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EXh is now blackmailing me, unless I hand him my Child Benefit

(79 Posts)
MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:09:05

Sorry its long, I guess I need to vent too...

I hope I can get some advice and support as I am at the end of my tether, I wish my exh would move on, and leave me alone, though I am resigning myself to the fact that he never will :-(

I received a text on Boxing day (probably to deliberately to upset me during the holidays, which it did) It said he didn't want his son dressing like the pauper of his school or begging for clothes?? This was directed at me yet I don't let my ds want for anything. And so I should hand over my Child Benefit to him as he would so a better job! Then on collecting my ds yesterday, he asked me if I had the relevant info ie. my CB number so he can contact HMRC to arrange the hand over my child benefit to him, he told me he doesn't want to contest it through HMRC as all payment would stop (I don't care) otherwise an enquiry will begin? I asked what he meant and he said he will report me to Social Services?? I know this is blackmail. I can't believe he is stooping so low after 6 years! I moved 6 months ago from a rented property into a lovely new home with my dp, things are good, my DS enjoys this home, gets on well with dp's ds from a previous marriage, I am a good mum. I think my exh still wants to control me and will go to any lengths to be a SOB and upset us all. I know him, I'm sure if it is not this, it will be something else

When I left exh almost 6 years ago, I had nothing, it took 12 months to get any money from our separation, I rented an unfurnished flat, I had no beds for my ds and I, not a chair to sit on, nothing. I earned 1/3 of his salary and I struggled to build a home for us. Yet he would turn to me and say I am not giving any money towards a school uniform, shoes, jacket, I am not paying towards his karate classes or school trips, or anything! - he would tell me - 'you can pay for it you get child benefit'. I bought it all myself even though exh benefitted from it.

He said to me yesterday, you didn't want for anything. I was actually treated like a door mat. I did everything, looking after ds, all driving, cooking (I actually had to wake him when dinner was ready), cleaning, shopping, ironing, clean car and servicing etc, I was miserable, I realised he was manipulative and controlling. I could give so many instances when he was just was horrible. And I would be divorced but just to sort the finances cost thousands because he would not agree to anything and because I was working freelance I got no Legal aid. I know it is all Control! He is still single btw.

I won't speak to him on the phone because he is just horrible. I allow text's only to arrange hand over of our DS who is now a teenager. Though his texts of late cause me to get upset.

Would you had over the CB? WWYD? As I said any advice would be gratefully received.

BluelightsAndSirens Sun 30-Dec-12 17:25:05

What does he have to blackmail you with?

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 17:26:25

No. Don't.

And is there any way to alert HMRC to the fact that no change should be made? In case he tries to go behind your back and claim anyway.

fergoose Sun 30-Dec-12 17:26:32

and also you could call Woman's Aid for advice - plus csa - does he pay maintenance?

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:29:08

To hohoho - he was complaining as I hadn't bought him a winter jacket and he was wearing a lighter weight one. The fact is he is between sizes and having gone round 6 shops and ordering from 3 online companies I was strugglingto get one to fit, DS knows this as he hates trying on clothes. Of course it gave my exh something to complain about.

He hasn't bought our DS any jacket in over 5 years!

yohohoho Sun 30-Dec-12 17:30:41

It that case, why are you worried. Your ds is at an age where as would take what he said as the main evidence.

If you don't give him the CB what's the worst that will happen? What are you afraid of?

IDontDoIroning Sun 30-Dec-12 17:31:37

I missed that he is a teen.

You don't have to facilitate their relationship at his age. Let ds and his (d)f arrange contact between themselves.

Why do you have to take him anyway ??

however if you have to do this- in future just drop him to his door. Surely you can stop, ds can get out of car, go to front door and you drive away without seeing ex. Reverse at pickups. You agree a time and ds waits on doorstep you drive up he gets in you drive away.

MatureUniStudent Sun 30-Dec-12 17:32:16

If you have to drop your DS off, do it in a public place, Supermarket car park or recreational ground (the park). Arrange that your son gets out of the car and you remain in the car, engine on, he gets into his DF car and off you go.

Don't allow him the ability to talk to you or bully you. Your DS seems keen to see his dad, so you must protect yourself.

Don't reply to his complaints and DON'T justify yourself/your son's jacket etc to him. You will not change his bleak opinion of you so why waste the emotional effort?

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 17:32:52

You are not required to tell the Child Benefit Agency that you are co-habiting and your entitlement to this particular benefit in respect of your ds remains unaffected by you having moved in with your dp.

Tell the entitled knob who, unfortunately, is still your h in the eyes of the law to do one.

Out of curiousity, does he make regular payments in respect of child support or maintenance?

After you have been separated for 7 years, you can divorce him online for little cost without his consent. Not long to go! smile

Xales Sun 30-Dec-12 17:33:30

Your ex only has the power to make you worry and feel scared if you let him.

Don't communicate, don't reply, don't respond.

If he doesn't get bored and stop, use legal powers to get him off your back.

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:37:11

He is just horrible. I would invite SS to my house tomorrow to talk to us all. I wonder what he will say to them. I know, that my 14 year old son is home alone from 4pm till 6pm when I get home from work.

Exh is even twisting DS, who turned to me a few weeks ago and said you have to pay for that because you get CB :-(

I would go without anything if it meant my ds got what he needed.. Exh can't say that, I know he can't.

Darkesteyes Sun 30-Dec-12 17:38:52

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OldLadyKnowsNothingSun 30-Dec-12 17:12:47

I'm assuming you have nothing to fear from an investigation into your benefits? No, of course you don't hand over the Child Benefit

Except for them being suspended WHILE the investigation takes place. The benefits system unlike the courts work on the premise of gulity until proven innocent.
And im willing to bet this abusive ex KNOWS this. But whatever you do DONT hand the CB over. Greedy fucker.

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:45:07

My problem is I'm too soft, I need to grow balls. His profession means he is good at manipulating and finding your weak spot. I know that. That is what he did to me when we were married. I should not fear him. I'm know a worrier!

IDontDoIroning Sun 30-Dec-12 17:46:02

Your ds isn't too young to know just how much things cost. Tell him how much your rent/ bills shopping etc are and then he can see how much of a drop in the ocean the CB is.

I suspect that your ex is manipulating your ds if he is coming out with comments like that.

If you aren't divorced I think you should do it and you should make sure you have a will too.

MrsTomHardy Sun 30-Dec-12 17:47:26

Do not give him anything.
Do not engage with him at all, ever.

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:49:39

Darkesteyes - The only benefit I get is child benefit and I am well within the new £ limit, as is my dp. I don't claim or receive tax credits or anything else.

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 17:50:20

You surely don't need to engage with him when dropping off a teenager. Let him out round the corner if it comes to it!

And certainly let your ds know how much child benefit is and what you spend it on.

Even if you were crazy enough to hand it over, would he even qualify under the new rules? Wanker.

fergoose Sun 30-Dec-12 17:52:23

and what actually does he think gives him the right to the child benefit - it is utterly ludicrous isn't it. Call child benefit yourself, tell them you don't want the claim changing, and tell them if he attempts to make the change he is committing fraud.

Tortington Sun 30-Dec-12 17:53:55

my kids had a time when they would say 'but you get child benefit' so i sat them down and budgeted to show them - that actually you can't pay for a lot out of what you get.

id dell him to buy the fucking coat or do one, knob

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:54:12

Amberleaf - I was wondering the same, will he try to claim other benefits.
If he has child benefit would this make him look like the main carer. I wonder if there is another agenda as well as bullying me.

fergoose Sun 30-Dec-12 17:55:00

and does he pay child maintenance to you - if he thinks you don't have enough, maybe he should actually increase your maintenance?

DontmindifIdo Sun 30-Dec-12 17:56:25

Explain to your DS that child benefit is to buy his food with, and that he eats more than you get in CB each week anyway, and that CB goes to the primary carer, so that's you, not his Dad. At 14, he's old enough to understand that.

mercibucket Sun 30-Dec-12 17:57:37

Obv don't give it to your ex, and obv he is a total dick, but I'd pull your ds up on that comment about cb. Have you ever thought about giving part/all of it to your ds and letting him buy his own clothes - give him an idea of how far it really goes? Obviously this could be impractical if you also need it for his food etc, but you could give, say, half as a clothes allowance? Just an idea, feel free to ignore smile

mercibucket Sun 30-Dec-12 17:57:37

Obv don't give it to your ex, and obv he is a total dick, but I'd pull your ds up on that comment about cb. Have you ever thought about giving part/all of it to your ds and letting him buy his own clothes - give him an idea of how far it really goes? Obviously this could be impractical if you also need it for his food etc, but you could give, say, half as a clothes allowance? Just an idea, feel free to ignore smile

Xales Sun 30-Dec-12 18:01:10

Write down how much stuff for your DS costs and show him it in B&W. Then let him see how much the CB is for a month.

Ask him where he thinks the difference comes from.

He is old enough to know this sort of thing now. Do not let him be twisted by his dad!

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 18:08:43

In 2 years I can divorce him without going to court. Because exh is such an arse my solicitor said it would mean court to sort out my sons care agreement which be a minimum of 10k.

I feel so much better for reading your replies. I kept waking up at night and thinking what should I do...

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