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My ex was controlling me and now he's controlling the kids...

(4 Posts)
Daisylynn Mon 31-Dec-12 02:32:10

I have been separated from my ex for 3 years. We have 3 children together; twin boys that are 19 and a daughter that is 17. We were common-law and everything was in his name. So after a short court battle, we were officially separated the first year and I have nothing after 18 years together. He has the family home, the vehicles, all the toys, etc. This could be a very long story and feel free to ask for more details. My ex has a business which he is quite successful with and one of our sons works for him. Both our sons live with their girlfriends (parents) and our daughter lives with my ex. Over the years the kids have gone back and forth but my daughter has remained in the family home. My ex has provided the kids with vehicles, cell phones, loans, and he has a huge shop where they can all go to hang out with their friends. I live in an apartment and I have a small income. Most of my money goes to just paying my bills and getting by. So now you have some background...
My ex has never gotten over the fact that I left him and he is very angry still and holds a lot of resentment towards me. He doesn't have any trouble voicing this to our kids and anyone that'll listen. My kids are now being controlled by him. If they come to see me, they have to hear about it when they go see him or for my daughter when she goes home. It's gotten so bad that now I never see them. If I do have plans with them he somehow manipulates them into not doing it or in my daughters case he threatens to take material Things away from her like her car which he just did the other day. The boys are now lying to me about spending time with him to spare my feelings. I don't know what to do. I don't speak to him (court ordered) and he would be impossible anyway since this is what he wants but I constantly try to spend time with the kids and I'm constantly disappointed but know they are with him all the time. They constantly complain about things he does and discuss it with me and I just listen. Can you please help? I'm at my wits end... I'm about to move away so that I don't have to witness this anymore because my heart is broken... I love my kids more than anything and I don't want them to stop seeing him but I don't want them to be controlled any longer... What can I do??

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 03:30:47

There's absolutely nothing you can do, honey, except sit patiently with your hands folded in your lap waiting for him to drop dead your dc to become self-sufficient financially and emotionally to a point where they have no need to seek crumbs from his table hand outs from him and can see him for the controlling and despicabe twunt he is.

Had you left him many years ago your dc may have stood some chance of growing up free of forced and false obligation to their father, but it's equally possible that the material goodies he's got on offer would have been sufficient to turn their heads as they reached their early teeens.

As it is, your post is a salutory warning of the dangers of staying in abusive relationships with twunts who are on a mission to control their nearest and dearest.

FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing in moving away and if you maintain letterbox contact with your dc I have no doubt that, in the fullness of time, they'll follow you.

Daisylynn Mon 31-Dec-12 03:47:58

Thank you izzyizin! It's nice to hear that people understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from. Sitting with my hands folded in my lap is hard for me as I miss my kids sooooo much but my hands are tied. It is without a doubt that if I had more money that I'd be the one they'd be visiting but I'm sure my ex would lose his mind!!! Being the control freak that he is. Losing control would destroy him... And I don't want my kids to be this way but at this point I don't know how to change this.
And you're right... I would love for this to be more than a warning but a huge red flag to those that are in abusive controlling relationships. Get out and do it early and take your kids with you!! I stayed thinking that if I waited till the kids were older that it would be easier for them. I was wrong. Another lesson, if you're not married; put something in your name. Common law means shit no matter how long you've been together if nothing is in your name and when you're with a control freak, you'll spend a fortune in legal fees to get anything!!
Thanks again...

izzyizin Mon 31-Dec-12 05:54:07

You're welcome, Daisy, and if it's any consolation to you, patience is a virtue that is much overlooked and I am firmly of the opinion that everything does, indeed, come to those that wait.

He'll get his one day and you'll have the last laugh - and I suspect that one of your dc will deliver the coup de grace that sends him out of his tiny mind.

Happy 2013, honey, and may it be a good one for you and yours.

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