DP doesn't climax during sex

[chewingguminmyhair]

Name changer. Not a troll.

Title says it all really. Well, most of it.

DP and I have a regular but quiet sex life. Regular in that we do it every two weeks or so. His labido is lower than mine but my advances don't go unnoticed, so I'm happy in that respect. Rest of relationship good. Been together three yrs, health ok, could lose a few pounds. In our 20s. When we first met he said I was the first person he had ever ejaculated during sex with but he had only had a couple of sexual partners before that.

Until a few months ago we were using condoms but stopped in a lazy attempt to TTC. Not sure if it's related but over the last month or so he has stopped climaxing when we have sex. I'd really like to step up the TTC but with no ejaculation it will have to be an immaculate conception.

Hand job earlier this week was good and he, um, enjoyed himself. Sex yesterday was less fruitful - seemed To go a bit soft as soon as my pants came off.

I've talked to him and he says nothing is wrong. He said he would have liked more foreplay yesterday but that's it. Anyone got any experience of this? Would really like to sort it out and make sure he is having a good time!

[chewingguminmyhair]

God that's long. Sorry!

[NewYearNewNagoo]

Is he afraid to TTC? The hand job makes me think that.

Is he on ADs? That can stop orgasm.

Are you doing it with the lights on?

[chewingguminmyhair]

Don't think he is afraid to TTC - I'm much more scared/anxious than him!!

No ADs (anti depressants??).

Lights on, yes. I know I'm fatter than I used to be. Maybe I should turn them off

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

He's not committed to TTC... regardless of what he says. No coincidence in the timing, therefore.

[chewingguminmyhair]

Hm, we have spoken at length about TTC and I haven't seen any red flags. I have also asked him outright if he is perhaps worried about that and so is not coming and he says no.

(I have also been pregnant before, miscarriage).

But is it a subconscious thing? Do men go at it thinking, 'Yes I'm going to come! Let's get pregnant!'

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Actions speak louder than words. Sex has a big mechanical element but a lot of it is mental. Something is causing him to be inhibited and not wanting a baby... or not wanting the pain of another miscarriage... would certainly be enough to douse him with psychological cold water.

The test would be to go back to using contraception. My guess is that his problem would miraculously disappear.

[chewingguminmyhair]

OK thanks Cog.

[LadyKinbote]

I agree - take the pressure off. Tell him it doesn't bother you whether he ejaculates or not, so he doesn't feel he's letting you down. And when things are back to normal just occasionally 'forget' the condom without it being a big deal.

[IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou]

Performance anxiety? It counts now as you are TTC.

Before he was with you, when her was not ejaculating with other partners, did he ejaculate when he was practising on his own? Did he always ejaculate with you during vaginal sex before now? I'm wondering if he's not that into it. I could live without penetrative sex tbh, so long as something was happening with fingers and tongues.

(It's the virgin birth btw, immaculate conception is a different thing. Sorry, I'm Catholic and a pedant.)

[OComeAllYeFaithBaby]

We had this. I found it hard not to think it was me! Eventually investigations showed he had an underlying health problem causing the erection problems and also a low sperm count (his testosterone was low). Health problem treated, issues resolved. I'm now pregnant :) it's worth encouraging him to see his GP about this.

[chewingguminmyhair]

Thank you all. Very helpful and a few useful reminders.

And thanks for the correction Ithink!

[chewingguminmyhair]

Sorry, I didn't answer your Qs Ithink.

When we first got together he said he hadn't come through sex with other women before- he guessed this was because he wasn't as comfortable with them as he was with me. (The first night we were together was literally the first night he had ever orgasmed with a woman. No reason to not believe him)

I don't think he is that fussed. Low libido.

When I talked to him earlier about it and whether he is worried about TTC he said,'it feels different without a condom. Not sure I'm used to it. And I need more lube'. He insists he is not worried about TTC but I appreciate the points about it 'counting' now and the subconscious pressure.

Gosh Mumsnet is great. Wouldn't discuss this sigh friends

[OComeAllYeFaithBaby]

Re lube - are you using sperm friendly lube?

[chewingguminmyhair]

OCome - is there such a thing? Short answer: no!

[OComeAllYeFaithBaby]

Yes - if you look at standard lubes like Durex they do state they may slow swimmers down. Lube choices when TTC are conceive plus or pre-seed. If he says he 'needs' the lube, I reckon you'd be better off with the conceive plus because you can use it on both of you, whereas the pre-seed you insert in anticipation of sex.

One other option to take the pressure off is to get him to self-pleasure into a pot, then mix it with lube and insert it. Make sure he then gives you a good time as this is meant to help with conception! This can work and make it easier for you both. Believe me, I speak from experience! :)

[chewingguminmyhair]

I have Googled and will get some tomorrow!

(Would get it today but ships all closed dammit)

[chewingguminmyhair]

I did look at the condom from the hand job (actually, maybe really does prefer them?!) and felt a bit Liz Jones eyeing it up!!

[chewingguminmyhair]

I'm obsessed with getting preg in January too which doesn't help (new year, new start, autumn baby yadda yadda). Need to not worry about that I know.

[chewingguminmyhair]

Had some success today!

[LadyKinbote]

[OComeAllYeFaithBaby]

Great news!