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Decided I want out. What's the nicest way to do it?

(4 Posts)
newname55 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:13:22

I've been unhappy in my relationship for over a year. Been with DP for 6 years this month, we don't live together and no DC together (both have DC from previous relationships)

Problems are - no intention of moving relationship forward. We've been doing weekend visits for 6 years now. It's a 130 mile round trip each time. I'm fed up of not being in a proper relationship. For a few years it felt like the best of both worlds - dating someone you know well, still having our own space and lives. Now the novelty has worn off, it feels like the worst of both worlds. Every weekend being away and living out of a suitcase, still being alone and not having any company all week. We've never really properly discussed moving in together, because we are both main carers for our DC and both have exes locally who share care. We've both agreed that it would be impossible to move without seriously impacting our DC's relationships with their other parent. I don't want to change that decision. Plus all children are now settled at schools and two are doing GCSE / A-levels.

Also sex life has gone really rubbish in the last year. For first 5 years, we basically did it every Saturday night and Sunday morning. Really rare to miss. Towards the end of that 5 years I was aware that I might not always be in the mood, but knew if we missed the chance another week would go by so I'd make the effort, and usually ended up enjoying it. This last year though, the pressure of "performing" on a specific night has really started putting me off, to the point where I flinch when he touches me, and pretend to be asleep so he doesn't start. He would never carry on if I ask him to stop, but it's definitely driving a wedge between us as I feel guilty even though he says he understands. (other issues with early menopause are not helping my sex drive)

The actual practicalities of the split would be really easy. Amazingly after 6 years of being in a relationship, and sharing all holidays etc, the only thing of mine at his house is a cardigan I left last weekend, and I can't think of anything of his here. Now I think about it I'm sure that's not a good sign.

The emotional side of it though is where I'm struggling. I have a great relationship with his DC, and my daughter and his kids would be devastated. They have a good step-sibling relationship and see each other most weeks. They've grown up together and have shared all their childhood holidays. My dd is 11 and I'm not sure she really remembers a time before we were together.

I have pretty much decided it's not fair on either of us to continue in the relationship, but need advice on how to end it. Don't know whether to just sit him down and tell him all this, say it's over and not enter into any discussion or do I warn him this is how I feel and give him chance to offer changes etc (not sure what they might be - if I could think of them I'd be doing them) or maybe suggest a break but arrange to visit with DC so they don't feel powerless and hurt? It's going to come out of the blue, as I've been totally bottling it up and we haven't talked about it at all.

DC are 11-18 so not babies, but still too young to arrange to get together themselves. He's a genuinely nice bloke, and we have loads in common, hobbies, similar attitude to life etc. I am really fond of him, but would struggle to say I love him these days.

Sorry this has turned into an essay. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far! x

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 20:22:24

Best to sit him down and tell him quickly and kindly. If you don't see any possibilities for improvement then be really clear about it rather than giving him false hopes. Be equally straight with the DCs but explain that they can continue to be Facebook mates, send texts etc. even if you aren't in a relationship with each other.

cathy44 Tue 01-Jan-13 22:39:48

need advice been married for 21years to my first boyfriend have 2 kids have lovely home but thats about it my husband is getting more harder to live with we dont do any thing together watch tv in different rooms and to be honest i cant stand him hes so self centred and bad tempered i have tried to talk to him but he just blanks me im not working at the moment so getting some were else to live would b a nightmare.have asked him to leave a couple of times but he refuses. at the end of my rope kids keep me going!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 22:44:56

You might want to start a new thread cathy44.

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