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Onwards from Stately Homes in 2013

(24 Posts)
Salbertina Tue 01-Jan-13 12:59:58

Anyone want to join me in a post-stately positive-ish support thread?

badtoworse Tue 01-Jan-13 16:06:30

I've seen these threads and never really known what they were about. Until I had a huge, life changing fall-out with my mother, who it turns out, is a bit of a narcissist. There's a still ongoing thread on this board (my mother hates my husband) all about it and we're currently in the process of moving out of her house that we share with her. I'm hoping 2013 is going to be a better year and will certainly be reading the stately homes threads from now on, think there'll be plenty more head-fuckery to come from DM and I'll need all the help I can get!

Salbertina Tue 01-Jan-13 17:11:49

Hello! All the best with that move, sounds positive from what you say.

I intended this thread to complement the Stately thread (which provides such wonderful support); for this one to be a means to share positive forward-looking stories, experiences for anyone willing/ready if that makes sense?

As for me, I've been no contact with my birth family for 4 or 5 months and am desperately trying to be positive about this. I refuse to be beaten down by it and am trying to see the good in it, be strong and move forward.

Salbertina Tue 01-Jan-13 17:32:20

Hope i didn't sound dismissive (distracted by kids so briefer than intended...) i saw yr other thread and sounds a nightmare sad. Really hope it works out for you and dh away from yr dm.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 18:07:42

Good idea Salbertina, though I too am still early days, no contact with Dad or sister in over 6m, and happier for it.

Still feel like shit about it sometimes though. I guess it will take a while. The guilt comes in waves now.

Sticking with other like minded Mners will help.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Tue 01-Jan-13 18:21:29

Marking place

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Tue 01-Jan-13 18:26:57

Happy New Year stately-homers, what a good idea!

Positive note: was tying myself in knots about whether to go to toxic mother's 70th birthday dinner, having has bare minimum contact for about 12 years. Every so often I think all that stuff, aww but she is my mother etc etc. And I was dallying over this one, partly for the sake of my two lovely and long-suffering brothers who are both very much in contact.

Spoke to brother yesterday and he said he felt it wasn't worth it and that I shouldn't attend the dinner, then told me about some ridiculous text she sent to my other brother yesterday, and I thought....oh yes, nothing changes. I could shlep all the way to London in an effort to make her birthday celebrations happy and to give her what she wants, but really, what is the point? As we all know in my family, whatever you do for her is never enough and no good deed goes unpunished. She is still the same person and she still treats people, especially her children, like shit.

Sorry, if that doesn't sound very positive, but it is for me because now my stomach has untwisted itself, and I don't have to go. Thanks to my brother, who made it easy for me to get out of this, bless him. I have been feeling the pressure all through christmas of having to make this decision, and now I am released from the agony of it.


Looking forward to hearing more positives on this subject.


Shattereddreams Tue 01-Jan-13 18:53:27

Newbie to stately homes.
Thanks to badtoworse thread ^^ I realised today I have a family full of narcissists. Would that be narcissi ? Just trying to get my head around the word.

I will spend some time reading stately homes to catch up.
I stopped talking to my gran 12 years ago she's dead now anyway
I try not to see my father more than twice a year
I avoid my sister like the plague. This is the hardest thing for me.

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 19:14:02

Fab idea!!

I had 18 months of Psychodynamic tberapy. Released a lot of err..something..replaced with a more self assured me, more OK with me.

Best mo.ey I ever spent.

Stil got a way to go but people go see somebody. No more wasted time fretti.g over abusers..

SoleSource Tue 01-Jan-13 19:15:26

Mine was emotional and REENTLESSverbal abuse from Father and Mother didn't and emotionally unavailable.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 01-Jan-13 19:27:49

Can someone explain to me the origin of the stately homes thread. Ive never been sure. Thank you.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 19:58:02

Basically, as I understand it, it was our parents protestations that they can't possibly have abused us, they took us to stately homes as children fgs...

Shattereddreams Tue 01-Jan-13 20:26:13

This is taken from badtoworse thread. Not sure what its from. Let me know those who know.

This is my sister to a t. And my mother is an enabler.

She didn’t do anything. She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. You’ve hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

narcissistic mothers often play the martyr this may take the form of wrenching, self-pitying dramas which she carefully produces, and in which she is the star performer. Except she has to be the absolute centre of attention. At all times usually propped up with alcohol.

She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage,

She’s infantile and petty. Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don’t love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted. If you hurt her feelings she will aggressively whine to you that you’ll be sorry when she’s dead that you didn’t treat her better.

and this especially is my sister
She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: “I’m sorry you felt that I humiliated you” “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad” “If I did that it was wrong” “I’m sorry, but I there’s nothing I can do about it” “I’m sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re so over-sensitive” “I’m sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad.” The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.

badtoworse Tue 01-Jan-13 20:46:52

I posted it shattered will look later and post a link to the site as I'm on my phone now. The freaky thing for me was the typical phrases it mentions, which are things my mother says exactly...word for word. shock

financialwizard Tue 01-Jan-13 20:52:49

Moving forward I am keeping as far away from my Mum as possible. My husband is supporting me which helps no end.

badtoworse Tue 01-Jan-13 21:30:56

Shattered it's from the site.

CreepyLittleBat Tue 01-Jan-13 21:37:25

I have resolved this year to try and stop the intrusive thoughts which mean I am always worrying about my parents contacting me, or having mental arguments with them even when I haven't seen them for weeks. As someone sagely pointed out on one of my panicky threads, they can only shout at me if I answer the phone; they can only make a scene in my house if I let them in. Every time I think of them, I am going to try and replace the thought with a song from Les Mis/mental picture of my baby or something!

kennyp Tue 01-Jan-13 21:43:18

It's tsken me nearly 10 years to totally clear my mother from my mind. Hve had lots of good therapy and am back on anti depressants again. It seems to have taken forever but i feel better and not beaten by her anymore (verbal, emotional and physical abuse from her and my younger brother)

Onwards and upwards with some blips on the way but onwards and upwardssmile

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 01-Jan-13 21:59:09

Ah thank you for that clarification Happy. I did go to a lot of stately homes when i was younger.

CreepyLittleBat Tue 01-Jan-13 22:02:17

I love the thread name. In my childhood house it was "but you always had WHITE chicken. Some mothers only give their kids BROWN chicken." But the same kind of deranged thing.

Theveryhungrymuma Thu 03-Jan-13 21:53:04

This was my first nc Christmas. Have been nc with ds and dm since September 2012. Have been to Gp and am have been referred to a counselling service which I am waiting for my first appointment. Have read toxic parents. Dh very supportive and on side, after not really understanding or seeing what was going on. Bring on 2013, the year I will not be scapegoated or bullied any more! grin

BunFagFreddie Thu 03-Jan-13 23:26:26

I would like to join this thread please. I know my family is dysfunctional, but I've never suffered physical or sexual abuse. I had a very unhappy childhood, but since I found out that my parents kept my dad's bipolar a secret, I have been able to forgive them and understand why things were so weird. I've also read about scapegoats in dysfunctional families and realised that was me!

As my parents now live abroad, I actuallt get on with them better. Does this mean that I imagined things being dysfunctional. I've always been told that I've imagined things because I'm mentally ill - I have a diagnosis of bipolar.

I'd like to discuss things with other people hear to get more of an understanding about this dyfunctional family malarkay.

badtoworse Fri 04-Jan-13 06:38:42

Freddie I don't think I ever suffered EA either (although maybe there were some things that could be classed as such) and certainly not physical abuse...just always had some WEIRD dynamics. I was golden child and my DB the scapegoat and I have an engulfing mother with quite a few narcissitic/histrionic traits. very manipulative. Have ended up living with her and am trying to extricate myself atm. It's hard to know what was EA really...I find that hard to unravel and I've forgotten a lot of it...or sort of blocked it out.

Theveryhungrymuma Sun 06-Jan-13 00:15:30

Freddie I am in no way medically trained, but I doubt your feelings are down to your Mh diagnosis. I think that n people are a bit like chameleons and adapt to the situation, you say you live abroad? Well maybe they realise if they carry in treating you poorly then their supply will dry up, ie you don't have to bother with them as you are far away,so won't if they upset you, so they have to play a game a bit, hope that makes some sense? They can seem nice one min, it's to keep you on your toes, disorientate you from the truth of the situation. Forgive me if I'm way off the mark, just how my experience was when I started withdrawing contact.

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