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Cheating wife, need help, long

(24 Posts)
SadBear Tue 01-Jan-13 17:43:07

Background: me 51 she's 50, been together 30 years, married 27 years, 2 children (22 and 20), youngest now left home, eldest has Downs and lives with us.

I always thought we had a strong marriage, she let me do whatever I wanted (hobbies and male friends) and I paid most bills. House mortgage now cleared. I never asked her to work but she has had a number of jobs, part time and full time when kids allowed.

I never wanted kids but she did and I said OK. I was a reluctant father, kids used to wind me up and I'd lose temper but I never hit them. Just shouted etc. Yes, I know this is shitty and I'm not proud.

I really can't stand watching TV and she'd sit in lounge and watch TV and I'd play on computer writing software and running several hobby forums. Often she'd go to bed early and by time I went to bed she'd be asleep. We sort of were living parallel lives but I thought she was fine as she never moaned to me, never complained.

Last year has been different. I noticed she was much less close. She's never been one to come up and kiss me and tell me she loved me but she would always respond positively if I did. Sex was wonderful. But then she starts pulling away if kiss developed from a peck. She wouldn't hug. It was obvious she wasn't enjoying sex.

I'm a big coward and didn't want to ask what was wrong in case I didn't like the answers. I check several relationship forums on the net and the answer I found was she was seeing someone else.

Start of December I couldn't sleep and and got up early and checked her phone. Lots of texts to someone with a silly name. After no sleep and without glasses I had difficulty reading them but they were flirtatious. One went on "maybe you will get a naked hug in 2013".

I confronted her at 7am and we had a long talk and much crying but she denied an affair. When I checked when she was getting dressed the texts had been deleted.

We talked more when she came home. Lots more crying from both. We acknowledged our failings (me shouting and be separate and her never complaining to me). I've been a wreck emotionally since but we started talking and I spent time with her. We can laugh and we've had more sex in the last month than I can remember and we both are enjoying it.

But I kept checking her phone, I write phone software and I was stunned she thought she could hide some stuff from me with me knowing how they work. I haven;t seen any more texts but I Knew that she had been texting him and deleting the texts.

I rang the number (as a wrong number) and got his name. So I asked who he was and she said "just a friend". "He's married with 2 kids and loves his wife." She told me she had thought about leaving me but decided to stay because she didn't want some poor woman meeting me :-( She said "you need to think on this... I'm here with you by choice not elsewhere." I'm sure he works at her place. She's handed her notice in but they want her to stay. I want her to leave but she doesn't want me to give her cash till she has a job so she may stay.

She promised not to text him any more. But she is now hiding her phone as she knows I can probably find some stuff out. I checked her old phone and his mobile number was in it under a strange name. Some old texts were innocuous "merry xmas happy new year" from this time last year. But not saved under his name nor his initials.

What I don't understand is we now talk, sit together, laugh hard at our jokes and we're at it like rabbits. We sleep cuddled together and her kisses are a killer. I can't believe she can fake the affection, passion and tenderness in a kiss if she doesn't feel something for me.

After 30 years I still fancier her terribly. I want to have her all the time and she looks better at 50 in many ways than when she was 20.

I've told her I'm ashamed my actions "drove her into the arms of another man" and she didn't deny it. I gave her 5 separate occasions when I said I'd forgive her if she admitting something had happened and she denied it every time. She's adamant she's not been unfaithful but those texts suggested if she hadn't she was planning.

The worst I've done is gone to pole dancing bar with work colleagues when abroad. It was fun to be all macho but it was tacky and I felt terrible afterwards. She knows I have shoe/stocking interest but she didn't know how bad it is. I admitted I had a large (6000+ images) of shoes and legs. She has a gorgeous pair of legs at 50 but getting her to wear a skirt is nigh on impossible. Now she knows how bad I like legs it's worse still :-(

I've changed everything I was doing she finally complained about. I now help with meals, wash up, tidy up, do taxi-ing services. Generally I take a much more active roll in the house albeit 22years late. She said we had sex not made love for all those years but that has changed too. I've deleted huge amounts of porn/fetish images. (I keep finding it hidden in the many computers).

I'm so confused. I love her and fancy her so much but I can't trust her if she is hiding her phone. It's tearing me apart. Do I ignore the phone hiding or do I try to get it and check?

I'm moving from the shock that my wife may have/is cheating and "I'll do anything to keep you" into deciding it's a full on nuclear confrontation of "it's me or him and fuck off now it's him". Or maybe I should suggest his wife check her husbands phone and phone records?

Help please.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 17:53:26

I always think in these situations, when emotions are raw and it's difficult to think straight because of shock revelations, that you should take some time out from each other, go away and think separately.... then get back together and see if you still want the same things. If not, be honest with each other and go your separate ways. Sounds like you've been living alongside each other rather than with each other for a long time... maybe this is the push you both need to stop taking each other for granted.

VivaLeBeaver Tue 01-Jan-13 17:54:35

I think you need to make a decision whether you trust her or not. From what you've written it seems not.

So are you prepared to carry on with the lack of trust working on your relationship and hope things carry on improving? It sounds like there's been big changes already.

She might not have had an affair. She might just have enjoyed attention from someone when she wasn't getting it from you. So if you carry on been more committed to the relationship then maybe she won't feel the need for that attention from another man?

It certainly sounds like you'll never know for sure if she was unfaithful or not. Are you prepared to drop it and look forward?

I wouldn't recommend telling the other wife. For one thing if she did kick him out then there's more chance your wife will leave you. She certainly wouldn't be happy with you for doing it. But then as a wife if my husband was cheating I'd want someone to tell me. I don't know.....difficult. My advice would be to concentrate on your own relationship and try to forget about this other man.

VivaLeBeaver Tue 01-Jan-13 17:56:03

Btw, is your wife a mumsnetter?

EleanorGiftbasket Tue 01-Jan-13 17:58:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

senoritapoojita Tue 01-Jan-13 17:59:19

Please accept the fact that she is not going to leave you or do anything sexual.
Just "flirting" harmless flirting to keep her menopausal age going.
Please remember once a upon a time you adored her unconditionally, now she wants a little bit reassurance not from you but someone who isn't you who is able to compliment her for what she looks like now.

Please don't wreck yourself over this matter, please put it behind you and move on. It is harmless flirtation,since you have found out about the text she would be more sorry and ashamed and will not do anything to break your heart again.
please let it go, don't throw away the commitment that you two had over some silly text messages.
Forgive but don't forget and make the most of 2013.

Happy New Year!

Tortington Tue 01-Jan-13 18:04:41

you need to go to relate, thee is something about having an unknown third person in the room that makes you realise that normal things you think are being taken out of context are not normal - or - with that person in the room, you realise that you are being extremely jeuvinile/stupid etc.

i guess a lot of people don't see the point - the list is long and it costs from about 20 - 60 quid. small price to pay to save the one you love me thinks. and it isn't as good as the heart to heart talks you have.

i think the main thing to remember is that the constant checking will drive you crazy and it will drive her crazier. you need to tell her to shit or get off the pot - shes either committed to you or she isn't.

mrscynical Tue 01-Jan-13 19:11:05

Jeez, Eleanor G that's a bit harsh.

The OP has come here to ask for advice whilst admitting his failings and has obviously decided to step up and be a better husband, albeit because he thinks his wife is having an affair. None of us are perfect and, although I admit that some things are unforgivable, I don't think that the OP has crossed that line in his marriage.

If one person hates watching TV why should a partner have to watch as well. I like shopping, my boyfriend does not so he does not come. My boyfriend loves going to football matches and I don't so I don't go. The thought of making my other half sit and watch Coronation Street with me is horrendous. I'm not a sadist! Why should people do activities that they don't like just because their partner does? Is all that builds is resentment on both sides.

Fetish images and porn are two different things in my book and, whilst excessive porn usage would not be something I would be comfortable with, I cannot see how images of stockings or nice legs is comparable. But I know many here may disagree. Many fetish-loving men would not get turned on by a naked woman or 'normal' sex images at all.

I think the suggestion to get counselling is good and perhaps you should both agree to have an honest conversation about sex, fetish desires, flirting and how all these things make you both feel is equally important.

Sounds to me like your relationship is worth saving and has every chance to be even better than it has been in the past so long as you are both prepared to open up and be totally honest with each other.

Hesterton Tue 01-Jan-13 19:33:21

The problem with fetishistic desire in a man is that it objectifies the woman.
I'm not surprised she won't wear skirts for you if, for years, you have denied her the other, more personal respects such as sharing responsibilities and taking an interest in each other which might have negated the objectifying aspect of fetishism.

Having said that, she has not communicated her feelings adequately to you but instead indulged her - whatever it is/was - for another without exploring with you what was wrong in the relationship.

I would also suggest that if your marriage is to be salvaged from this sad mess, you both need to communicate much better, using a good counsellor if possible.

I hope things improve for you both, whatever the outcome, in 2013.

Slippersox Tue 01-Jan-13 19:44:19

We went to Relate when I found out my DH of almost 30 years had been texting /sexting a woman from work when their friendship crossed boundaries ,he also kept secret from me the extent of their contact,meeting up for chats almost every lunchtime for several months.
I was completely devastated and our marriage almost ended but we did work things through - hard as it was -and after many months of uncertainty and trying to regain trust and a lot of talking we got there.Really we both never stopped loving each other but although we seemed happy enough before the 'affair' was discovered lots of little grievances had been building up on both sides.Little things like going to bed at different times,having good sex but forgetting that a lovely kiss or a kind word or thoughtful deed can mean just as much.My DH had his head turned by the flattery and attention of someone who saw only his most attractive and flirty side.I'm only thankful it got intercepted before it went as far as a full blown physical affair.It sounds as if there is still a lot worth saving from your marriage, and you are willing to examine yourself but most importantly your wife must be willing to look very closely at her own behaviour and weaknesses too.Above all keep talking.We have just had the most lovely Christmas and I know my DH feels the same in that we are happier and closer than we've ever been.All the best.

akaemmafrost Tue 01-Jan-13 20:03:20

I am afraid I agree with Eleanor. It's the same only story, too little, too late. When you had your lovely family you treated them badly and now it looks like she might be escaping suddenly you're dropping around like a love sick school boy. I've seen all this before, in so many couples, so many times. Man treats his wife like crap for years and when she finally sees the light it's the end of his world. You had decades to see all this. I've no sympathy and is say the same if this was a woman before anyone calls double standards.

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 21:23:03

Eleanor has said what I was I was thinking. And, in common with emma, I also thought 'too little, too late'.

I'm surprised your dw didn't ditch you ask herself what was the point of you years ago.

She's told you she's staying with you out of choice, and you'd be a fool to do anything that may make her change her mind.

If this means you're destined to spend the next 27 years of your marriage dancing attendance on your dw and turning yourself inside out to please her, all I can say is there is a god karma rocks.

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 21:51:07

I'm moving from the shock that my wife may have/is cheating and "I'll do anything to keep you" into deciding it's a full on nuclear confrontation of "it's me or him and fuck off now it's him". Or maybe I should suggest his wife check her husbands phone and phone records?

Having re-read your OP, it appears that you've merely been reading from the same old hackneyed script playacting when attempting to convince your dw that you've seen the error of your ways.

I therefore feel obliged to drop a few words into MrsBear's shell-like, namely, you go gal! 50 is the new 30 and with your gorgeous legs you'll have no problem kicking up your heels and kicking your entitled twat of an h into orbit around planet offufuck

<hopes MrsBear will put in an appearance on this board>

Avuncular Tue 01-Jan-13 22:30:55

But when it actually comes down to the wire - 'better the devil you know!' ?? ...... on both sides.

Mend fences and get on with enjoying life again ?

bestsonever Tue 01-Jan-13 22:39:49

It's just sad that she spent so much of her time with you already. You must know that to admit to continually have sex with someone who you are aware is not enjoying it is always going to get you flamed without sympathy?

Feckthehalls Tue 01-Jan-13 23:02:15

You sound like you have reasonable insight into your part in the marriage problems.
Interestingly there is something of a mantra in these parts that says it is NEVER your fault in any way if your partner is unfaithful. I have never subscribed to this view and I see you don't either . I think this will help you both to get through this , if indeed that is what you both want.

Good luck

SundaeGirl Wed 02-Jan-13 00:19:31

OP, I think you've been treated harshly on here. You're looking for help and that's agood thing. You didn't list your good points, just your bad so you've been judged on those.

However, it does seem as though you and DW could use some counselling. 30 is a long time to just bin and it seems as if your wife is pleased with the new you. There a good reasons for thinking your marriage is worth saving.

TheFallenNinja Wed 02-Jan-13 00:50:23

Dude. What kind of a freak show are you. You do not do the following, ever, under any circumstance.

1. Go into a woman's handbag
2. Read a woman's diary.
3. "Check" her phone.

If you think she cheated, you ask once, if you don't believe the answer, leave. Spending your days killing something that is dead is kind of pointless.

Reluctant father / weird fetishes / serial spy.

Get some help ffs

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Wed 02-Jan-13 01:06:58

I'm with Eleanor, Emma, Izzy and Ninja I'm afraid.

Read between the lines here people. This man admits to being 'a reluctant father' and to 'getting wound up' and 'shouting'. His elder child has Down's syndrome. I don't need to read any more. I hate him already!

He also thinks his wife is a chump for not realising that of course he will spy on her and find out about her activities on her phone because he writes phone software! And thinks it's perfect natural to advise someone else to spy in the same way.

He's got literally thousands of images of legs but she won't wear a skirt for him. I fucking wouldn't either.

Does anyone else here think that perhaps she detests him and with many good reasons and is probably staying only for the sake of their grown up daughter who still lives at home or because her OM won't leave his wife?

LOL at a man thinking that a woman 'letting him do what he wanted' = a strong marriage.

I take a much more active roll in the house albeit 22years late

You said it OP. You mean 22 years after the birth of your disabled daughter, don't you?

Ugh, how horrible.

ThinkingItThrough Wed 02-Jan-13 01:16:40

30 years is a long time and it can't have been bad for all of it. It is so easy to drift apart and stop communicating. And there is a family to think of which means each party has to put immediate emotions aside and think as rationally as possible about what the outcomes for the family as well as yourselves will be either way, especially for your oldest.

Visualising the different possible futures for all of you might help you both agree on which is the best option and which one you are both prepared to invest in - whether reconciliation or separation. It must be really hard to lay all your faults out in the open like this, knowing the response you might get and I think you have been really brave to do this. I hope you both choose the same path, whichever it is and are both happy with your decision in the long run. Good Luck!

zippey Wed 02-Jan-13 02:18:51

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. You seem to have made your fair share of mistakes, as Im sure we all have. Im sure your wife has made mistakes too. It may be too late but then it may not. Its maybe time to start a new kind of relationship with yourwife, if she lets you. If you're not able to salvage your relationship, look at it as a fresh start for you. You might be better off without her.

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 02-Jan-13 08:01:02

So for all of these years you have wanted no part of your wife's life, no part in your children's life. You have made no effort to involve yourself in your family, just left her to get on with everything whilst you have enjoyed your male friends, hobbies, fetishes and porn.

I don't excuse her for getting involved with someone else, she should have left you before she started that. You need to do some serious shaping up though, if you want to have your wife stay with you.

chantana Fri 04-Aug-17 19:00:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maelstrop Fri 04-Aug-17 19:49:32


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