story is my mother left the family twenty+years ago to be with her lover .it left us as a family in bits me on medication and counselling whilst i was holding the rest of the family together. my elder sister let rip with a load of vitriol and decided to follow my mother so again have not seen her for twenty +years. anyway have not heard from the both of them for that amount of time until this christmas when my mother basically let rip saying that i have denied her from seeing my kids and asking if they (the kids) know anything of them .my mother also has stated that i should get back in contact with my sister . PLEASE HELP
Ask her how you were supposed to forge a relationship between her and your children when she wasn't there Do you actually want to contact your sister? do you miss her? or have questions you want to ask her/stuff you want to tell her? if not, don't bother. If she contacts you, then you can decide what to do, but if you don't actually want to contact her then don't. You are in charge of your life, it is up to you who you see and when, and also who your children see and when etc while they are young (I'm assuming they are still young, if they're older teens then they need the facts to be able to make their own decisions which is a whole other thread) Just don't panic, don't let your mother railroad you, and take some time to think things over and decide what you want, for yourself and your children. And don't let anyone make you feel for one second that any of it is your fault, your mother chose to leave, chose her lover, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT and never was. Deep breath lovey, and give yourself time to think.
If she had approached with an olive branch of much water under the bridge here's my side of things I would be tempted. However she has initiated contacted with a barrage of abuse laying the blame squarely at your door. I fear this has set the tone of any relationship you may have with her and any time she doesn't get her own way you will be subject to it again, only in future it would be more personal and hurt more as you would have let her back into your life and she would know exactly what to throw at you.
If you decide to re-engage have your boundaries firmly in place and under no circumstances let them be breached. Take your time and refuse to accept the blame. Contact or not is your decision and no one would blame you for refusing to continue with it.
My dm and gm had a falling out 20 yrs ago and I've not seen gm since. I'm not going to say too much as I know my dm comes on here sometimes (although not usually AIBU), but just to say I've not missed her, she's not a very nice woman and I have no interest in seeing or talking to her even if she wanted to.
I would miss my sister though if that happened, depends how old you all were and what was said but I think I would want to maybe try and have some kind of relationship there.
So the first thing she does is come kicking and screaming and she expects you to jump? No no no! No apology from her no nothing? Spare your kids this toxic woman - she wasn't a mother to you and doesn't deserve to be a grandma to them.
She abandoned you 20 years ago and now DEMANDS to play happy families? Tell her to fuck off. She made her choice when she left. It doesn't sound like she'd bring any joy into your life or that of your children. Do not feel guilty. You owe her nothing.
Given her current attitude, I'd say definitely do not allow this woman into your life or your children's.
I wouldn't engage in ANY commumication with her other than to write a letter/text or email (and keep a copy) to tell her calmly but clearly that you WILL NOT be having any further communication with her or your sister. Tell her clearly that they are not coming back into your life-end of. Don't get into any kind of discussion about anything as she will use that to crowbar her way in.
You do not owe her any explanation for your decision and if either of them contact you, put the phone down, close the door of them and delete emails/texts without reading them.
I bet you've done a fabulous job with your family - why ruin it now?
I wouldn't let her back into mine or my DCs life, she's onlygoingtocause you more grief and trouble. She didn't even try and be apologetic when she got back in touch she doesn't deserve to be back in your lives