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EXh is now blackmailing me, unless I hand him my Child Benefit

(79 Posts)
MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:09:05

Sorry its long, I guess I need to vent too...

I hope I can get some advice and support as I am at the end of my tether, I wish my exh would move on, and leave me alone, though I am resigning myself to the fact that he never will :-(

I received a text on Boxing day (probably to deliberately to upset me during the holidays, which it did) It said he didn't want his son dressing like the pauper of his school or begging for clothes?? This was directed at me yet I don't let my ds want for anything. And so I should hand over my Child Benefit to him as he would so a better job! Then on collecting my ds yesterday, he asked me if I had the relevant info ie. my CB number so he can contact HMRC to arrange the hand over my child benefit to him, he told me he doesn't want to contest it through HMRC as all payment would stop (I don't care) otherwise an enquiry will begin? I asked what he meant and he said he will report me to Social Services?? I know this is blackmail. I can't believe he is stooping so low after 6 years! I moved 6 months ago from a rented property into a lovely new home with my dp, things are good, my DS enjoys this home, gets on well with dp's ds from a previous marriage, I am a good mum. I think my exh still wants to control me and will go to any lengths to be a SOB and upset us all. I know him, I'm sure if it is not this, it will be something else

When I left exh almost 6 years ago, I had nothing, it took 12 months to get any money from our separation, I rented an unfurnished flat, I had no beds for my ds and I, not a chair to sit on, nothing. I earned 1/3 of his salary and I struggled to build a home for us. Yet he would turn to me and say I am not giving any money towards a school uniform, shoes, jacket, I am not paying towards his karate classes or school trips, or anything! - he would tell me - 'you can pay for it you get child benefit'. I bought it all myself even though exh benefitted from it.

He said to me yesterday, you didn't want for anything. I was actually treated like a door mat. I did everything, looking after ds, all driving, cooking (I actually had to wake him when dinner was ready), cleaning, shopping, ironing, clean car and servicing etc, I was miserable, I realised he was manipulative and controlling. I could give so many instances when he was just was horrible. And I would be divorced but just to sort the finances cost thousands because he would not agree to anything and because I was working freelance I got no Legal aid. I know it is all Control! He is still single btw.

I won't speak to him on the phone because he is just horrible. I allow text's only to arrange hand over of our DS who is now a teenager. Though his texts of late cause me to get upset.

Would you had over the CB? WWYD? As I said any advice would be gratefully received.

Glitterknickaz Sun 30-Dec-12 17:12:11

Tell him where to go. His threats are groundless. So what if he calls SS? It's not like you have anything to hide and they're probably well practised in dealing with disgruntled exes.

You might wish to get legal advice regarding a non molestation order against him though.

Of course you shouldn't.

And unless you're claiming benefits while pretending to be a lone parent then he can't blackmail you.

I'd ignore and delete his texts, go through the CSa for child support and have contact agreed by email.

No one can bully you if you don't let them.

Seabright Sun 30-Dec-12 17:12:47

No, don't. You are the primary carer, therefore you get the CB.

I'd be tempted to write to the local SS and HMRC office informing them your ex is blackmailing you and threatening to try & get an investigation started. Might trigger an HMRC investigation into him.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 30-Dec-12 17:12:47

I'm assuming you have nothing to fear from an investigation into your benefits? No, of course you don't hand over the Child Benefit! Report him to the police for harrassment and allow your DS to make his own arrangements to see his dad.

yohohoho Sun 30-Dec-12 17:12:48

Don't hand it over.

Let him call SS. Nothing will happen, if as you say all is well and ds' needs are looked after.

If you tell him no, he probably won't anyway.

What prompted his 'dressed like pauper' comment?

SanctuaryMoon Sun 30-Dec-12 17:14:09

I would not hand it over. Let him call social services, but as your child is a teenager and can speak for himself, I can't see what good it would do your ex.

He sounds horrible, I am sorry he is still upsetting you x

RyleDup Sun 30-Dec-12 17:14:28

Tell him to go and fuck himself.

tribpot Sun 30-Dec-12 17:14:39

Sorry, I'm confused. Why in the name of ALL THAT IS HOLY would you be considering giving in to his demand for the child benefit?

nkf Sun 30-Dec-12 17:14:58

Hand it over, my arse! Sorry but really. The cheek of the man. No. Don't.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:15:08

Why would you hand it over? He is lying, bullying you and has no entitlement to the CB.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 30-Dec-12 17:16:15

Report him to the police for harassment and, as others have said, have a word with SS and HMRC. Also, as your DS is a teenager and old enough to arrange contact himself, you can refuse any further contact with your XH. And if your DS despises him as well, he can pretty much stop seeing him.

THe only way to deal with men like this is with icy contempt and total stonewalling. He can be forced by the law to leave you alone.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 30-Dec-12 17:16:16

What an absolute shit of a man.

Let him call SS.

comedycentral Sun 30-Dec-12 17:17:00

I would laugh at him. He doesn't have a leg to stand on. SS are used to people like him & they can see through the bull.

GotMyGoat Sun 30-Dec-12 17:17:22

Ignore it, I'm assuming you are the main carer, so it's absolutely right you should have the child benefit. That benefit is for things like food and housing too - not just so daddy can go and dress up his son in designer gear.

Don't give him any info, don't be scared - even if he does call HMRC to stir up trouble It will come to nothing.

Call the police / get a solicitor to write a letter asking him to stop if he keeps harassing you.

what a dick.

ItsaTIARA Sun 30-Dec-12 17:18:08

Unless you haven't told the benefit agency you're cohabiting he has nothing to blackmail you with.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 17:18:31

For a start, the CB goes to the primary carer i.e. you, and there is no reason whatsoever why that should change. So ignore that particular rubbish.

Second, get a solicitor on the case even if you have to take on extra jobs, beg, steal or borrow to afford it. Bullies will argue the toss with you every time just to make a point but will often back down in the face of a letter from a lawyer. It's vital you separate yourself legally once and for all.

Third, you need to distance yourself and avoid contact at all costs. I'm glad you don't talk to him on the phone and the texts are purely for contact details. However, this isn't preventing the abuse from continuing and, again, I think you need to formalise the access and communication channels through a court if you are to get him out of your hair. Keep a record of all his abusive remarks and communications and take this to your solicitor. He's clearly unstable and it may be that your DS is better off not having to spend so much time with Dad.

yohohoho Sun 30-Dec-12 17:18:51

its only blackmail if he has something to hold over you.

TheSecondComing Sun 30-Dec-12 17:19:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDontDoIroning Sun 30-Dec-12 17:22:13


I would tell him to F off and stay there

Does he pay child support I hope he does, and if he wants his ds to have new branded clothes what's stopping him from buying them for him.

If your son is happy fed clothed attending school regularly and the health / education professionals have no concerns as to his health and well being then I think ss would just laugh at him.

If you are worried speak to the HT of his school and or your health visitor /gp to at least flag this up should there be a malicious allegation made.

Also legally he's not entitled as CB should be paid to resident parent.

MsSavingPennies Sun 30-Dec-12 17:22:28

I have nothing to hide from HRMC, II called them and told them he was harassing me.

My ds loves his dad and wants contact, he is 14 now. It makes it difficult as I live 7 miles away and so sometimes I have to drop him off. I wish I didn't need to go near there.

Xales Sun 30-Dec-12 17:22:55

Don't do it.

Don't engage in any conversation about it.

Keep any texts as evidence and if he becomes nasty take them to the police.

If possible speak to the child benefits office. If he puts in a claim will they will stop yours while they decide to to give it to? Make sure you have what he is attempting to do on record.

Also speak to Social Services. Invite them out to see you. Let them know what he is attempting too. Pull his teeth before he attempts to bite and turn it into a pathetic gummy suck.

AmberLeaf Sun 30-Dec-12 17:23:23

How much does he think child benefit is?!

Is he hoping he can also get any related tax credits?

Hes trying it on, yes tell him to get fucked.

akaemmafrost Sun 30-Dec-12 17:24:17

Still bullying you isn't he? I d tell him to F-off with a face like grin.

If you don't want to swear tell him if he keeps harassing you to commit an illegal act, ie sign over CB to the NONE primary carer you'll be contacting SS and the police yourself.

What a tosser. My ex used to whine about not being in the know about ds's DLA. I made it quite clear he should get happy with the status quo as it wouldn't be changing anytime soon.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 17:24:45

So see a solicitor. After six years there can't be much in the way of financial issues to sort out. In your shoes I'd be happy to walk away with the shirt on my back and £00.00 if it meant getting that bastard out of my life for good.

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