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Big row - perspective required

(86 Posts)
NewYearWoes Tue 01-Jan-13 12:51:28

DH and I had a big row last and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Friends round, iPod was on and good friend of ours said to my DH "oi Jim your music is shit". This is an absolutely standard exchange between the two of them and something of a running joke.

DH got in a strop, grabbed his iPod and retreated to kitchen with a mate where he proceeded to bitch about situ whilst rest of us were left without music on having just been dancing. Bit awkward. Friend realised DH was pissed off with her, words exchanged and she left.

I'm furious that DH ruined a lovely evening that I (and the friend concerned) had put loads of effort into. When I said same to DH he complained that she had ruined the play list he'd created. Cue angry exchange between us about him being precious about playlist and valuing that above a what had been a lovely evening with friends and him saying I was BU to not stand up for him confused

Neither of us speaking today. Happy fucking NY!

joblot Fri 04-Jan-13 17:46:33

I'd be pissed off if my p only made a playlist. Sounds idle and unequal

lolaflores Fri 04-Jan-13 17:48:25

Glad it worked out OP, but don't ever forget how hurt you were and never for a moment think it won't happen again. Just have a plan ready for the next time and try not to be too surprised.
The man has form for it.
How many expensive gifts will it take in 10 years time?
Put the foot down now honey

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:48:46

And thank you newyearetsgo smile

DH is currently resolute that he will not be drinking at all in the future. He has been on a health kick recently and is running quite seriously so no drinking will tie in with that. He appears to recognise that he uses alcohol as something of a crutch and wants to stop doing so.

I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do - it would be ridiculous to walk out when he is demonstrating a desire to change and equally I don't want to curtail our joint social life because i) I enjoy it most of the time and ii) well it just seems a massive overreaction.

lolaflores Fri 04-Jan-13 17:54:17

Outcomes NYW's. It is all about outcomes.
You need an outcome for yourself when this occurs again.

In all honesty, is he never going to allow a drink to pass his lips again?

He needs a bit more insight into his behaviour, a little more honesty and humility.

Overreaction? You were embarrased, ashamed and angry with him. But it would seem because every said it was lovely, then its OK. Any chance they were embarrased for you and didn't say anything?

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:55:25

X posts there.

joblot that is exactly why I was so upset - relatively speaking he had done very little in terms of prep and then he was moaning about a bloody playlist.

Bottom line is things are unequal in terms of those sorts of domestic arrangements, but he works FT and longer hours, my work is PT and flexible so that I guess is how it goes. There is no point me stamping my feet and demanding he take a day off for party prep co it won't happen.

I think he/we are going with the no alcohol vision. I believe he wants not to drink, I have no idea how hard that reality will be.

AF I don't think you're being mean - I just need a practical way forward.

NewYearWoes Fri 04-Jan-13 18:00:04

lola to clarify when I said a massive overreaction I meant it would seem so to effectively cancel our social life. I don't think I overreacted to his behaviour at the party.

I think he will try not to drink again. Laying it on the table here his mother was an alcoholic and I think he despised that side of her. However the life she led is very different to the one we do.

I think he believed that because he was sipping Chablis with his seafood dinner rather than consuming half a bottle of supermarket vodka he wasn't a problem drinker. He appears to have admitted he is

lottiegarbanzo Fri 04-Jan-13 18:02:58

In response to original post, you are right, he's being a child, the phrase that comes to my mind is 'do you want to be right, or do you want to have friends?'. Sometimes we have to choose. So, his taste in music may be 'better' but pushing that point at the expense of the social occasion of which music was only an incidental, contributing part is a classic category error.

Having read the thread, good news that he's looking for the cause of his jumbled priorities, I hope it works.

NotThoughtOfMy2013NNyet Fri 04-Jan-13 20:36:31

This thread is interesting as NewYearsWoes you do seem entirely innocent but it's rarely so black and white. Is there any back story to why he appears to dislike you? Alcohol has a way of bringing subconscious resentment to the surface.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 05-Jan-13 08:37:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 05-Jan-13 08:39:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotThoughtOfMy2013NNyet Sat 05-Jan-13 09:08:35

Ooops. Ask for your posts to be deleted?

If he routinely (every four months) seems to have resentment towards you (you not standing up for him which seems to me to be the cause of the escalation of the tantrum etc) then there might be something bubbling under the surface?

You obviously think his drinking is out of control but both of your reactions exacerbate it. If he's out with friends and you're not there are there any incidents?

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