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no sex for over nearly 3 years

(139 Posts)
ohjo Wed 02-Jan-13 23:11:32

My husband and i love each other very much. We kiss (not snog though, and hug and cuddle . However we had a very rough patch 2 years ago and nearly separated. We have survived that and are almost back to normal. But since then he has not wanted sex. He works very hard, stressful job, travels a lot, is a very focused guy, but is a committed husband and wonderful father. The lack of intimacy is the only downside. He does not miss it or want it, and promises not to be having an affair, which i believe. Does anyone have any tips as to how i can interest him again? He is 46, pretty fit, doesnt drink too much or smoke. I am 40 with a good figure and can't understand it. It is eating away at me. I certainly don't want an affair, but can't accept the fact that my sex life is over! Is sex as important as we are lead to believe? Is this situation totally abnormal? How can i get it going again? Any advice is most welcome....

perceptionInaPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 23:17:53

Well, though I'm no expert I don't think a sexless marriage is healthy in all honesty. The situation you are in is very unfair on you.

In your position I would want to work things out, perhaps with counseling. But if he didn't want to / nothing changed I think I would want to end the relationship and try to move on. You only live once after all.

ohjo Wed 02-Jan-13 23:21:18

Thanks for that, i tried counselling, but he refused to go. The counsellor advised for him to have a testosterone test but he wouldn't! Believes there is nothing wrong with him. I couldn't end the relationship due to kids and i do love him. Thanks again,

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:22:30

What was the nature of the 'rough patch' that you survived? If that's when the problems started it sounds as though something from then is still unresolved. I think intimacy is very important. You might as well be flat-mates otherwise.

perceptionInaPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 23:25:07

Were things very different before you had the rough patch?

ohjo Wed 02-Jan-13 23:27:54

Basically the rough patch was when i had had enough of always coming last behind the work. I began to disagree more with him and object to his total focus on work. And we both agreed that it would be best if i moved nearer to my parents so there would be more support for me whilst he was travelling. We have had great sex in the past, but during the rough patch he was very hurtful saying he had never enjoyed it since we had been married, (now 11years), that i simply cant he certainly seemed to enjoy it at the time! thank you for answering

perceptionInaPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 23:34:51

ohjo, I hope you'll get more replies from people with more experience than I have on relationship issues like this. I think I would be concerned about how much he is away and to what extend he could be leading some sort of double life. I may be way off the mark there. It's just that most people do want to have sex unless asexual (and if he was you'd have known about it wouldn't you and it sounds like that was never the case in the past).

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:35:07

BTW.. if this is eating away at you but he refuses to consider counselling or attend a doctor's appointment then he is not taking your sexual needs seriously. He may well be a 'committed husband' out there working away, providing for his family etc, but if he can't even be bothered to get checked out or accept there may be a problem in order to make you happy, I don't call that 'love'.

He's either getting his sexual needs met elsewhere - despite his promises - or he made some kind of deal with himself when you survived the rough patch that he would be some kind of arms-length husband. Doing/saying the right things and ticking the committed husband boxes but not able to fully engage physically.

perceptionInaPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 23:37:08

Also, how long had you been together before you had the rough patch?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:38:04

Any chance he could be gay? Having personally known three married men with children that subsequently came out it's not uncommon. One of the people I know deliberately chose a job that took him away from home for six months of the year so that he could indulge his gay preferences and not hurt his family.

blueshoes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:39:50

Does his travelling tend to take him to one place where he stays for a more than a night or two?

badinage Wed 02-Jan-13 23:41:59

After he said those very hurtful things about never enjoying sex with you, haven't you discussed it again in the past 2 years? If not, why not?

I'm another one who doesn't think he has always been working. I think he likes his marriage sexless and without intimacy and gives the role of lover to one or more other women.

ohjo Wed 02-Jan-13 23:44:12

He is a very all or nothing person. Heavy smoker to zero in a short time, lots of sex to zero. He will run 15 miles on Sunday morning, leaving before i wake up! Sex just doesn't enter his world anymore, and i find it bizarre. I have asked if he has a lover and he seemed genuinely shocked at the suggestion. After that he was more tactile. I have stopped trying to offer him a massage or have a grope if he's pissed(!) as he rejects it all. I have believed we will get it again and that has kept me going. But i now wonder. Friends tell me i look great etc, i'm sure none of them would believe the situation!

badinage Wed 02-Jan-13 23:46:24

Addictive personalities are often drawn to infidelity.

Have you told him that your sexual needs are not being met and that you don't want a life without sex and intimacy?

headlesslambrini Wed 02-Jan-13 23:47:34

if you are trying to find ways to get him interested again, how about asking him just rub your shoulders or boobs whilst you masturbate? He might not have any urges but if you do then he should at least try help you IYGWIM.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 23:49:22

So, he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere and you are meant to stfu and be dutiful wife

Fuck that

ohjo Wed 02-Jan-13 23:49:24

I have tried a few times to discuss it and always get hurt verbally. Now I am afraid to rock the boat again as i can't bear to hear what he says again, and in everything else we are getting on so well again. He is very handsome and could have any woman, and yes he does stay more than a few nights in one place in different cities. But he is a very straight honest person in every other way and if he says he isn't bonking anyone else i do trust him.

Darkesteyes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:50:14

Sorry but refusing all intimacy AND refusing to go to counselling to rectify the situation AND enforcing celibacy on you in the process is emotional abuse. Neglect is abuse and its taken me over 15 yrs to realise that.

perceptionInaPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 23:50:48

Have you checked his phone?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 23:51:02

You being made a mug of

I am not sure in what way...but you are

Darkesteyes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:51:44

Dont know about anyone else headless but i wouldnt have the sexual confidence to masturbate in front of someone who wasnt into me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:53:20

His answer to you taking second place to work was not to work less or be home more but to relocate you nearer your parents and carry on travelling.

His answer to your need for sexual intimacy is to dismiss it because it's not important to him.

I'm not seeing any compromise here. His life hasn't changed at all.

perceptionInaPearTree Wed 02-Jan-13 23:54:45

By the way, OP please don't blame yourself in any way and wonder about your appearance - this is his problem. Because he refuses to try to resolve it with you, which is what he should be doing.

Darkesteyes Wed 02-Jan-13 23:55:02

Hurting you verbally so that you shut up about it. The bloke is an abuser. He wants the status of having a dutiful wifey at home though.

ohjo Wed 02-Jan-13 23:55:55

I don't want to be naiive but is it possible physically for a man to be so exhausted that he doesn't want sex?
I have told him that i miss the sex, a few times, it doesn't seem to bother him,
i am building up to it again,
thanks for all the advice,
so if he is getting it somewhere else, is there any way to tempt him back?

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