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Help Overcoming Evil

(24 Posts)
overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 01:50:46

I am a good person, kind to others, do my best in life. Came out of a v abusive marriage 4yrs ago. Have had yrs & yrs of counselling & put my life back together. Nearly two yrs ago I met a man online.

We clicked, he was lovely. Time moved on, he was great with my dc's, my family loved him & his family loved me. We moved in together & he was committed to getting married etc. He didn't have dc's so we spoke about having a dc together.

I became pg three mts ago. He was thrilled, excited etc until two days later he threw a strop over nothing really & left. He moved back into his own house which was still empty as it was just sold. I did everything to put things right but I couldn't reach him & he seemed entrenched in destroying everything. His family couldn't get him to talk either. I thought maybe it was a wobble to do with his house being sold & him losing a considerable amount of money in the process.

I tried to contacted him several times the night before xmas eve to tell him I had just started to bleed & was afraid I was going to lose the baby. He never replied. It was touch & go for awhile but eventually it was confirmed baby had died three days ago. Had sent more messages in between but again no response.

Discovered last night that in the days I was bleeding & trying to contact him he had gone back on line & was messaging loads of women.

How does someone do this to another human being? How can someone shut down like this overnight? Our lives were completely entertwined. How does someone lay next to you everynight & tell you how much they love you etc & then do this? How when he had no children of his own & apparantly really wanted one could he do this when I was pg? Most importantly how do I ever learn to trust my own judgement again, remember I've already done the counselling to death & this one looked like the real deal?

scarletforyaOfficialXmasGRINCH Tue 01-Jan-13 01:58:47

I don't know the answer OP, it's not your fault you met this person. You did nothing wrong. I'm so very sorry about the baby. sad

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 02:17:15

Thank you Scarlet. I do feel someway at fault in that I picked this person & brought him into my life. I just can't believe he could do this. I often felt he was a bit childish & could be a bit selfish but I thought these were things we'd work on in the relationship, I'm not perfect either. But I would NEVER have thought him capable of this!

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 02:19:02

Worse, I still have the baby inside of me & sac is continuing to grow so unless I miscarry naturally I will have to go in for a D & C to have it removed. And all this time he's just messaging other women.

DrRanj Tue 01-Jan-13 02:22:07

Your post nearly made me weep . Hoe truly awful for you. I have nothing else to say, but you have had a lucky escape from this man. I am deeply saddened for your loss. But I have not doubt that you will meet the man of your dreams on day soon. Do you have lots of rl support to help you with your loss? X

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 02:25:17

I'm so sorry. Some people are just callous and emotionally cold - it's nothing that you've done wrong and nothing you can change.

It's hard when you're a good person, and cannot possibly imagine acting in a way like this man has done, to understand why he is doing it. There is no explanation - it's faults in him, not you.

Probably not very useful advice, but hugs and I'm sorry that you're going through what you are xx

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 02:29:09

Thank you DrRanj your kind message has made me cry again too. I am trying to count my blessings atm, I have three adorable dc's & I have a beautiful home. I am doing a degree in counselling & will get fantastic support there when I go back next week. I know I will be ok but I just feel broken atm. I am v independent & strong & not sure I will ever want another man after this tbh.

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 02:31:06

Thanks Faff. I know he must be deeply damaged to have done this but I still come back to the fact that I didn't see this in him at all.

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 02:44:11

That's probably the deepest most hurtful shock tbh - a person that you thought you knew acting in such a cold callous way to the point that you don't recognise them. It makes you wonder if you really knew them at all and makes you question your own judgement and ask if they really did love you.

I can't imagine ever acting like he has done to someone I love/loved and nor can you. The point is some people do act like that - I've no idea why, but it's issues within themselves not issues with you. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with I know xx

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 02:55:41

Hi Faff & thx again. I have come to realise that he probably loved me as much as he is capable of loving anyone & sadly that is not at all. In a way, despite all the pain, I feel glad I got pg & that it blew this relationship out of the water & exposed what lay deep within him. Otherwise we would have continued on, possibly for years & this would ultimately have come out in some way or other & was always going to cause me a world of pain.

FaffTastic Tue 01-Jan-13 02:58:32

It not exactly a bright side but yes, it is so much better that his true colours were exposed now rather than years down the line - it's heartbreaking but could've been 10 times more destructive if it happened later rather than sooner x

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 13:44:59

Shameless Bump!

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 14:17:40

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My love you have dodged a bullet with this man and you can see that, in time the hurt will heal, in time you will recover.

We're here for you, whatever you need, you just say, OK?

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 15:06:57

Thanks Hissy. Don't know what I want or need tbh. I'm just lost in grief atm. A wk ago I probably still thought he was having some sort of emotional breakdown & that we would somehow work it out. A wk later baby is gone & I've seen that me & my dc's were nothing to him.

I do know I've had a lucky escape but it's still so hard to accept that he was capable of this.

On the day I found out that the baby had died I text him to collect all of his stuff that he'd left. He was so detached emotionally & seemed to have no comprehension or understanding of what he had done. He just said "sur it wasn't working out". I felt he was glad the baby had died. Now I know he was as that probably gave him his freedom to persue finding another woman.

I think he is just looking for a woman to mother him/fix him & he knew he wasn't going to get that with me.

What I'm really struggling with is how he was able to shut down his love overnight. How he was able to have absolutely no regard for my wellbeing even though I was carrying his child.

I've feel I've gone full circle in a wk. I went from praying to god the baby would be ok to now feeling relieved in a way despite the horrific loss.

mrsmindcontrol Tue 01-Jan-13 17:32:21

What a horrible tale. Especially as I'm with a man I met online, have 3 existing DCs & am contemplating a baby with new man.
You have every ounce of my sympathy. As long as I live, I will never understand some people but do believe that he has, as many others seem able to, constructed himself a world in which he is able to justify his behaviour. I think it's a form of mental illness.
Hug your DCs close & best wishes for 2013 my love xxx

MatureUniStudent Tue 01-Jan-13 17:40:07

On a practical note - and my heart aches for your loss, it took me sometime to loose my baby - I wanted to do it naturally (it was labour - be warned) and was about 20 weeks but the baby hadn't grown (no heart beat at 12 weeks). Took a week of labour (the early stages so quite doable).

I was told a D&C but I was insistant I let nature take its course. It worked for me as I was able to grieve for my little lost one. So be prepared, it can take a while before the body it out... sad

MatureUniStudent Tue 01-Jan-13 17:40:46

sigh - body works it out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 18:37:12

Sorry you've had such a harrowing experience and such shoddy treatment. I found this article recently entitled Are You Dating An Abuser and it's worth a read. There's an interesting section near the end on something he calls 'Multiple Victimisation'... ending up in multiple bad relationships.. that might speak to you. Reproducing a section...

If you've experienced multiple-victimization, please understand this: The problem is not that you attract only resentful, angry, or abusive suitors; it's that, by and large, you have not been receptive to the gentler, more respectful men you also attract. This is not due to your temperament or personality; it's a normal defensive reaction. After you've been hurt, of course you'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognize and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that you work with someone who's attracted to you. But he senses that you're uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give you time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romantic friendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat you will either not recognize your barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit on you, until he breaks down the protective walls that surround your hungry heart.

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 20:37:29

Thanks Mrs, I am sure my situation is pretty unique & that it will all work out ok for you. Yes, I think you are right that he has justified this in some way to himself & that probably does indicate some personality disordered traits. Wishing you the best of luck in the future with your own relationship & with extending your family.

Mature, god your story sounds harrrowing & horrific too. I am also really sorry to hear of your loss. Do you mean that you waited a full eight wks to miscarry naturally? I was hoping to do it naturally too but not sure I could wait another seven wks for that to happen.

Thanks Cognito. I have already read that piece before & did question it. I don't think it's a case of multiple victimization. I had a v disfunctional childhood & think it was inevitable that I was going to reproduce that to some extent in my adult life as I had no healthy role models for normal behaviour or boundaries etc. I've spent 15yrs now trying to undo the earlier damage that was done & have come a long long way. I am v independent, strong, self sufficient etc but at the other side I think because of my own journey I can be too understanding of others that were also damaged in childhood (exp had a v damaging childhood & so did xh). I think I projected some of my own stuff on to xp & therefore thought he was more similiar to me then he actually was with regard to personality, morals, values etc.

MatureUniStudent Tue 01-Jan-13 20:46:13

I did wait that long, but it wasn't harrowing - it just was. If that makes sense. And I was glad I was able to loose my baby myself - close the circle in a woo sense and I am the least woo person. It gave me time to come to terms with it - I guess it worked for me. But yes, the body can (different I am sure in all people) take a while.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 20:55:22

Sadly I am not sure your question can be answered. Had a very similar experience a few years back. What made it worse was that my daughter had leukaemia at the time and my beloved little cat had cancer so I was generally in bits anyway. Together two years. He simply withdrew himself from the life we shared. By text. No warning. I made him come round and face me. It was pathetic. I was pathetic. But you what.... I was ok in the end. I am so sorry you have had to face such a dreadful time.

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 21:23:48

Hi again Mature, I have to be reassessed on the 11th so will see what if anything has happened by then & also what they recommend. I would definately prefer to go the natural route if possible but hadn't considered that it could take that long! You sharing your experience has given me another option to consider though & I really appreciate that. X

God Absolute I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through, it must have been so horrific at the time. It's unbelieveable that people can be so cold hearted & cause so much harm, ending it by text when you were going through all that!! It is good to hear you are ok now though. It doesn't sound like you were pathetic, far from it if you coped with all of that at such a vulnerable time in your life. Wishing you every happiness in life. X

Absoluteeightiesgirl Tue 01-Jan-13 21:36:25

Oh trust me I was pathetic. Am ashamed to say I held onto his leg in desperation when he turned to leave blush I cringe when I remember. He offered no reason for his behaviour.... Said it wasn't working blah blah blah and this came the same day he was telling me how much he loved me when I spoke to him in the morning. We were planning what we were going to do that day as my daughter had just come out of hospital after a two week stint. Don't torture yourself trying to work out why he has done this. It will grind you down and achieve nothing. Hang in there sweetie.... I promise you will be ok.

overcomingevil Tue 01-Jan-13 22:36:04

Absolute I still think it was him that was pathetic, you were obviously very vulnerable what with trying to cope with your daughter's illness on top of everything else. Sounds like you had a lucky escape too though. X

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