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H has been having an affair since July ..

(198 Posts)
crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 06:52:36

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 18:33:55

Send the signal that everything is not 'on hold' waiting for his return.

crazygracieuk Sat 05-Jan-13 01:11:28

I'm not expecting him to set foot in there ever again so he'll only hear about it from the kids [evil]

crazygracieuk Sat 05-Jan-13 19:47:16

I have ordered a Tax Credit Claim Form, council tax discount and once the Tax Credit claim is sorted, free school meals. Child Benefit is going into my account and I will call all utilities on Monday.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 05-Jan-13 20:27:20

Go girl! You are doing bloody marvellous! xx

mistressmiggins Sat 05-Jan-13 21:38:10

Hi crazy
I was in your position over 7 yrs ago.
It does get better.
Mumsnet helped me a lot in the first few months so post away x

A good piece of advice I ahve lived by is to always make decisions with your DCs in mind. When they are 18 you want to be able to say "I did my best for you". This sometimes means upsetting ex by your decisions and sometime you i might not like it but know its right.

I sent an email to OW week after I kicked exH into touch telling her she had no self worth sleeping ith my husband knowing he was sleeping with me...this caused trouble cos clearly he had told her our love life was dead. I never told his work even though they were work colleagues as he might have lost his job and affected me.

Stay strong; get legal advice; show you are strong even if you cry every time you shut the door.
PM me if you want.

vole3 Sun 06-Jan-13 06:31:14

Be prepared for hassle with BT if you're with them.
You can only change the account name to yours and keep the same number in the case of bereavement (oh to be so fortunate).

The alternative is to get H to set a date to end the account, you get a credit check and set the same date to start a new account and if you're lucky you will get your number reassigned to you.........

No problems with any of the others

crazygracieuk Sun 06-Jan-13 10:36:54

H wants to talk later. He says that he doesn't want a divorce. This is a emotional blackmailing trick right?

Yesterday I did loads of paperwork stuff,organised lots of social activities, bagged his shit and got tester pots in B&Q. I was feeling great while doing it but now I feel wobbly.

I have cried rivers and am quite excited about my future. Why is he screwing with my head? I feel pissed off. Is this the grovelling stage? Yesterday he was adamant that divorce was a good thing and that I was a crap wife blah blah blah... He's not on drugs. So this must be some sort of plan to head fuck me right?

I thought the anger in me had subsided but now it's started again. Why can't he just be a good Dad, pay maintenance and be civil? He's fucked me over badly, why won't he stop? Surely I have suffered enough.

Posterofapombear Sun 06-Jan-13 10:55:52

You don't have to talk to him. When he treated you like he did he forfeited all right to demand conversations. It doesn't really matter what he wants does it?

Just say no.

sayithowitis Sun 06-Jan-13 10:58:37

It's all about him, isn't it? He WANTS to talk, he DOESN'T WANT a divorce, he WANTED to have an affair. I think now should be about what YOU want.
Do you want to talk later? You can choose. And if you don't, well, that's that. He no longer gets to call the shots.

Thisisaeuphemism Sun 06-Jan-13 11:01:46

God he sounds awful and all over the place. I would avoid. Is he coming for the dc? Can someone else do the handover?

What's there to talk about? Does he need more of your old sex toys? I would be very angry.

Xales Sun 06-Jan-13 11:03:59

As Poster & sayit say.

You are no longer in a relationship with this man.

You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to.

Just because he doesn't want a divorce doesn't mean that you cannot divorce him if you want.

He was happy to have a bit on the side and lie to you for months.

What he wants is not important.

What you want is. If you don't know don't talk to him until your head is clear.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 06-Jan-13 11:12:09

Agree with poster - he ended your relationship.

That was his choice, and he can't take it back just because he's changed his mind.

Don't talk to him today, you obviously don't feel up to it.

crazygracieuk Sun 06-Jan-13 11:47:04

I am intrigued by why he's doing this. After him being a fuckwit I am quite happy to hear him grovel/apologise then laugh about it later

I think that the kids and I have a better life now he's gone. He's making a effort with them and I have started creating projects for me to do like what to replace my car with, redecorating and finding more freelance work. I will be without a man but happy with my vibrator

His future is going to be crappier. He gets to see the kids more which is positive but his on-off relationship with ow is probably under loads of stress as he's calling/texting visiting me rather than her.

I wonder if he realises that I am now far stronger than he will ever be again. Curious...

I am happy to be divorcing him. I cry, can't sleep or eat sometimes but I have a great life now and in the future.

crazygracieuk Sun 06-Jan-13 11:49:24

Thank you for the warnings. You are telling me what I want to hear. Red flags everywhere!!!

I want to get through this situation quickly and as painlessly as I can so will be talking to him later but not taking him back or anything like that. He's fucked me over too many times.

Doha Sun 06-Jan-13 13:29:11

Stay strong Gracie be prepared for the tears the threats the emotional blackmail etc.
You have rediscovered yourself in a very short space of time and have an exciting future ahead for both you and the DC's

Hear him out, don't comment until the end, then tell him to fuck off to his 50shades of shite life-you don't want him.

Then l would text OW tell him that he has been around pleading to come back and that you don't want him. Will she be happy knowing she will always be his default option his second choice !!!!

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 06-Jan-13 14:02:58

He is still following the script.

Fuckwit just wants to have his cake and eat it - but hard cold reality is hitting him and he is realising what he is losing.

He will try and come back with his tail between his legs and say it was you he wanted after all now that OW has got cold feet hmm

Never mind that he fucked you over, lost your trust and destroyed his family.

Remind him that it was HIS choice to have an affair and ask for a divorce and now its up to YOU to decide what you want.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 06-Jan-13 14:05:26

Be prepared for the snivelling and whining.

And for the "mental breakdown" and for him to look unkempt with a hangdog expression.

captainmummy Sun 06-Jan-13 16:17:09

he doesn't want a divorce? Not up to him is it? He has no grounds to divorce you. You, on the other hand, can divorce him in a minute.

You are so strong now grin and have a great future.

BerylStreep Mon 07-Jan-13 16:28:08

Gracie, chin up. Don't listen to his shite.

vole3 Mon 07-Jan-13 18:34:02

Hope you managed to achieve what you wanted today.
Sending you hugs {{{{}}}}

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Tue 08-Jan-13 19:58:15

Hey Gracie, how are you doing? Hope you're ok and still feeling strong.

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Thu 10-Jan-13 15:05:09

Gracie, just wanted to let you know that we are still here to listen to you. Don't feel bad if you've decided to forgive him you can still come back here and talk things judgey pants!

Hope you are ok anyhow.

crazygracieuk Fri 11-Jan-13 20:43:44

Sorry for being away.

We're still getting divorced. I feel better about the future as I realise that he's a total twat but he's continuing to play mind games.

On Wed we went to a Relate session which was pretty pointless (but he's paying so not my loss) Weirdly he wants to continue going.

We own our house and have agreed to sell up and love to 2 different rented places. Benefits are so complicated!

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Fri 11-Jan-13 21:54:02

Gosh don't you've had life changing things to sort out.

You sound pretty strong and determined.

I would continue to go to the relate sessions. You don't have to go with him. He could pay for you to go alone if you need some space to sort your head out. Or you could use the sessions for a neutral place to organize the split and how you will manage the future?

We're you working Gracie? Can you support yourself?

crazygracieuk Sat 12-Jan-13 12:45:52

I am going to need help from benefits but as long as that goes smoothly we should be ok.

The process is so confusing! I can't move out until I get benefits and h can't move out until the house is sold so not sure if I've got to wait until we are divorced?! Hm..

I'm not as strong as I sound and could really do with shoulders to cry on. I feel really low but I have to keep a happy face on for the kids. I am amazed at the number of people who have replied to my thread. It has made me feel a little better to know that I have support and can survive.

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