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Not in love with DP anymore... [sad]

(43 Posts)
Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 16:51:17

Hi there, I have been with DP 7 years and we have a 3 yo DD. I don't even know how to start because our relasionship was never great, I fell infatuated with him when I was with my previous BF, it was a very sexual relationship, he has never been very, funny or romantic orshowed that he REALLY wanted to be with me, until I accidentally became pregnant (although I was delighted as i have always wanted kids and I was 30) and he changed a lot. Mucho more loving, and he tells me nicer things, helps around the house. But... now I feel that we have very little in common, he still never wants to go out with me and DD to do stuff together, we don't share hobbies, friends or anything, and I have been increasingly more and more upset. We just never talk, last night was a complete disaster as I was so upset I didn't celebrate anything...

I feel I am with him and haven't moved out because DD and him adore each other and I am putting that before my own hapiness.

Plus, I recently met a man I dated for a few months, we have started texting and have met for coffee a couple of times. He has made clear he would like to be with me, and I know all this "the grass is greener" stuff, but I feel I have a lot more things in common with him, the sparkle is deffinitelly there, that we could have so much more fun that what I have now. My life with DP is miserable, but I hate hurting people and don't want to hurt DP or DD and I am stuck...

Any thoughts? please don't be harsh as I am really strugling with this. Should I leave him and move on? Even typing that makes my stomach turn, or should I concentrate in making it wrok and forget the other man (which it won't be easy anyway as he has just moved a few houses down!)

Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

FlojoHoHoHo Tue 01-Jan-13 16:55:25

U sounds exactly like a close friend of mine. As a single parent myself normally I say don't do it! But if u otherwise have a good support network..
My friend left him and was (and still is) happily married to new guy. Her DD is much happier as mum is much happier and they go out a lot more as a family and have family hols etc.
But, maybe she just got lucky, u might not.

HettySunshine Tue 01-Jan-13 17:00:24

I think you need to be single for a while. You went from one DP straight to another and now you are thinking of again going directly on to someone else.

You need a bit of time to be by yourself and get some perspective.

Sorry you feel like this but I honestly think some time on your own (with your dd) will do you the world of good.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:00:56

Well I am not from the UK so I don't have any family here, but this other man is single parent to a 12 yo and dotes on him, he has fought for custody and won, he is so much happier now than when I met him before and I know he would be very supportive with my DD. Now, DP has all his family here and I know they would support him too.

jessjessjess Tue 01-Jan-13 17:00:58

If you don't mind my saying, your post is all about him. What he does/doesn't do. It takes two to make a good relationship.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:04:47

jessjessjess, true. Believe me I have tried, I have been trying for years, I always knew this is what he was like and didn't complaint, but recently I realised that I am not happy. All he does is sit and watch tv, we have been on holiday twice in 7 years before DD and both times because I insisted. We go out for dinner 3 or 4 times a year, and I have to insist, I feel like a pest. he likes cycling, I got a bicicle and a helmet and went with him, but now I work full time and in the winter, sorry but I don't feel like going cycling. He likes bikes and I go and watch with him even if I am bored to death. And even after all this, I/we are not happy.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:05:16

sorry if I sounded defensive, I didnt intent to, I know why you said that and tried to explain.

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:07:16

I don't think people should stay in relationships where the love is gone, you will end up hating and resenting your dp for it.
But you shouldn't be thinking of leaving because you believe this new man will be good for dd. she has a dad who loves her already.

It definitely sounds like you need some single time but please don't rush into anything thinking it will benefit your dd.

If you are this unhappy your dp probably is too

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:07:58

HettySunshine, I was for a while, as when I left my BF for him it didn't work straight away and we where apart for a few months. I was quite happy but VERY lonely, mind you, I didn't have DD then, but I live in a tiny town don't have family, few friends are mostly busy at weekends and I was very lonely. Also, I think it would be difficult not to be with this guy if I split up from DP as we are both on the same boat and we like each other company a lot...

heyelp Tue 01-Jan-13 17:08:56

Koine - gosh this sounds like me.....became infatuated with my DH. Pursued him. Very sexual etc. Never really knew if he really wanted me or we were so compatible.....We got married because I was early 30s and wanted kids. Now have DS age 6 and DD age 4. They adored him. We don't talk. We have little in common. Cannot remember last time I laughed with him. I started seeing somebody else 3 years ago. Broke my heart - he went overseas. Told DH. He hardly reacted really. And now we just limp on. Sad. Don't really know what to do. Will be following your advice. Hand holding....

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:10:36

"But you shouldn't be thinking of leaving because you believe this new man will be good for dd. she has a dad who loves her already"

Nono, maybe I didn't explain. I have always fantasised with the idea of being on my own with DD, before I re-met this guy. But never had the guts to separate DD and DP. Now that I have met him again its just so much tempting and I only said that he would help, me, I would move with him because he would be good to her. Never.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:13:20

heyelp, oh my god! it does souns so similar. Me and DP where going to get married this year, but he hasn't done anything from his side, I did everything on mine, etc. now I am going to canel it, and he doesn't care. The difference is, if I told him I see OM even for a coffee or texts etc. i will react if anything else happens and I tell him he woul immediatelly leave me. That is for sure.

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:14:03

Sorry kione I must have misunderstood.
I do think you should leave but just do it for yourself not for someone else.

AmandaPayne Tue 01-Jan-13 17:15:22

I think you need to separate the idea of this new man, the excitement of all of that, from the issue of your current relationship. You have a track record of jumping from relationship to relationship and I suspect that there are issues within yourself that you also need to work on. You seem to be looking to this new man as the solution to your problems and a way to be happy. If you leave for new man, you might find that in five years you are repeating the cycle all over again. That would be very destructive for you, your DD, and any more children you have.

Have you thought about counselling with your DP to work out whether that relationship has a future?

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:17:39

That is the think, if I leave its for me, totally. But I am staying because I don't want to separate them. I know I will be happier if I leave, but will she? will DP?? that is why I haven't done it. I can't bear the thought of causing so much pain sad

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:17:58

Thing, not think

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:20:06

Amanda, yes I know and I actually explained that to new man. I have a docs appointment tomorrow and will ask about counselling.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:21:16

New man had the snip, so won't be having more kids with him, that is something that put me off when I met him previously.

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:22:33

Tbh she may actually have a better relationship with him if you split. IME (although I know this isn't always the case) men tend to make their time with their dcs more important and build a very good relationship with them that way

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:27:56

Oooh it all sounds like I just should grow some "balls" and just do it?? it is just so scary!!!

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:38:26

Why don't you actually talk to your dp about it. Tell him you are unhappy. If you have tried everything then if and when you do split it will be a lot easier for you

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:45:43

I have, half of the time he blames it on my PMS, the other half he sits there and says nothing, or things improve a little, onlu to fall again in a few days. Sorry i seem to have a reply for every advice, but it is like this, I have been thinking and unhappy for ages, much before I started contact with new man which was only a month ago.

But yes, talking is always good and I will keep it in mind, I will wait for a time where I am not PMS to talk to him.

Kione Tue 01-Jan-13 17:48:01

Thanks WakeyCakey, I so needed to talk about it!
But he is back now and whe I look at him thinking those things I feel so sorry for him that I want to hug him! Its a bit crazy...

pylonic Tue 01-Jan-13 17:52:55

New man appears on the scene and the comparison works unfavourably against your current partner? ...

WakeyCakey Tue 01-Jan-13 17:55:19

It's that feeling that I think keeps a lot of couples together, that urge in the last 5 minutes to love him. But if you aren't feeling like you love h the rest of the time then you will resent him for not givin y

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