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so sick of my perfect husband(28 Posts)
My husband works full time and earns fairly good money. He's never off sick, is a fantastic dad who's always there for our kids. He's tidy,never raises his voice,can do anything around the house(diy),doesn't drink much,doesn't smoke,is generous without being stupid with money, brings me flowers and tells me he loves me.
ON THE OTHER HAND...! He doesn't talk to me. Ever. About anything. He has no friends. He criticizes me constantly. He can't seem to speak without saying something subtly nasty. For example, just said I'd like to do another academic course (I have a few and enjoy learning). His response is to shake his head, roll his eyes (which he does a lot) and tell me not to be stupid as I clearly can't cope with what I have on my plate already! WTF? I work P/T and run a small business which I feel I do successfully.
Over the holidays I have dared to have a long lie (around 9am ish). The kids are old enough to entertain themselves for a bit so don't feel it's a big deal. He doesn't do long lies and shakes his head and tuts at me for doing so. He says I'm lazy (even though I do ALL the cooking and most of the housework). He never compliments me on anything or tell me I look nice.
I feel so fed up with him but the kids adore him and I feel like I don't have a valid reason to split (being single doesn't scare me at all but upsetting the kids does).
Do you think I just don't appreciate all the good things he does and am being ungrateful?
My DH is a bit like this except without the EA / criticism side of things. Annoying in its own way (he's a fucking saint and sometimes it gets on my nerves) but a very different picture from the one you are painting.
OP, this is classic emotional abuse - and yes we all started by adoring each other. Until we experienced the real
bastard person under the facade.
You need to educate yourself pronto about EA. Try the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why Does He Do That?' - I promise it'll be an eye opener and you'll realise it's not you it's him.
Couple counselling is definitely not recommended with ea partners (they use it to abuse you further and often manipulate the counsellor to make it worse, who are surprisingly quite often completely untrained in EA).
Counsellng on your own will be very good for clearing your thoughts and deciding on what to do for the future.
Try to relax and get as much time away from him as possible in the meantime.
Tell him. He might not even know he's being so hostile. People can get into a rut or bad habit of behaviour and be unaware of how it affects others, especially if it was a normal way to react when he was younger.
Have an adult conversation with him. Ask why he thinks you aren't coping and say why you think you are. Ask why he tuts at the occasional lie in. Don't get into the trap of behaving like the petulant child in the relationship: he doesn't let me...
He works hard for your family, he adores your children, he tells you he loves you. Things worth holding onto. If he really does love you, he needs to listen to how his behaviour affects you and be more supportive of your plans.
Are you supportive of his plans and dreams? Might he be jealous of you doing academic courses while he's out at work all day and DIY-ing at home. Does he need you to tell him to lighten up and relax more himself?
Do have to say, though, from his point of view, it cant be at all nice being in a house and relationship with someone, knowing you are only there because of the kids.
That must hurt like crazy.
Also, he must think, what is the point in trying to improve the relationship.
Do you think he is lazy.
Sometimes people say things about someone else, so that they manage to hide it is actually themselves that has that exact problem.
In fact, think about everything he accuse you of. Is it him that is actually that, and not you?
Like I say... until you start seeing yourself as worthwhile and stop going on about your body or how you're not perfect etc then nothing will change. Spending an evening in a separate room is not 'me time' btw, it's solitary confinement. How often do you get out of the house, socialising with your friends or pursuing a hobby without either him or the kids in tow? Actually being 'you' in other words...
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange - I don't really see him as a major control freak just a nit picker and moaner I s'pose. Physical side almost non existent but I'm not happy with my body also. I hate the thought of my kids not being around me.
amillionyears - we spend evenings in separate rooms doing our own thing so we both have 'me time' He's been critical for a long time and I think I was trying to get through to him how bad things had got by saying that iyswim? We used to adore each other (when we were first married).
He sounds like my H. Perfect with the kids , OK with the house work (all though I wonder if he knew what a paint brush looks like!). But he is a bit of an idiot when it comes to me.
I have had 10 years of him wearing me down to the point of not knowing who I am anymore and with very little confidence.
I would strongly recommend counselling. I had my first session today and feel far more confident in my decision to call it a day.
I am also worried about the effect the split will be on my dd, but the therapist reminded me that kids adapt and to make a big thing about having 2 houses, bedrooms, etc. What would be worse is a miserable mum who cannot engage in their lives because she has lost the will.
Can you talk to anyone about how your feeling?
You need to ask yourself (as I have done over the past few months) do you love him and can you see yourself with him in another year or three?
Sounds like my estranged husband. Not perfect at all, except in his own mind. Being 'Mr Perfect' is just another way of undermining you anyway. Having a lie-in until 9am doesn't mean you are lazy.
He obviously dominates the household (as my dh did) and has little life outside it. How claustrophobic and stifling for you. It doesn't make him a perfect husband at all, it makes him an unsociable control freak.
You don't mention a physical relationship. Do you have one? Not being prurient I hope. We no longer did. What about a social life? Or does he make you feel your cooking is crap if people come round or that you behave inappropriately when you are out (mine did).
He's made you feel so inadequate you don't realise that it is not you with the problems it's him.
I didn't realise my husband was EA either, not until I came on here. It was a real eye-opener.
So you drink too much. Well I did this too. And I forgive myself for it. It wasn't the solution but it made me feel better at the time.
We are now separated and I feel like I'm on holiday. It's horrible when the kids aren't here though. If you think you can remedy things with counselling I urge you to, because separation is horrible.
But whatever, please stop beating yourself up and thinking these problems are because you aren't as 'perfect' as him. That's bollocks.
I think it is you saying he is so useless.
Has he been treating you nastily since you said you would have him back, but only for the kids?
Something isnt sitting right with this.
Dont know what.
What does he say about the situation.
And you didnt answer about how many hours he has for himself.
What Cogit said.
EA men (and women) use all the nice "stuff" they do as a means to get away with all their shit. It's crazy making behaviour, comes in many forms and strengths, is designed to confuse and disarm their victims, and it is all wrong.
He's not perfect - he's a long way from it.
Well he sounds far from perfect if he criticizes you a lot. You are certainly not lazy if you run a small business and work part time. Is he stressed at work. You say you aren't happy. Do you think you could be happy to stay together if things changed. It is certainly worth giving counselling a go I think.
When you let the kids talk you round to letting this man back in your life, he simply picked up where he left off... if anything, emboldened by the fact that even when he treats you like shit there are no consequences to his actions. Two weeks of lipservice and then same old, same old. So you're in an even weaker position than you were before.
Overweight, moody and drinking too much probably means you are depressed. I don't understand why you downplay him as 'useless' and think he's worthy of pity when all he's doing is making you physically and mentally ill. Are you worth so little in your own eyes that this is acceptable?
Not loving him is all the reason you need to split.
And you don't do you?
No more than I would, if he was my husband.
"is he really EA? or just a bit of an arsehole???? as people can be...."
Using this Womens Aid article reproduced below I think the OP's problems tick several of the boxes.
Most domestic violence includes emotional abuse, which can include such tactics such as:
- destructive criticism, name calling, sulking
- pressure tactics
- lying to you, or to your friends and family about you
- persistently putting you down in front of other people
- never listening or responding when you talk
- isolating you from friends and family, monitoring your phone calls, emails, texts and letters
- checking up on you, following you, not letting you go out alone.
impact of emotional abuse may be even more devastating than physical assault - and have much longer term effects - yet most of the above behaviours are not crimes, and it's therefore much more difficult to obtain protection, or even to get others to take them seriously.
Whether you call it Emotional Abuse, emotional or psychological bullying or simply 'being an arsehole' or 'challenging behaviour' the long-term net effect is to make the person on the receiving end miserable, anxious and lacking in self-confidence. Valid reasons to call it a day.
thanks everyone. you're all saying what I deep down know. I excuse it by saying to myself 'well no-ones perfect' and I certainly am not. I'm moody, I drink too much, I've put on loads of weight. Yeah, I know kinda obvious signs I'm not happy... Asked him to leave last year but the kids were just missing him so much so within a week I asked him back and made it clear I didn't want him but I know the kids did. (they didn't know we were apart just that dad was working late) He made a big effort for about 2 weeks then that was that! I feel a bit sorry for him in a way cos he's so useless
Hmmm...I second the advice about counselling...
Maybe he does it without realising the impact it has on you? He sounds like an irritating git, but perhaps you have characteristics/behaviour that irritate him as well?
It sounds like neither one of you really loves the other, and are just going through the motions. Happens a lot, and maybe you need to make an attempt to reconnect? No need to jump to divorce yet.
Well he isn't a perfect husband at all, is he? He belittles you and criticises you constantly.
I'd be sick of him too.
No, you're not being unappreciative and no, you're not ungrateful.
I think you need to tell him straight. That you have had enough and you are close to leaving. He sounds a pain in the arse.
is he really EA? or just a bit of an arsehole???? as people can be....
I hate the way people leap to demonise
OP, I can see how hard it it. He clearly does not make you happy. And yet, we all know that a marriage break can fuck up the kids
if you want to do something, maybe explore having some counselling for you, and really think about what you want, as if you do end marriage it will help if you have the courage of your convictions
" tells me he loves me."
And once again 'I love you' is the biggest lie going when in the mouth of an abusive man. Actions speak louder than words.
" I feel like I don't have a valid reason to split"
You'll never have that valid reason if you don't believe that you are a valuable person in your own right, worthy of happiness, respect and affection. In the meantime...
#1 Valid reason. He is an emotional abuser that has utterly destroyed your confidence and makes your life miserable
#2 Valid reason. You are modelling a very unhealthy relationship in front of your children and that will be damaging them psychologically and affecting their adult relationships in turn
But, as I say, if you're holding out for a black eye or proof of another woman and don't think your own well-being is important enough to start a divorce... you will never do anything about this.
A fantastic Dad would not undermine, belittle and emotionally abuse the mother of his children.
Living in a hostile atmosphere is an extremely valid reason to end a relationship.
Your children will thrive knowing their mother is happy.
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