'm sure you can think of something that would have a similar effect on him.... some trigger subject.

ledkr Thu 03-Jan-13 16:26:09

I think you have allowed him to convince you that it's your fault and its because you are disgusting.
Let me help you with this. I have been fat and I have been thin. Never been short of friends or loving relationships when either.
I was in a very abusive relationship when I was under 9 stone. I met my amazing dh when I was 12 stone he literally worships me.
I have also put weight on since dd was born and am quite frankly overweight.
I shall lose it eventually but in the meantime I am still the same woman he loved 6 years ago just a bit bigger.
Should he tell me I am disgusting and that he wants to leave I would help him pack!
This is his stuff not yours. Take control of things and get rid. You can't feel any worse than you do now. Taking your life back will in fact make you feel better.

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Thu 03-Jan-13 17:51:02

He leaves on Sunday.

I am just so angry. He can afford to take the dc away, I will be in poverty.

His new woman probably thinks he's amazing. If only she knew.

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