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H has been having an affair since July ..

(198 Posts)
crazygracieuk Mon 31-Dec-12 06:52:36

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 11:07:46

I don't think that I could tell the teachers in person without crying. Is a letter ok? Should I ask the kids to give to their class teachers?

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 11:13:46

When do your dc's go back to school, next week?? You may feel a bit stronger by then....I cried when I told the preschool teacher many moons ago, especially as the cheque my xh gave me to pay for it had bounced...I was mortified...but she was lovely about it all..

We are all don't feel embarrassed if you shed a tear.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Tue 01-Jan-13 11:22:27

Ignore his sodding birthday.

I has nothing to do with you any more.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 11:22:45


Off to do some food shopping. This morning I've been keeping busy by doing housework and chores.

They are back on Monday. I am dreading the small talk about Christmas because mine obviously sucked. Will be armed with some mundane one-liners like how good the food was or how the kids liked their pressies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 11:28:47

Rather than avoiding it completely, why not be honest and tell (carefully selected) others, including the teacher, something nearer the truth? A lot of the stress of DV is the feeling that it is shameful and has to be kept secret. That's a huge burden to bear and only works in the favour of the abuser. Another big misconception is that others won't understand. It's alarmingly common for women to meet at least one nasty piece of work in their romantic career and, if you tell someone that you've been harassed by an aggressive ex and that it took the shine off the holidays, chances are they'll be sympathetic. If you've still decided not to take it further with the police, you can't afford to isolate yourself through secrecy

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 11:31:46

Sorry..... wrong thread.... blush... ignore me.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 12:12:22

I wondered what you were talking about!

Doha Tue 01-Jan-13 13:10:12

Think l would print off a copy of the emails and put in a card from the DC's......and fuck all else.

Make him realise he has screwed up their lives just as much as yours and you are left to pick up the pieces. (which you are doing so well)

Is the OW going to leave her DH.

Keep your chin up Gracie you are going so well. 2013 will be full of much better things for you

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:13:08

I wondered if the other DH knows about it all too...

arthriticfingers Tue 01-Jan-13 13:22:02

You can't make anyone realize anything.
Please OP just kick the tosser out and then take all the time you need to make considered decisions that are in in your long term interests and those of the children.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 01-Jan-13 13:49:16

Do ignore his birthday. Cards from dc is fine. He will be getting plenty of presents from the ow.

Doha Tue 01-Jan-13 13:55:50

Perhaps if you had read the thread arthriticfingers you would realise that Gracie has already thrown the tosser out hmm

olgaga Tue 01-Jan-13 14:27:42

Sorry you're going through this. You'll find some good information and links here. Get informed, it'll make you feel stronger and more in control.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 15:24:12

He saw the dc today. He was full of tears about how he's realised how much he's screwed up. Don't worry above sent him away to wherever.

I have booked the sexual health clinic and some counselling. I want to move on. Ideally forgive and forget but just the latter would be good. smile

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 16:38:57

He tried to make me feel sorry for him but Im confident that I don't want him to live here. Is this a classic tactic? I don't trust him so it was quite easy to quash that idea but Im worried that I could cave in.

I've asked him not to contact me until tomorrow. Talking to him is draining and I want to focus on the present and future. I'd like the past to stay in 2012.

Ebayaholic Tue 01-Jan-13 18:50:16

Stay strong Gracie and re-read all of your posts above or the copy emails again as these will remind you how badly you have been treated. He is not the person you thought he was and can never be again. Please listen to your head only on this.

AfishhCalledElvira Tue 01-Jan-13 19:02:55

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet but this book is a godsend. It will speak your language and very helpful at this difficult time. Sorry this is happening to you.

Sorry I'm crap at doing links!

BerylStreep Tue 01-Jan-13 19:12:11

What's there to talk about?

Discussions about DC, maintenance etc can be had at a later date. At the moment he needs to leave you the fuck alone to sort out your feelings.

I am not too impressed at his crying act in front of your DC - he shouldn't be involving them and it's damaging. It's lovely for you that your 11 year old has been supportive to you, but remember he is a child, and the knowledge of what is going on in your adult relationships is a lot of responsibility to place on his shoulders. I say this as someone whose parents split up when I was 11, and I was privy to much more information about the break-up than was healthy for me.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 01-Jan-13 19:15:34

Yes its a classic tactic when they realise they have massively fucked up, and that the grass isn't in fact greener. A lot of the crying bullshit comes from the fear of everyone finding out what he did, and how bad he is going to look.

Also add the fact that his 'bit shag' is going to be giving him earache about the fact that people are going to find out and view her as the home-wrecker she is.

Stay strong. 2013 is bound to be better. If he can cheat on you for 6months and not seem regretful until now, then he could easily do it again.

You and your family will be better off without him in your home.

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 20:00:10

Stay strong, don't get into lengthy conversations with him at the moment.

crazygracieuk Tue 01-Jan-13 22:28:36

He didn't cry in front of the kids. He cried while packing some stuff.

Ds1 had a panic attack tonight. I've calmed him down and looked after him today as he's definitely been quite down. I'm fucking fuming with h now.

My wedding ring is off and I've started making longer term plans.

TurnipCake Tue 01-Jan-13 22:39:30

You sound very strong, OP, what a difficult time for you all, but I am sure things will get so much better for you.

(And fuck right off to her for calling you, as someone who was cheated on, the sheer gall of these people never fails to amaze me - in my case, ex got OW to drop some items off at my house, it's a good thing I didn't go to the door)

crazygracieuk Wed 02-Jan-13 01:56:08

Thanks everyone.

I was reminiscing about the good times but read their emails to give myself a reality check. I genuinely feel that I will be fine without him but Im worried about the kids- especially my oldest who had a panic attack tonight.

I sorted out birthday cards and let the kids wrap his presents. As they are old enough to know his birthday, I think it's best to let them give him a card and pressie each. Doing nothing is tempting but Ai don't want them to feel embarrassed and put them in the middle. If I didn't buy they'd use their own money anyway. The cards are not fancy- they are generic spares that I have for emergencies.

I wish I could just sleep now. I average 3 hours a night these days where ad I usually get 8 or 9. My head was whirring with thoughts and I wish I could just sleep.

I made another discovery today. Ow has our sex toys and h told her they were brand new!! How gross is that!? I'd love to see her face when she found that out but she still doesn't know- lol.

BerylStreep Wed 02-Jan-13 08:48:09


That your H could think that it is acceptable to share sex toys must surely cement in your head that he is a complete twunt.

You will get through this, but it will take time. In terms of your DC, I think you need to try to reassure them as much as possible that even though things will be a bit different, it will all be ok. It is good that they are going back to school shortly, as it will give a bit of structure and distraction for them.

I personally don't think it is a good idea to make their e-mails public, but do hold on to them - you may need them down the line. I would also forward them to a trusted friend, put a print-out in an envelope and keep it elsewhere, or even set up a secret g-mail account and send them to yourself. You say he has been gas lighting you for the last 6 months - if that is his MO, you can be sure he will try to do it again once he has recovered from the initial shock at being found out.

I would suggest seeing a solicitor as soon as you can.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 02-Jan-13 10:07:20

Oh god, that is terrible. Not only a liar, a cheat but a cheapskate too. I think I would let ow know.

You do sound very strong. Your DS distress must be horrible - it is entirely of Hs making. Take care and do tell your friends- they will support you.

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