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The passive husband

(30 Posts)
Misskittywhisker Wed 02-Jan-13 01:09:16

I've been with my husband for many years and he has withdrawn from our relationship and become so passive about just about nearly everything that there is no spark or life to our relationship. The only times he shows spark or spirit is when he is over reacting with the children, or when other people are around. When it is just us, it is as if time has stood still. Things have been like this for a while and I have coped by distracting myself, but at Christmas when everyone is with their families it becomes so noticeable. At times I have had to leave the house and go to the supermarket just to leave the thick slow still atmosphere in the house. I long for lightness and brightness - I compensate for the atmosphere by watching really crass chick flick movies that I love for their innane humour and lack of depth! I can't bear anything heavy or dull because when I am away from him I crave excitement and action - usually achieved by drinking too much and behaving like a fool. I feel a bit like a fraud - we pretend to be a couple like all the others we know, yet there is nothing there and I drink too much to mask it. I usually am far happier and nicer person when he is away or not around. In fact I've hated him being at home in the holidays and wish he would return to work - it's like a black cloud looming over the house. He doesn't really seem to have any relationship with anyone - not his family or friends and my relationships don't feel real - there is something missing from them all as I mask my feelings about my relationship.
I've given up trying to get thru to him and choose to ignore him instead as he usually blows up if I try to say anything about his behaviour.
Should I leave him? We have two children and many financial commitments so it would be really hard.......

NoThankYouToSideSalad Wed 02-Jan-13 13:57:21

MissKitty Yes. The enormity of breaking free is overwhelming, particularly where children are involved. Take baby steps and get your ducks in a row so you are in a good mental and financial position when the time comes to separate. Like Sasabanana, my OH and I are still living together because I need to find a job first. In the meantime, I am preparing for single life by looking after me, culling the house of crap, and rediscovering old friends. I have never felt happier and more confident. I know now that the "old" me is still alive and kicking which has given me the strength and resolve to fly solo. In fact, I can't wait! grin

LouMacca Sat 05-Jan-13 11:57:10

Thinking of you OP x How are you?

madgered Sat 05-Jan-13 15:44:02

I'm in exactly the same situation as you with my DH. I've been trying to pep things up and make a fresh start with him all year. When I try to talk to him about us he will either walk away or get defensive and tell me how awful I am. Same story as yours.

Just before Christmas he told me that he was unhappy (after various reconcilliations) and he wanted to leave. On Christmas day I discovered texts he sent to another woman he also gave her jewelry.

so basically my entire year of trying to make things work was a huge waste of time. he was working on a new relationship the whole time. his behavior is classic Midlife Crises. Script perfect. After a year of tears and unhappiness for me I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. the discovery of this other woman definitely ended it for me. in a way I should be grateful to her. she gave me closure.

We're going ahead with the divorce. So 2013 is going to be another year of extreme stress. he's turned into a monster. I'm frightened of the future. I'm alone with my children, no extended family. it will be interesting. Hopefully he'll make a fantastic ex when everything calms down.

meditrina Sat 05-Jan-13 15:58:17

It is quite possible that he is depressed, has low self esteem etc. But you can't fix such issues for him. If he remains unwilling to work on fixing himself, then there is no chance of a healthy relationship between you. It sounds as if he is already blaming you, rather than seeing it takes two to have a good (or good enough) marriage. Withholding friendship, let alone intimacy, is a relationship killer.

If he cannot see that he needs to do his share, or knows this but refuses to act, then you do need to start thinking about whether you can stay. In the long run, it may harm you greatly to be in such an atmosphere. This isn't just a case of your being the arranger of family activities: that could be part of a healthy relationship if he joined in and appreciated your role. This is a bigger drain on you, and one from which you get nothing.

Thinking about what you want in life, focussing on your needs and those of the DCs, and planning how you make that happen might give you the impetus to make some changes. It will be his choice to join you on this. If he chooses not to, then you will have the answer you need.

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Sat 05-Jan-13 20:26:21

Sorry to hear what you are going through.
You are not alone. I wonder if your husband is depressed.But not all men are good at admitting things like this (particularly mine!)
I haven't got any super advice but my heart goes out to you.
Big hugs x

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