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I don't know how to be happy

(7 Posts)
LikeaLostSoul Tue 01-Jan-13 23:27:43

Hi,
Having a crap day. It's a new year and I know I need to pull myself together and look to the future but I'm struggling.

My story is not uncommon, 'dh' and I had been together for 10 years and married for 6 with a 5 yr old DD. We had what I though was a good marriage until spring last year when after a minor argument he made the decision to move out as he needed 'thinking time' and never came back.

I never have found out if there was an ow, there weren't any obvious signs and nobody has crawled out from the woodwork yet. He has always maintained that his decision was 'for the best', and has not once expressed any regret. He has a good relationship with our DD.

We are getting divorced so I should be looking forward to a new start but I just don't know how to. It sounds so stupid written down but I was trying to think of a wish for new year and all i could come up with was 'to be happy'. Problem is I just don't know what could make me happy anymore. The world is turning and I'm getting through the weeks and months just fine but under the surface I feel as though my soul has been torn from my body.

We had been having several years of ivf for a second child and were ready to start a big renovation project on our home that i had been planning for many years. I'm now going to lose my home in the divorce and have no choice but to move into rented accommodation with our DD due to our financial situation. I am also late 30's so will never have anymore children. He has destroyed all my hopes and dreams for the future and I can't believe I will ever be happy again. I don't think he has any idea of the pain he has caused.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to get this out of my system.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 23:39:36

Everyone's happy will be different.. I am not sure there is a universal 'happy'. That said you are right at the beginning of a new journey/chapter in your life (sorry.. Did not mean it to sound all cheesy). I guess for you it really is one step at a time rather than wondering when/if you will be happy again.... working it out as you go along. have no doubt you will find peace and contentment in your life again but at this stage I think you perhaps need to be kind to yourself and have confidence in your ability to move on and create a new life for yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of our marriage but find strength in the fact that you WILL find a way through x

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 00:15:50

It's what they mean about the 'rollercoaster of emotions'. One minute you're slowly climbing to the top of the ride looking out over a sunny landscape of growing old with your ex, another baby, renovating your house, stability, security, familiarity and then suddenly... zip... the car has done a 90 degree turn, the horizon vanishes and it's a mad sickening blur of uncertainty. All through no fault of your own. It's horrible and it takes time to recover from that.

You will be happy in the future but it'll be a different future to the one you thought you were going to have. In the meantime - and I understand that it's difficult - it's important to find time to appreciate what you've got rather than solely mourning what you've lost. If you're really struggling and genuinely feel that you'll never be happy again, do think about talking to your GP. Traumatic events can trigger depression.

GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles Wed 02-Jan-13 03:01:10

You sound very much like you are grieving not only your marriage but your hopes and dreams for the future. Have to agree with the 2 previous posters and say that you sound like you might be depressed.

It will get better, you deserve the chance to live life on your own terms and maybe you will find someone who adores you and wants to be with you and I don't think you can write off the possibility of more children - you just never know (although I understand about the ivf - took us 5 years to get dd!)

I bet that if you could see into the future, 5 years ahead, you'd be amazed at how far you'd come, and how much life has got better, and the suprises (good ones!) it had in store. And I know it doesn't feel like that now, for now just concentrate on looking after yourself and your dd and getting through the practical stuff.

LikeaLostSoul Wed 02-Jan-13 10:34:17

Thanks so much for the kind advice. I got through Xmas just fine and then new year came along and unexpectedly bit me on the arse.

Rollercoaster of emotions couldn't be closer to the truth. Thing is day to day I'm doing a good job of 'just getting on with it'. Outwardly I'm putting on a brave face and saying and doing all the right things but I feel like a fake. I feel like a hollow empty shell of a person.

Part of my problem is perhaps that I'm stuck in divorce limbo and am likely to be for a few months until finances are sorted. I suspect financially I will be ok (ish) but losing my home is going to tear me apart all over again. I feel like I will be losing my last anchor.

Securing a new mortgage will be out of the question so it will be renting for us going forward. I know this isnt the end of the world but I love my home and the planned rennovations had become a much loved project and hobby for me. I know I am going to find renting very frustrating and quite depressing sad

I probably am a bit depressed to be honest, but I really don't want to turn to medication if I can help it. Perhaps I need to have some counselling, I tried this at the very start but it wasn't very helpful as I was paying £35 an hour to sob in a shed at the bottom of someone's garden smile. Her style was also quite passive in that she didn't give advice but just allowed you to explore your own feelings which I don't think is right for me.

If I am to look for counselling with guidance/advice is there a counselling style/type/name that I should be looking for? Thanks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 11:00:45

"I feel like a fake"

The key is to acknowledge (as you are doing quite healthily) that you're feeling like shit rather than denying your feelings. Also important to talk to friends and family about the way you're feeling occasionally... don't be frightened to admit you're not coping or that you need help. That's the downside of being the 'brave face', 'getting on with it' strong type. Would I be right in thinking that you probably don't want to be seen as weak, needy or feel you are a burden to anyone? Is there anyone you can offload to over a wine?

Counsellors ususally do let you explore your own feelings I'm afraid. They rarely give you a to-do list... smile You could achieve the same sort of thing by keeping a diary and recording your thoughts, fears, triumphs and disasters.

GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles Wed 02-Jan-13 12:25:58

I know what you mean - I've had counsellors who just nodded and looked at me for the whole session, and would only say 'and how did that make you feel?' and I gave up after a few weeks. I have had 3 fab counsellors who realised that they had to be much more pro active and talk more with me - and aski questions and stuff. Otherwise I will sit there cringing for the whole hour.

Having a faking it to make it through day here as well, OP. I fuckin hate new year.

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