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EXh is now blackmailing me, unless I hand him my Child Benefit

(79 Posts)
MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:09:05

Sorry its long, I guess I need to vent too...

I hope I can get some advice and support as I am at the end of my tether, I wish my exh would move on, and leave me alone, though I am resigning myself to the fact that he never will :-(

I received a text on Boxing day (probably to deliberately to upset me during the holidays, which it did) It said he didn't want his son dressing like the pauper of his school or begging for clothes?? This was directed at me yet I don't let my ds want for anything. And so I should hand over my Child Benefit to him as he would so a better job! Then on collecting my ds yesterday, he asked me if I had the relevant info ie. my CB number so he can contact HMRC to arrange the hand over my child benefit to him, he told me he doesn't want to contest it through HMRC as all payment would stop (I don't care) otherwise an enquiry will begin? I asked what he meant and he said he will report me to Social Services?? I know this is blackmail. I can't believe he is stooping so low after 6 years! I moved 6 months ago from a rented property into a lovely new home with my dp, things are good, my DS enjoys this home, gets on well with dp's ds from a previous marriage, I am a good mum. I think my exh still wants to control me and will go to any lengths to be a SOB and upset us all. I know him, I'm sure if it is not this, it will be something else

When I left exh almost 6 years ago, I had nothing, it took 12 months to get any money from our separation, I rented an unfurnished flat, I had no beds for my ds and I, not a chair to sit on, nothing. I earned 1/3 of his salary and I struggled to build a home for us. Yet he would turn to me and say I am not giving any money towards a school uniform, shoes, jacket, I am not paying towards his karate classes or school trips, or anything! - he would tell me - 'you can pay for it you get child benefit'. I bought it all myself even though exh benefitted from it.

He said to me yesterday, you didn't want for anything. I was actually treated like a door mat. I did everything, looking after ds, all driving, cooking (I actually had to wake him when dinner was ready), cleaning, shopping, ironing, clean car and servicing etc, I was miserable, I realised he was manipulative and controlling. I could give so many instances when he was just was horrible. And I would be divorced but just to sort the finances cost thousands because he would not agree to anything and because I was working freelance I got no Legal aid. I know it is all Control! He is still single btw.

I won't speak to him on the phone because he is just horrible. I allow text's only to arrange hand over of our DS who is now a teenager. Though his texts of late cause me to get upset.

Would you had over the CB? WWYD? As I said any advice would be gratefully received.

MrsMargoLeadbetter Sun 30-Dec-12 18:09:14

He doesn't sound like he has ever been reasonable....but is this related to the fact you have recently found happiness with your dp?

Has he paid all he should have based on Csa workings? If not perhaps a letter from solicitor saying that if he wishes to review finances including CB across the years you'd be open to that including any arrears etc.

Agree to a different drop off senario that protects you.

Hope you find a solution.

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 18:10:40

Xales - that is a good idea as I'm sure he has no idea of what things cost.
As we all know a pair of shoes and trainers and almost all the cb is gone.

Offred Sun 30-Dec-12 18:15:07

Hmm, I'd be extremely worried about him alienating you from ds if I were you. I think this should be the main worry actually. X should not be slagging you off to ds directly or indirectly.

I'm surprised no-one else has picked up on what seems the obvious indication he is being a shit; he claims you aren't caring for ds properly and he is going to phone social services unless you give him the child benefit so he isn't worried about ds at all is he? He just wants the money.

You need to get him out of your life completely, have a set contact arrangement, no communication from him, you need to involve outside agencies like the police to protect you from him and show ds this behaviour from him is not acceptable (otherwise he will think it is because you and his dad are behaving as it is). I think you are avoiding answering about CSA because he doesn't pay anything, you need to sort this out ASAP, open a claim with CSA for the money ds is entitled to, also you need to claim any tax credits you may be entitled to or he may try to claim them and claim he is the main carer to substantiate a claim to child benefit.

AmberLeaf Sun 30-Dec-12 18:17:42

^Amberleaf - I was wondering the same, will he try to claim other benefits.
If he has child benefit would this make him look like the main carer. I wonder if there is another agenda as well as bullying me^

Yes he would have to be named as the main carer in order to claim child benefit.

As it is not a huge amount for just one child, I do wonder if he has ideas about either claiming tax credits or something to do with your divorce settlement

AmberLeaf Sun 30-Dec-12 18:18:59

If he is down as the primary carer he wont have to pay child support will he? you will

Do not hand over the child benefit! he cant make you so dont worry.

Offred Sun 30-Dec-12 18:19:36

Otherwise you are colluding with x to raise ds to think x is what a father should be, he will emulate your relationship in his own life. The way to break the cycle of this is to firmly demonstrate when unreasonable behaviour is unreasonable. The best way of doing that is to use outside agencies to give credibility to your view that the behaviour is wrong.

Bossybritches22 Sun 30-Dec-12 18:22:16

Give hs details to the CSA

Ignore his texts, read laugh & move.them to a separate folder to keep as.evidence.

Get DS to arange access as &when he wants it - within acceptable limits that fit jnto.your family life .

Could Dp do the drop off for a.bit?

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 18:25:07

Offred - I did ask re tax credits and he said he's not entitled. It does seem all about money :-( and no I dont claim any payments from him.

Amberleaf - as I was writing I was thinking about our divorce, there may be more to this. I think I need to speak to my solicitor. So if he got CB he would be seen as main carer. This could be more than money. It wouldn't surprise me if he then tried to claim maintenance from me!!

AmberLeaf Sun 30-Dec-12 18:27:58

It wouldn't surprise me if he then tried to claim maintenance from me!!

Exactly that!

Yes, I think it would be wise to seek legal advice and hold on tightly to the child benefit.

He would absolutely be seen as the main carer if he was getting the child benefit, that is how main carer is defined.

fergoose Sun 30-Dec-12 18:28:36

why don't you claim any maintenance from him - it makes no sense?

Offred Sun 30-Dec-12 18:29:21

So he thinks he can claim the CHB and the try CSA from you. He may even be trying to build a case to have custody of ds which sounds like it would be a terrible idea if all he is bothered about is money.

Offred Sun 30-Dec-12 18:31:51

If you have child benefit and a CSA claim against him he will not be able to claim he is the main carer for either of those purposes or to keep hold of assets/take your assets from you that you and ds should be entitled to in the divorce.

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 18:32:11

Thank you, I will get an appointment my solicitor.

AmberLeaf Sun 30-Dec-12 18:35:46

Also start a claim through the CSA.

ItsaTIARA Sun 30-Dec-12 18:36:30

Offred is bang on. If he genuinely thought you were a bad carer to his son then a decent parent would do something about it (eg report to SS / fight for custody). "Feel free to carry on being a crap parent to my child as long as you pay me off" = truly dreadful human being.

Offred Sun 30-Dec-12 18:36:49

Please consider going to the police about this blackmail too. He is not the main carer and is trying to blackmail you into committing a fraud since he pays no maintenance and is not the main carer he is not entitled to the child benefit;

Offred Sun 30-Dec-12 18:39:26

If you are entitled to any tax credits I would advise claiming those too as it further records your position as the main carer and him as the non-resident. If he knows he is not entitled then he has checked this hasn't he?

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 18:42:57

I kept waking up at night and thinking what should I do...

If in doubt, do nothing... and post on mumsnet in the morning smile

Start counting the days down till you can divorce him online and, in the meantime, set the CSA on to the fucker - they're well versed in dealing with manipulative twunts.

fergoose Sun 30-Dec-12 18:48:04

please go to the csa - take back the control. This again will prove you are the main carer. I cannot understand how he can get away without paying a penny for his child plus try and blackmail you for your child benefit - I would also speak to the police about the blackmail, and Woman's Aid. They can point you in the direction of a decent solicitor who is well versed in abusive ex partners and their scams.

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 18:52:45

Stupid, stupid me - when I asked if he was having money problems he said 'it's not about the money' how did I miss that! < kicking myself > it may well be custody he's after. Yes and money!!

fergoose Sun 30-Dec-12 18:53:47

so you need to go to a solicitor and the csa - get it on record you are the primary carer.

your son won't want to go and live with him anyway - and no judge will make a teen go and live with a parent they do not want to live with

IDontDoIroning Sun 30-Dec-12 19:01:01

If he's so concerned about his clothing and he's not paying CSA then he should jolly well buy him a jacket and you should tell him so.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to gently tell your ds that his dad doesn't actually pay a penny towards his upkeep.

Don't hand over the CB I doubt he has genuine concerns about ds welfare as if he was a good dad he wold have paid something in CM for the years you have been separated.

He either has got money problems or has his eye on the fact it's a passport to other benefits or to enable him to go to the CSA on you.

MrsFlibble Sun 30-Dec-12 19:16:54

I'd claim CSA before he does, then its on file about when the last time he paid was and how often he has DS for overnight visits, then you have some proof over his non concern.

clam Sun 30-Dec-12 19:22:46

Why on earth aren't you pursuing him for maintenance? Report him to the CSA. Then you'll have a bit more cash to kit him out as your ex might like - not that that's got anything to do with it. He's clearly got another agenda.

financialwizard Sun 30-Dec-12 19:42:39

My exh was/is exactly like yours. My DS is also kitted out with what he needs, when he needs it.

For your sake you must go to the CSA as everyone else has suggested. It will secure your position.

By the way most judges do not like breaking the status quo with regards to children's residence unless absolutely necessary.

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