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Big row - perspective required

(86 Posts)
NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 12:51:28

DH and I had a big row last and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Friends round, iPod was on and good friend of ours said to my DH "oi Jim your music is shit". This is an absolutely standard exchange between the two of them and something of a running joke.

DH got in a strop, grabbed his iPod and retreated to kitchen with a mate where he proceeded to bitch about situ whilst rest of us were left without music on having just been dancing. Bit awkward. Friend realised DH was pissed off with her, words exchanged and she left.

I'm furious that DH ruined a lovely evening that I (and the friend concerned) had put loads of effort into. When I said same to DH he complained that she had ruined the play list he'd created. Cue angry exchange between us about him being precious about playlist and valuing that above a what had been a lovely evening with friends and him saying I was BU to not stand up for him confused

Neither of us speaking today. Happy fucking NY!

NotThoughtOfMy2013NNyet Sat 05-Jan-13 09:08:35

Ooops. Ask for your posts to be deleted?

If he routinely (every four months) seems to have resentment towards you (you not standing up for him which seems to me to be the cause of the escalation of the tantrum etc) then there might be something bubbling under the surface?

You obviously think his drinking is out of control but both of your reactions exacerbate it. If he's out with friends and you're not there are there any incidents?

SaraBellumHertz Sat 05-Jan-13 08:39:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 05-Jan-13 08:37:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotThoughtOfMy2013NNyet Fri 04-Jan-13 20:36:31

This thread is interesting as NewYearsWoes you do seem entirely innocent but it's rarely so black and white. Is there any back story to why he appears to dislike you? Alcohol has a way of bringing subconscious resentment to the surface.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 04-Jan-13 18:02:58

In response to original post, you are right, he's being a child, the phrase that comes to my mind is 'do you want to be right, or do you want to have friends?'. Sometimes we have to choose. So, his taste in music may be 'better' but pushing that point at the expense of the social occasion of which music was only an incidental, contributing part is a classic category error.

Having read the thread, good news that he's looking for the cause of his jumbled priorities, I hope it works.

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 18:00:04

lola to clarify when I said a massive overreaction I meant it would seem so to effectively cancel our social life. I don't think I overreacted to his behaviour at the party.

I think he will try not to drink again. Laying it on the table here his mother was an alcoholic and I think he despised that side of her. However the life she led is very different to the one we do.

I think he believed that because he was sipping Chablis with his seafood dinner rather than consuming half a bottle of supermarket vodka he wasn't a problem drinker. He appears to have admitted he is

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:55:25

X posts there.

joblot that is exactly why I was so upset - relatively speaking he had done very little in terms of prep and then he was moaning about a bloody playlist.

Bottom line is things are unequal in terms of those sorts of domestic arrangements, but he works FT and longer hours, my work is PT and flexible so that I guess is how it goes. There is no point me stamping my feet and demanding he take a day off for party prep co it won't happen.

I think he/we are going with the no alcohol vision. I believe he wants not to drink, I have no idea how hard that reality will be.

AF I don't think you're being mean - I just need a practical way forward.

lolaflores Fri 04-Jan-13 17:54:17

Outcomes NYW's. It is all about outcomes.
You need an outcome for yourself when this occurs again.

In all honesty, is he never going to allow a drink to pass his lips again?

He needs a bit more insight into his behaviour, a little more honesty and humility.

Overreaction? You were embarrased, ashamed and angry with him. But it would seem because every said it was lovely, then its OK. Any chance they were embarrased for you and didn't say anything?

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:48:46

And thank you newyearetsgo smile

DH is currently resolute that he will not be drinking at all in the future. He has been on a health kick recently and is running quite seriously so no drinking will tie in with that. He appears to recognise that he uses alcohol as something of a crutch and wants to stop doing so.

I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do - it would be ridiculous to walk out when he is demonstrating a desire to change and equally I don't want to curtail our joint social life because i) I enjoy it most of the time and ii) well it just seems a massive overreaction.

lolaflores Fri 04-Jan-13 17:48:25

Glad it worked out OP, but don't ever forget how hurt you were and never for a moment think it won't happen again. Just have a plan ready for the next time and try not to be too surprised.
The man has form for it.
How many expensive gifts will it take in 10 years time?
Put the foot down now honey

joblot Fri 04-Jan-13 17:46:33

I'd be pissed off if my p only made a playlist. Sounds idle and unequal

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:45:07 you believe he is going to stop drinking ?

Numberlock Fri 04-Jan-13 17:44:15

He needs to mean it when he says he's going to stop drinking and stick to it... That would be the only way for me.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:42:39

You could try letsgoforit's suggestion

do you think he would listen though ?

you would have to have pinpoint timing because the "whisper in the ear" a drink too late is going to provoke a "fuck off and stop controlling me" response, leading to another ruined social occasion for you

I know you think I am being mean. Maybe I am. But I had a father like your husband who ruined just about every nice time we should have ever had as a family. I never dared invite school friends back because I was ashamed of him. I didn't go on sleepovers because I knew I couldn't reciprocate. It's a shit way to live.

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:36:03

So what would you suggest AF?

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 17:32:53

Monthly card games/drinks evening ?

I expect his "twattery" to increase ooh about fourfold then sad

newyearletsgoforit Fri 04-Jan-13 17:24:23

This sounds really positive and lets face it, no-ones perfect.

I suggest you have a keyword or phrase just in case the Arselike behaviour starts up at any other gathering where he is drinking, perhaps "Your doing it" in his ear to make him realise he's about to start being a knob.

Agree the phrase beforehand and that it's his trigger to stop what he's about to do. Saves face at the party, stops him making a fool of himself and means you have a good night with no hassles the next day.

Worth a try?

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 15:01:51

A few more details: no drugs involved and yes he has behaved like this before. There is a definite correlation between him drinking and behaving like a twat. Not every time by any stretch but I'd say there is an incident like this every four months or so. Always when we're in a group situ. 

In terms of an update we had a long chat on NY day evening - he claimed that he hadn't spoken to me because he didn't know what to say, and was in his words "ashamed", so instead had just got on with the day (entertaining DC, a couple of DIY chores etc) I got quite cross  and said that was a really crappy excuse for continuing to behave like a twat.

We had a long and very frank conversation about our relationship during which he acknowledged that he was aware that if he behaved like this again I would leave.  He was apologetic (had already apologised to friend by text - as had she in return) and said he recognises he is an idiot when he's drunk and is going to stop drinking.

On Wednesday he came home with a very expensive (and much coveted on my part) gift. He said he'd ordered it before Christmas but I'm not convinced that it wasn't simply a peace offering. Either way it was a nice gesture although I suspect this information will provoke suggestions that he is trying to make me STFU

Yesterday we had a lovely family day out and he made a real effort. We talked as a family about plans for the coming year - what we want to do/achieve  and where we want to go. All quite positive and rounded off by a family game of cluedo grin

In fairness I can't fault him the vast majority of the time, but having done this a number of times before I find that I can't isolate the crappy behaviour when drunk and it impinges on how I feel day to day.

One positive is that one of the couples from the party sent a group email saying that they'd had a lovely time with us all and suggested a regular monthly card/games/drinks evening so it hopefully wasn't as painfully embarrassing as I have imagined it.

MumVsKids Thu 03-Jan-13 19:45:00

Tbh having read the whole thread, it does sound rather childish sad

And until you said you were 30 something professionals, I assumed you were teenagers, like AF suggested.

Keep on giving each other the silent treatment, it'll make for one of the happiest New Years you've ever had. Or not.

DH and I had a massive row yesterday about me being shouty and nasty with the DCs. I stormed out, went to fetch more milk and calm down. I came back it started again, i ended up in tears and feeling really hurt. Didn't help that I was/am feeling really poorly with cold and ear infection.

However, today is another day. I got up with a fresh head this morning, apologised to DH and he did the same, having been up ALL NIGHT with our 8mo ds, in order to give me a break.

This is what adults do. And believe me I have the potential to give the silent treatment for weeks days.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 03-Jan-13 19:25:27

My vote is COMPLETE NOBBER. Some women will defend a man's right to behave like this with their last breath, however.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Thu 03-Jan-13 19:19:59

grin @ Annie's twat radar

Mine is twitching too - private words to his wife about how she should dance, getting arsey about a long running joke with a friend, stropping off with the music and causing a massive, embarrassing scene that made all his guests feel AWKWAARD, giving his wife the cold shoulder the following day for not defending him when he was behaving like a massive arse...

AppearingDignified Thu 03-Jan-13 18:15:12

How's your relationship otherwise? Do you row often?

Back2Two Thu 03-Jan-13 16:38:30

Is there an update on this thread?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 02-Jan-13 17:11:31

Have to say my twat radar is twitching too. (If that doesn't evoke too disturbing an image.)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 02-Jan-13 16:52:12

Twats can also act like twats without any chemical assistance whatsoever

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