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I've got a bad feeling about this woman.

(119 Posts)
suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:18:04

I've name changed as I think I would be to recognisable otherwise.

I'm not sure whether I am right to be suspicious or its just my insecurities taking over.
My DP has been working at his current job for over a year now. This woman started working there after him. I've not met her nor any of his other work friends.

Recently (since having a baby) I've noticed he's bringing her up in conversation quite a bit. She has bright red hair and he keeps commenting on how red hair is sexy and I should dye mine that colour. I've noticed she's been posting on his facebook a lot with cryptic messages or inside jokes and puts up pictures of him. Recently she wrote something French and sort of romantic on there. Anyone can see that he's engaged and apparently she's in a relationship.

Now he works with lots of women that I've never thought twice about but I've got a strange feeling about her. He's been going out a lot more recently but I've assumed he's telling the truth about visiting one of his work friends.

Our relationship has been a bit strained since I've had DD and I don't know if I'm just feeling insecure because I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self or if I do have reason to worry.
Surely if something was going on she wouldn't be posting things so publicly? It makes me sad to see how happy he looks in her pictures, I've not seen him that way in a long time.

What do you think? How right can instinct be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 15:22:38

You have reason to worry because of the simple fact that you're worried. Next time he brings up the red hair thing tell him a) it's getting boring and b) you're not happy with the in-jokes and pictures they're sharing online. Whether you're being oversensitive or not, if he respects & loves you, he should agree to back off.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 15:26:42

Your instincts rarely lead you wrong.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:26:48

Oh I forgot to add that I did point out to him that he talks about her a lot and does he have a little crush but he laughed and said he's not attracted to her as she has 'squinty eyes'. I'm not buying it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 15:30:43

Then you're left with the 'I've got my eye on you Sunny Jim' speech.... Take him on face value for now but keep your eyes and ears open.

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 15:40:30

"He's been going out a lot more recently but I've assumed he's telling the truth about visiting one of his work friends."

Are you getting equal amounts of time out with your friends too? Is he making as much effort with your relationship as he appeats to be making with outside friendships? Is he pulling his weight in the house and sharing baby care when he is home?

bestsonever Wed 02-Jan-13 15:46:39

Is there a way of finding out who he is actually seeing when he goes out? Also, it's hard not to become clingy when feeling insecure but that tends to back-fire. Do you get to see your friends while he looks after your DD?

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:47:28

I don't really have friends here. The one I did doesn't want to see me since I had the baby. He holds and changes the baby sometimes and has never done much housework. He made a big effort yesterday and cooked for me for the first time after I was upset because he wouldn't let me hug him bed on new years eve.

carlywurly Wed 02-Jan-13 15:48:24

Trust your instincts. Xh had one of these - they're now living together with their own child. Ours were 4 and 2 at the time.

I wish with hindsight I hadn't tried to be the laidback, tolerant wife but I trusted him.

carlywurly Wed 02-Jan-13 15:49:17

He wouldn't let you hug him? Why?

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:50:35

There's no way of knowing who he's seeing as I don't know any of them. I've never told him to stay in so I'm not clingy at all. I've never been away from DD, she's only 5 months and wont take the bottle (plus I don't trust anyone to know how to look after her)

hygienequeen Wed 02-Jan-13 15:51:40

Trust your instincts sweetheart xx

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 15:53:08

It sounds as though you have several problems here, including the red-head at work.

He doesn't pull his weight at home, he doesn't sound as though he does enough with your baby. He is withholding affection?

I assume he knows you are feeling isolated at the moment? Could he do more to help with that? How about going along with him to mix with his friends? Or if that is difficult because of babysitters, perhaps inviting his friends and their partners over to yours so that you are included within his apparently busy social circle.

I think some straight talking is called for.

suspicion Wed 02-Jan-13 15:54:38

He wouldn't let me hug him that night because he said he was tired and he doesn't like being touched in bed, he squirms about these days when I do touch him when I come to bed. Most of the time he goes to bed a lot earlier than me as it takes me agers to settle DD so we don't get to share any affectionate time together.

ChristmasNamechangeBridezilla Wed 02-Jan-13 15:54:42

I would just say cautiously that your instincts are there for a reason so while its not a good idea to go in guns blazing and accusing him of having an affair, definitely trust your feelings and be on your guard for anything suspicious. Not much help, sorry.

dequoisagitil Wed 02-Jan-13 15:57:42

I think him withdrawing by rejecting your touch and going to bed before you are very suggestive of there being someone else.

bestsonever Wed 02-Jan-13 15:59:05

He's not even allowing hugs, never mind the other :-0, I'd say it's a bad sign and the cooking could be the guilt. Not keeping a life of your own up and relying solely on him for company is risky when things go wrong, it can also make the other person feel under pressure and want to withdraw more. Perhaps you could meet and make friends with mums from baby group meetings, that's a good way to form friendships and support with like-minded people?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 02-Jan-13 16:07:41

I agree that you should trust your instincts - hopefully nothing has actually happened but something is definitely going on with boundaries are being blurred/lines being crossed.

Is he more possessive with his phone?

BabyBorn Wed 02-Jan-13 16:23:59

Sorry to hear this. I would bet he was cheating! Classic signs.

Your breastfeeding your young baby and he is treating you like a twat. He is bound to feel a little pushed to the side but he is taking the poss out of you and I bet he's cheating! I am also breastfeeding my 8.5 month old, she won't take the bottle either and we co sleep but I do try my best to make "special time" for my husband because he does put up with a lot with me having our child strapped to me, but he is respectful and is pacient and would never do what your husband is doing.

Find hard evidence, then kick him out on his arse! If you want to talk, pm me x

diddiehunter Wed 02-Jan-13 16:26:44

Hmmm. You already know the answer to your own question dont you? ? ? I know it might not be what u wanna hear but the fact you're on here asking, shows that! I know id be verrrry suspicious right now and unfortunately i would have already had my blazing guns out and ready to kill him! angry thats just me.tho!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 16:37:32

Withdrawal of affection and Facebook flirting with a red-head... not good.

forgetmenots Wed 02-Jan-13 16:40:27

This doesn't sound good. Has he been careful with his phone (taking it everywhere)?

I think try and get hold of the phone and have a look (don't normally advocate snooping) but the fb thing might just be that the best place to hide a book is in a library, you know?

Either way you need a proper discussion with him.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Wed 02-Jan-13 16:44:25

Aw sorry to hear what you are going through. All us women can do is make 'home' the desirable place to be as much as we can. Don't dye your hair because of what he said yes red hair is probably sexy but redhead's do have some tempers and strops ;-)
At least you are able to see what is going on on facebook don't go on about it too much though incase he decides to block you from seeing it!!
Hope things work out. xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 16:46:24

"All us women can do is make 'home' the desirable place to be as much as we can"

Bit bloody passive isn't it??? hmm 'Don't go on about it too much' WTF?

BunnyLebowski Wed 02-Jan-13 16:48:12

Jesus wept.

Iwasafairy Did it take long to get here from the 1950's?? hmm

OP - it sounds seriously dodgy to me. Sorry sad

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