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MNetters please drag me to the finishing line!

(7 Posts)
dippyDoohdah Mon 31-Dec-12 12:03:03

I have posted on Mnet several times in the last year re: emotionally abusive marriage. Married 5 years, supported him with immigration issues since were together, have 2 dc's aged 3 and 5. STBXH is middle eastern. We have v different values re: disciplining children, but I do not feel i met the real him until we were married and Ds 1 was born. STBXH struggled with my PND and basically revived his love affair with weed as his way of coping with me and baby. Things got a little better and DC2 conceived. Pregnancy was query downs syndrome but baby was born ok..pregnancy stressful as husband seemed to withdraw and started going out more, angrier arguments, him going off for several days, more weed, some gambling, punched walls, smashed phones,..he was threatening to divorce me as soon as ds2 was born..just as my waters started to break. Me and ds2 nearly died during child birth 9in hospital). STBXH left us soon again when ds2 was 2 weeks old..but came back 5 days later.

Since then, we muddled through for first 9 months but have hardly lived together in last 3 years. We fundamentally disagree on discipline - he has been very harsh with the boys and even now, with little time spent with them, can dissolve them quickly to tears. Does not see my protests of his treatment of them as valid. If you met him, you would meet an attractive, charismatic, charmer/people pleaser. I have come to know a confusing, resentful, sometimes punitive, angry man. He can be great and has been again over festive period, where I have been ill and he has helped out..I know he thinks we can just pick up where we left off, and I briefly conned myself that we could, , but its just not good enough is it? He hates all my (nice and supportive) friends, does not seem to recognise the value of the stressful support job I have and holds up every mistake I have made above the next, so its like there is a brick wall of my failings getting ever higher. I am, to him, either the evil witch who has wrecked his life, or the wonderful wife that he adores. There is no middle ground. I have had bouts of stress and depression with him. I have seen him in dreadful, scary road rage incidents and has told me stories where he has deeply punished some women who wronged him in his home country.

This is my 2nd marriage. I was married earlier, to a lovely man, by the time we married we were more like siblings and i was too immature to stick around to work at it. But I have really worked at this marriage - if I had put a tenth of this effort into the first marriage, I probably would have had a very different life. I do not regret my lovely sons, but I regret their Dad..because I still feel a pull to him, though most of me distrusts and resents him, disbelieves him. I just want you all to shout at me, or tell me your stories of life beyond divorcing a difficult partner. I'm nearly there, but I need some nudging to the finish line..decree absolute could be weeks away..Thanks.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 12:07:41

I think you would definitely be better getting the hell out of this marriage. He sounds quite frightening.

issey6cats Mon 31-Dec-12 12:12:27

write down on a piece of paper his good points on one side and his bad points on the other side and from what you have posted his bad side will be longer, tear the paper in half put the bad side on your fridge door and every time you feel a wobble about having another go at your relationship with him read that list and stay strong, my ex cheated on me three times and by the third time i had given up trying to make anything work, 14 months later i am still in love with him, wish i had the old person back, but he is living with the womean he left me for , has a different life, and i have to get on with my life as it is

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 31-Dec-12 12:13:45

Every time you allow this man back into your life & your head you're effectively saying 'go ahead, treat me like shit, I don't matter at all'. You are stressed and depressed and the cause is staring you in the face. Life as a independent woman and a single parent is occasionally challenging, often rewarding, sometimes surprising, sometimes upsetting .... I know because that's been my life for the last 12 years. However, even in my darkest, lowest, grimmest moments of being a lone parent I can 100% cast-iron guarantee that NO-ONE has ever gambled my money, insulted or belittled me, frightened my child or punched holes in my house. If they did I'd be on the phone to the police, not dithering.

Get yourself out before he kills you or the kids. <push>

Lueji Mon 31-Dec-12 12:19:48

You working at this marriage is like putting more money into a failing business.
It's not going to get better.
It may pick up a little for Christmas and the occasional busy period, but you know it will just keep on losing money.

dippyDoohdah Tue 01-Jan-13 20:45:58

thanks..need to maintain my momentum, I don't want crumbs of crap! why does he think I am stupid,I really am not!

LalaDipsey Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:27

Luegi that's a fantastic analogy!
Dippy stay focussed. You know you're doing the right thing. Keep strong. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM.

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