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So it's not all in my head then:( (long)

(468 Posts)
MerlotforOne Tue 01-Jan-13 17:04:15

Can't quite believe I'm writing this, but need to get it written down before I minimise it again.
This morning, DH and I both a bit tired, DS (3) acting up a bit. DH offered to take DS and dog for a walk so I could get some peace. DS was being difficult about getting his coat on and DH was acting as though his temper was getting strained. He muttered 'I don't work hard all week to come home to this!' And then pinned DS on the stone floor and wrestled him into his coat. DS was sobbing and I wanted to comfort him, bu DH snarled t me to go upstairs and let him get on with it. I would normally retreat at this point so as not to provoke him, but today I decided not to and stood m ground.

He asked me again to go and I said if he was upset he should take the dog out and clear his head, and leave DS with me. He said 'you really don't want to push me just now' and I asked why he was threatening me? He walked over and shoved me really hard through the doorway into the next room and onto the floor. DS saw this sad and ran over to me. We both somehow ended up upstairs and DH followed us up and stood there saying I was over-reacting as it was only a shove had provoked him so i deserved the shove.

I was crying and DS was upset and brought me his muslin and dummy sad. I refused to let DH touch me and he told me again I was overreacting and denied the comment about me deserving it, said I had made that up. He then took DS and went for the walk. I haven't been able to send being in the same room all day, but daren't leave in case he gets really angry and does something worse.

He has only physically assaulted me once before, 8 years ago on holiday, and was so drunk at that time that he passed out and claimed no memory of it. He can be grumpy and I feel I walk on eggshells and that I have to justify myself a lot. Since the incident 8 years ago, I've always backed down before he lost his temper, and fooled myself that he'd changed, but I discovered mumsnet 6m ago and have been reading a lot on this board and feeling increasingly uneasy that quite a lot f it applied to me.

He is not at all financially controlling, but was very jealous and quite controlling of my social life (back when I had one) and can be quite argumentative after a drink (not that he drinks much these days). He can also be loving and affectionate and we have long periods of time where everything seems fine, but I've been excusing his behaviour for a very long time and now there are really no excuses left.

Don't know what to do really. Thoroughly miserable and very confused.

izzyizin Tue 01-Jan-13 23:28:04

How much more difficult do you think it will be when (and it is a 'when' not an 'if') you and/or your ds end up with bruises or worse and you know you could have prevented it 'if only' you'd spoke out about what he did on 1 Jan 2013?

As for his 'I am so sorry', it's the panto season and the only possible response is 'O no you're not'. He's only said those words so that you'll be acquiescent - and he'll be free to do it again when he feels the urge to vent his spleen on his dw and his defenceless child.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 23:37:44

I was crying and DS was upset and brought me his muslin and dummy

Three years old and the poor little thing is already feeling responsible for protecting mummy and trying to make her happy. He really shouldn't be in that position.

gandaulf Tue 01-Jan-13 23:41:43

Dear Izzyizin

I have come across some of your posts before on issues like this and find them extremely unhelpful. You sound very bitter and almost triumphant at times with what some of the women are going through. You make it seem black and white, you come across very off-hand, and i almost feel that you are trying to say that if the women don't leave or sort it out then that's their fault.
A few weeks ago i did a thread to which you replied - very nastily and sarcastically may i add - so much so that I was very uncomfortable and felt belittled and stupid by your insensitive comments and total lack of empathy that i name changed.
I am a bit fed up with your postings on the serious issues presented in these particular threads and think you should either read your postings very carefully - so you can be aware of how they sound OR just don't post at all on the threads surrounding this particular issue.

Now i have confronted you - albeit anonymously - i feel quite elated that I have had the strength to speak my mind against you - someone who I feel is bordering on being a bully.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 23:47:03

If Izzy's advice is so bitter and bullying (which I'm not reading at all btw), what would you advise the OP to do gandaulf?

delilahlilah Wed 02-Jan-13 00:00:10

I'm sorry Gandaulf, but I think it is your interpretation of Izzyizin's posts that is the problem. I have only ever seen her give very sage, practical advice, and help out those in need. I take it that you didn't agree with what she said to you on your thread? Well why not discuss it there instead of hijacking someone else's thread to vent your spleen? Izzy is being honest. If you don't want opinions, don't ask for them on a forum. Not everyone is going to agree with you.
Good luck to you OP. For what it's worth I agree that you should leave for good for your DS if not for yourself.

gandaulf Wed 02-Jan-13 00:05:41

It is not a case of people asking for advice - as i posted, it is the tone. Also I agree with you delilah - if people don't want opinions don't post. I am exercising this right by giving my 'opinion' about Izzys posts - why am I less deserving of posting my opinions than the rest of you? Any thoughtf?

By the way Cogit, on the thread i posted several weeks ago - you yourself commented to Izzy that she wasn't being very tactful or helpful.
So why would you now be saying that all she gives is kind, thoughtful, sage advice?

TranceDaemon Wed 02-Jan-13 00:08:12

OP you must feel so scared and uncertain right now, but please take strength from the knowledge that many of us have been where you are, and managed to get out. You are doing the right thing to protect yourself and your precious boy.

Izzyisin is right, though it may be tough to read. You have the chance NOW to leave, to get away from this abuse, you are RIGHT to do so, please don't doubt yourself in that whatsoever. You will need to be strong and you will get through this. It gets so much better once you are away, I promise. It won't be easy, but compared to what you are going through now, it's a breeze. Now is the time, act and be safe. We are behind you, now get as much real life help as you can. You have done NOTHING wrong.

TheFallenNinja Wed 02-Jan-13 00:09:26

I have to ask but what are you waiting for? You say you walk on eggshells so I can only assume you are waiting for it to happen again which, to my simple mind, means you know it will happen again.

Once a hitter, always a hitter. Get him out, now, protect your son and yourself.

gandaulf Wed 02-Jan-13 00:11:18

I am not hijacking someone elses thread = I came on here to read about people who might be experiencing something like I have done - and yet again came across Izzys posts. She herself sometimes vents her spleen but is not accused of 'hijacking'.

I just feel her tone may put people off from posting and receiving kind, thoughtful, helpful advice rather than having it implied that by staying everything that happens is the victims fault. She has implied this on a number of different posters threads and through her various postings on this issue.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 00:18:28

"So why would you now be saying that all she gives is kind, thoughtful, sage advice?"

Where did I say that? I didn't. I asked what you'd suggest the OP should do. I'm not reading anyone at all saying it's the OP's fault.... just a lot of encouragement to get out, some more bluntly expressed than others.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:23

" having it implied that by staying everything that happens is the victims fault"

There's a massive difference between blaming a victim and encouraging them to leave by pointing out that they will regret staying should the violence escalate or be repeated.

gandaulf Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:23

I hope that the OP makes decisions that will be 'safe' ones for her and her son. 'Safe' decisions are not necessarily the ones that are the ' you know what you should do ' decisions.

Dear OP,
I apologise for my above psotings. I hope that you will take 'safe' decisions. Womensaid can help you and you can do so anonymously if you want. Perhaps you have parents who you can send your son to for a visit. Then you may be able to focus on contacting womensaid and making a start of tackling this awful situation you have found yourself in.
Despite everyone advising you to leave asap - I know it is not that simple, it can just seem too huge to contemplate and the panic in just thinking about it overwhelming. I am ongoing in trying to sort out my own situation but believe that advice from womensaid or refuge would be of real help to you at this point.
Good Luck X

gandaulf Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:16

I was talking about my postings from several weeks ago!

gandaulf Wed 02-Jan-13 00:24:33

To Cogit
I was talking about my postings from several weeks ago. Why are you trying to make me feel stupid - not nice!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 00:28:13

You can't expect people to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of threads past and cross reference. If you have a point to make to an OP or if you disagree with the advice the OP is getting, speak up. But making accusations against other members and questioning their motives based on something they said in the past tends to make you look like the bully rather than them....

bestsonever Wed 02-Jan-13 00:41:29

I'm thinking that the OP may have a point with police involvement being extreme for a shove, though it's enough to seriously address and sort out what necessary action to take.
As the OP has been with her DH for many years, I doubt that she would be in immediate physical danger, so I think that taking time to process her 'light-bulb' moment regarding the EA, may be an alternative approach to "leave tomorrow". She may need to put on a front of obedience whilst putting other plans in action. She does have her DC to think of, her career and where to live which is a lot to sort out.

gandaulf Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:12

I have done exactly as you said and challenged and spoken out to voice my opinion on Izzyizzins posts. I have done so - on my own and with no back-up from other posters. I am not a bully - I am voicing an opinion and have not enlisted the help of other posters in doing so.

Bullies normally get their courage when others encourage them. You must feel very empowered Cogit with other posters backing you up about MY postings. I tried to end this nastiness a couple of threads earlier but you just won't let it lie. Why is that Cogit - do you feel threatened because I am standing up for myself?
People posting on these issues myself included feel very self-conscious and aware how society reacts when we stay, we may not react in your well thoughtout logical way so I suggest you try and be a little less judgemental on the people commenting and spare a thought to their issues instead!

bestsonever Wed 02-Jan-13 00:56:02

Let it go gandulf, or do your own thread. To sort something like this out or leave is the best one can do for our children. Is a mother who chooses to stay doing the best for her DC, or choosing a path that she wants regardless of her DC? Violence is a clear cut issue.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 02-Jan-13 01:03:52

Um, iirc, Cogito is actually a qualified and experienced family law solicitor. Even if not , s/he reliably gives good legal advice.

gandaulf Wed 02-Jan-13 01:10:17

I was quite willing to let it go when i responded to the OP's plight. I see that I am being blamed for this nastiness on this thread by the 'regular' posters. As I said before I have viewed these particular threads to find advice etc. I had every right to express my opinion on one of your 'regulars'.
She told me that he should be buried under the patio and if not and i didn't leave how could I expect anyone to sympathise. Is that kind helpful, thoughtful, advice? That was the very first time I had gone on a forum like this to explain my situation and recieved that in return. I will never post again and hope that Izzyizin thinks about her future postings and the effect they can have!

jynier Wed 02-Jan-13 01:14:54

OP So very sorry for your troubles; I think that you should report him to the police and the GMC and leave him. Best wishes

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Wed 02-Jan-13 01:28:11

Oh OP, so much of what you are saying resonates with me. Please dont minimize it & stay with him longer, it's only by leaving him that you'll stop feeling adrift & doubting yourself. It will take a while to regain your sense of self & sense of reality, that's what being in an abusive relationship does to you.

Keep posting & keep yourself safe. Xxx.

Ps I am a professional too, I know how stupid I felt thinking I should have known better & I was revealing myself as a sham... But it's not true you know, having a good job is no inoculation against abuse!

jessjessjess Wed 02-Jan-13 01:45:55

OP. Please do have a look at the link I posted about the cycle of abuse.

The thing is, after an hour or a day you can convince yourself it wasn't that bad. Because it feels so hard to leave, to dismantle your life, to break the silence. That's why people were urging you to act now - because in the morning you may lose your resolve.

Please at the very least tell your doctor as others have suggested and call Women's Aid to find out what help you could get (they can advise on finances, legal rights, all sorts).

I spent seven years in a relationship that was wrong, wrong, wrong but I convinced myself it was okay because I had chosen that path, hasn't I?

I also grew up with a father whose moods meant we all walked on eggshells all of the time. If you can't leave for yourself, focus on doing it for your DS. It is not better to stay for the sake of children when you are staying in an environment of fear.

A loving partner does not physically hurt you and then gaslight you. You talk of things going back to normal, but your normal isn't normal. Remember your first post, where you talk about walking on eggshells, about him being controlling, about how he can be loving - sure he can, but that's not meant to be a part-time thing.

I promise you that, if you leave, it will be a relief and you will look back and feel glad you did. Maybe not immediately, but in time.

Damash12 Wed 02-Jan-13 03:34:09

Merlot- hope you're ok and have got through this evening. I hope you get some really good super from your family. I do totally understand the the posts on reporting but I also understand your predicament. I had exactly the same thing with an ex. I knew calling the police there and then would have caused massive issues so I waited til the next day, room his house key off his fob without his knowledge, and made the pretence I was taking the dog out. Once out called relatives to pick me up and then contacted his parent to get him removed from my house. The calls ce and the name calling and the threats and at this point I used the come anywhere near me card and I'll call the police. You h will know the consequences of this happening so you may have this as a good stick to beat him with (should make a nice change) but please do call the police if he ever does attack you or do the same again as today. You description of events with Ds bringing his dummy bought tears to my eyes, bless him. The poor thing knows it's not right and will get very scared. Scoop him up and get the pair of you out of there and don't look back. Please let me know how you get on. Good luck.

Damash12 Wed 02-Jan-13 03:36:23

Stupid mobile corrections - support not super and took not room. Sorry if there's more.

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