Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So he has finally gone...

(44 Posts)
Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 11:50:37

I have finally told boyfriend of 9 months that it's over. Happy new year eh?

Its not been great for, well most of the time we have been together, I rushed into it too soon after splitting with husband, and him the same. We were a crutch for each other when we had no one else, but I know that I put up with too much because of this.

He was always late, every single time we arranged to meet/him to come over. He is in major financial difficulties due to overspending in th past so I have paid for stuff, more than I could afford, more than I should have done. His ex is still in his life, it felt she was always waiting in the wings.. Ringing and texting 5+ times a day. He would turn up here 3 or 4 times a week, I'd cook a meal, he'd watch tv or play on his phone.. I think on 9 months he did the dishes 3 times maybe?

Then of course there was the incident. He got drunk, we had a row, he punished a hole in my wall and drove off. Still I didn't have the balls to say to him enough is enough. I have cried more this christmas than I have in the past 10 years, because of him, but also because of what I have allowed myself to come. It was my birthday a few days ago.. He ruined it, but still I asked him to come over last night, thinking that maybe we could spend the night together, that it would be nice. He was late, I bought the take away, he drank 2 bottles of wine and was on his fone.

He's checked my emails, he has threatened to "do in" my ex husband (who I have a good relationship with), he has stopped me from going out for tea with a work colleague, kicked off because I didn't tell him that the venue (a local pub) that my work Xmas do was at had hotel rooms... Even though I only went for 1 drink and left. He made me change my phone number because I had 3 texts from a very casual ex asking how I was... Despite me not replying to them.

I needed to get rid of him didn't I? Why do I feel so sad? Ds is with his dad for a few days and I just feel so lonely.

Sorry for the list and the ramble. I just needed to write it all down.

Littlechangeforthis Tue 01-Jan-13 13:51:29


I appear to have done 3 laps of lake.

Feel cold but great.

Now... Chicken pot pie or chicken nachos for dinner? Have meringue drying out in oven and some berries also.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:52:18


What kind of muppet gets told it's over, and then has to ask Is It OVER?

What is WORSE.... "Are you SURE?"

Like you are too dumb to have agonised over it already, and that the words just popped out, unconsidered?

You have a list as long as your arm of reasons why the guy needed to be dumped, real strong, deal breaker reasons, when really even if you just didn't want to go out with him again, that'd be enough.

You have the right to end any relationship you want to, whenever you want to and for whatever reason.

He has to respect that or the term for it is Harassment. A criminal offence.

Do NOT respond.

I had an idiot do this to me for a while, after only a month of seeing him. He had health problems and texted me HELP. (note use of capital letters, and addressing text to me, rather than the easier way of just hitting 9 and 9 and 9 and send on his mobile... hmm

I called the police, gave them his details to have him checked out, as I couldn't leave sleeping 6yo, nor bundle him in the car for 40m journey to someone I didn't want him meeting.

When the eejit continued to call/text me, I called 101 and reported his turning up at my house (never been invited) and leaving a note on my car. Police contacted him and he backed off.

Your guy will not go quietly, so don't be polite and spare his feelings, use a sledge hammer to crack this nut, go in hard, and get someone ELSE to do it for you. Get this shit logged, in case he escalates.

Not trying to scare you, but you have to get this nipped in the bud now. Don't waste a single day thinking about a nice way to do this. No More Nice. OK?

pictish Tue 01-Jan-13 13:52:53

Chicken pot pie. Ot nachos. Both are good comfort foods. Have both! grin

fluffiphlox Tue 01-Jan-13 13:58:36

This 'man' has no redeeming features, from what you say. Why would anyone be sorry to see the back of him? Have a cup of tea and watch a film. Spend some time enjoying your own company. That has to be better than saddling yourself with such an obvious no-hoper. How the heck did you manage 9 months of this charmless git? Don't shed any tears. Goodbye and good riddance.

Loonytoonie Tue 01-Jan-13 14:00:50

Dont know you OP but I'm very proud of you. You've shown such strength. You may wobble in the next few days but keep reading and posting on this thread.

You can do it!

Allergictoironing Tue 01-Jan-13 14:10:05

I assume you are rejecting all his calls? Just don't bother to answer any of his texts either.

ladyWordy Tue 01-Jan-13 14:19:34

Well done Littlechange, and well said, thoughtful posters above.

Please heed Hissy's words. She knows what she's talking about. Do not be nice, do not be gentle. You must indeed cut contact: this is more important than it looks. If you relent, your problems will start to multiply.

The only reason he is seeing his ex is so he can get things from her ... Sex, money, place to stay... And so he can keep messing with her head. This is what he wants to do to you too. And any other vulnerable woman he can find.

So please, stay determined, and keep pointing forward. Congratulations again on breaking free. thanks

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Tue 01-Jan-13 14:28:24

do yourself a favour and change your number again. That way he cant contact you.
You will feel better very soon. You have had some great advice, keep strong and dont let this eejit anywhere near you or your DS.

Littlechangeforthis Wed 02-Jan-13 11:35:57

Got suckered in again yesterday. All the "I love you" "I can change" "I want to be with you" "I know I am in the wrong" etc etc and then I realise that he had actually spent the afternoon with his ex, all the while he was messaging me.

When will I learn eh?

17 missed calls and about 20 messages last night before he eventually took the hint.

Hurting. Feel like I am back to square 1 through my own stupidity.

PureQuintessence Wed 02-Jan-13 11:45:38

only you can break that cycle. Sometimes it takes a while to learn, but you will get there.

Even the writing on the wall can be difficult to decipher ...

Good Luck. smile

JaxTellerIsMyFriend Wed 02-Jan-13 11:49:16

he is playing a game with you, only you can finish this sick game. sad

meddie Wed 02-Jan-13 11:52:29

we all make mistakes, a long as you learn from it. Hold on to how it made you feel when you relented, so that next time he tries, remember how it didn't help and use that to give you the strength to ignore.

Littlechangeforthis Wed 02-Jan-13 11:55:45

I know.

I am so cross with myself. Yesterday I was feeling ok, and here I am again.

I know it's a game. He only wants me when I don't want him, it's like some sick game of cat and mouse. I have told him again that it is over. That I am not interested... He then rings me and says "if you want to be civil to me later then you can call me"... Ffs I don't want to be civil to you, I dont want to call you.

JustFabulous Wed 02-Jan-13 12:00:48

Block his number.
Reject his calls.
Change your number.

You have options.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 02-Jan-13 12:10:53

How extremely kind of him to invite you to call him. Really gracious. Whose number do you call him on for this pleasant chat, his or his alleged ex's?

Thinks: "if you want to be civil" in this context meaning "if you want to grovel and beg him to come back". Funny dictionary this guy uses.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Jan-13 12:28:01

Just stop communicating. No texts, calls, mails... don't pick up the phone if it's his number in the window. He's an aggressive creep and whatever you say or write, he's going to use it to taunt you. If he keeps pestering you, call the police.

Littlechangeforthis Wed 02-Jan-13 12:36:47

You are right.

I don't need this.

Wasted too much time and too many tears on him already. The ironic thing is that to everyone else I am this confident capable woman with a good job, nice home, Independent and sorted. And then there is this. I feel like a feckless teenager. I know that this in an abusive relationship. And I hate myself for putting up with it.

When he punched the wall he had been drinking.. He got in his car and drove away so I called the police. Fortunately he had the sense to abandon car around the corner and walk home, so by the te they caught up with him he passed a breathalyser. What a knob

StuffezLaBouche Wed 02-Jan-13 12:44:23

When he punched the wall he had been drinking.. He got in his car and drove away so I called the police. Fortunately he had the sense to abandon car around the corner and walk home, so by the te they caught up with him he passed a breathalyser. What a knob
This alone indicates someone who a normal, intelligent, person such as yourself should have nothing to do with. FFS, not going to go on a drink driving rant but GRRRR!!!!

Anyway, well done for leaving him. Fuckwits like him HAVE to be getting some form of female attention, so of course he will be spending time with the ex, as you've found out. You're sad because you know you've compromised your standards to such a level... but I swear, once the anger passes and he really is completely out of your life, you will feel so much better.

Oh and have something up your sleeve along the lines of "I am keeping all your unsolicited messages and will not hesitate to report you if this continues. I have made it clear I want nothing to do with you and I don't want to know you." But actually, you're much better of ignoring.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Wed 02-Jan-13 12:51:59

Yes, please dont respond to any communication. Reread your original post and think to yourself what you would be saying to a stranger saying that to you...

You can do this. You really don't need this man in your life.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now