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Am I right to ask him to leave?

(22 Posts)
SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 00:53:44

I'm about 106% sure that I am, but I need a bit of hand holding.

We had another stupid fight this morning. He misunderstood something I said, I was criticising my reaction to something and he thought I was criticising him. I tried to explain what I'd actually said, he didn't calm down, he then admitted he had misunderstood and knew it, but was still angry.

He was being so awful that I fought back (verbally) as I knew he had things completely wrong. He then said it was over for him. He's had time to think over the day/evening and he's still convinced it's over. He says I've never forgiven him for lying and can't let it go and its my fault everything's fallen apart. He said he wants to go back to his country, doesn't seem to care about not seeing the kids anymore as he "will send money" hmm

He will not, however, leave the house. As long as he's here I will keep shouting at him/crying (mostly crying) blush because I cannot believe his attitude over the kids. I don't know who he is anymore. 24 hours ago we were perfectly happy (well, we've been fighting on and off for ages as anyone who's seen my threads will know) but laughing, having fun, had a great day etc, then 24 hours later he hates me, can't bear to be in a relationship with me.. but won't leave the house.

I'm a bit worried for his mental health, I know the homesickness has been shit for him, but he's adamant that this is all my fault and it hurts. It all really really hurts. I want him to leave as I know I will not be ok as long as he's in the house. He's out visiting friends tomorrow, I've asked him to stay there but there's 1001 excuses why he can't stay there or anywhere else.

If he hates me and doesn't care about our kids I just want him gone sad
Sorry for the rant blush

TeamBacon Sun 30-Dec-12 00:55:31

Hmmm I don't know, but this does sound v familiar. Will log on and reply properly

TeamBacon Sun 30-Dec-12 00:59:50

Right - first thing here is misunderstanding about something. He thinks you were having a go at him when you weren't. His issue, not yours.

A bit of unreasonableness, a bit of extra shouting - would all be totally normal and understandable.... he sounds a bit unstable though. It sounds like he's massively homesick and he's taking it out on you.

This, however, is never an excuse for acting like a little tiny person who thinks the world revolves around him.

TeamBacon Sun 30-Dec-12 01:00:55

Is this really just after one stupi fight, or is it a constant thing? Are you fighting all the time? Is he a controlling arse?

x

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 01:06:06

Thanks TeamBacon I think I'm just totally in shock at his comments re the kids. If we had no kids I don't think we would have lasted this long blush That sounds horrible. I feel awful as I'm not good at letting things go especially when I'm right being snapped at then ignored, as his his style, I prefer to thrash things out quickly and cleanly and be happy again. So we are hideously mismatched in that respect.

I feel awful that I've relied on him too much, asked him for reassurance too much (he says horrible things when fighting that I take to heart, which make me a bit needy. He sees that needyness/asking for reassurance as nagging and irritating.) and he's not big enough (his words) to provide emotional support. I just feel like if I'd kept my mouth shut or been stronger it wouldn't have fallen apart. I feel ok for me, if very rejected, lonely, confused and angry and shit, but awful for the kids. What the hell is he thinking?

suburbophobe Sun 30-Dec-12 01:09:06

he's adamant that this is all my fault

Well, this is not on of course.

He's homesick. Mine had the same, and blamed me for everything too.

In the end I had to protect me and DS. And him really. He went home. (Not going into the details).

It was the best for us all, however hard it was.

Wishing you all the best....

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 01:11:58

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1623577-How-to-break-this-vicious-cycle

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1639029-How-do-you-deal-with-lies

There's a couple of previous threads. It's basically the same problem again and again. He is horrible when we fight, just can't calm down or deal with it rationally. We usually fight about the same thing, and he says he's just had enough of it. Which is fair enough, except I've tried to work on me to help things, he's never really been willing to listen to how I feel or why things things he says hurt, or to attempt to make them better. He's not controlling. He can be grumpy, homesick, angry and quiet bit not controlling. Has recently started making odd sarcastic "jokes" about me running off with someone else though hmm Wishful thinking perhaps smile

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 01:13:57

Buy him a ticket, book him a taxi. I cannot be done with a grown man threatening to do this, then acting like a dick. You will be happier and so will the children given a little time. Good luck.

LineRunner Sun 30-Dec-12 01:16:01

he's not big enough (his words) to provide emotional support.

He's telling you something you need to listen to.

And this is not your fault.

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 01:18:39

suburbophobe Thank you, it is weirdly good to hear someone in the same position, and that it worked out. Sorry it was a hard time for you. The part that's so tough for me is that if he were also from the UK, visitations, seeing the kids etc would be relatively easy, but the distance makes it impossible and I feel so so hurt for them. How ill that ever go away?

Legally, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, what can I do to protect the kids from being taken away by him? I'm worried that his apparent don't-care attitude is masking an evil plan. I will go to solicitors asap but is there anything specific I should look out for?

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 01:20:55

Chipping thank you smile I may ponder the ethics of locking him in the boot of a random car and seeing where he ends up if he won't make the decision himself..

LineRunner I should have listened a long time ago shouldn't I. I don't want to force him to do that or force him to stay, I'm just so so sad about it all.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 01:46:12

I'm not sure how you go about it or how well it works, but I'd definitely look into 'airport alerts' so he (supposedly) can't take them out of the country. Keep their passports somewhere safe (friends/parents).

If you want to say what his home country is, we might be able to advise better (it wont out you, as much as it feels that way).

Hindsight is a wonderful thing my love, don't fret over that, just do everything you can now! See a solicitor as soon as you possibly, humanly can.

<Oh and sticking him in a car boot - perfectly ethical I think!!>

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 01:55:24

Why have you begun another thread, Sneezy? Is it because you're hoping hear something other than, in bumhead's immortal words, your h is an entitled, manipulative, malicious twat?

Those who aren't up to speed on your ongoing saga are best advised to read your other threads before forming an opinion and I sincerely hope that ,if you see fit to create yet another thread on the same topic, you will provide links to your earlier posts.

As long as he's here I will keep shouting at him/crying (mostly crying)
I trust you will rethink this course of action. It isn't going to have any effect on him and it certainly isn't good for you or the dc to be ranting and weeping all over the place.

As was apparent in your last post there's nothing wrong with his mental health, but you are in need of an appointment with your GP for a referral to a pyschologist in respect of your self-harming.

Whatever he may say about vacating the UK, when it comes down to it, he's got no intention of going anywhere and you'll need a shoehorn to prise him out your home.

Of course, in the happy event that he buggers off returns home, you'll never receive a penny from him but you should be abe to derive some consolation from the fact that, no matter what the cost of his departure, it'll be cheap at twice the price.

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 02:00:30

While I've been raiding the fridge poring over a hot netbook, I see you've added a couple of links which provide a bigger picutre than that given in your OP.

Your h is an arse and the sooner you're shot of him, the better.

If he isn't willing to leave your present property or return to his home country, would it be feasible for you to do so?

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 02:24:52

izzyizin shock That's a bit harsh! I posted a new thread as things have clearly changed since my last ongoing saga thread - didn't see the point of rehashing an old thread and changing the point of it halfway through, apologies if that's the wrong thing to do though! I didn't want to hear any different opinions, I needed a bit of handholding for the new development..

Links were provided at 1:11am, not so much nitpicking as insanely jealous over the size of the fridge you were raiding. If it's full of chocolate I may explode with jealousy smile

I do disagree with a couple of your points. I do think there is something wrong with his mental health, in that the things he saying re the kids are completely out of character. I am in no way excusing him, I'm sure that's clear. I just think he has lost it. Which is why I want him out if the house. And I think he will go back home. And honestly, I think he needs to go. I have a feeling my "mental health" problems may vanish along with him smile

Not really feasible for me to leave, have parents very close but both in 1 bed houses so that wouldn't work.

Yes he is an arse. Complete agreement there.

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 02:31:04

Chipping Thanks, that's great advice. Passports etc all out of the house already. His country is not a country supported by The Hague Convention, which is scary enough in itself. Basically, if he were to get them there then "disappear" with them, I would have no legal rights as their parent. I have already had some legal advice re how to/where to divorce to protect the children if we were to divorce, so just need to get the ball rolling there. Just want to make sure he absolutely can't get them out of the UK. Thanks again for the advice!

SquinkiesRule Sun 30-Dec-12 02:39:11

If you think he might take the children, you may want to do some reading here. www.reunite.org/ find out all you can they have a useful links section and can be very helpful.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 03:29:47

Some schools are more co-operative than others, but as soon as they are back I would go and talk to the Head, explain that you fear he might abduct them and explain that you/your Mum/safe person is/are the only one/s that are safe to collect them and no matter what he says, he must not. Some schools will do this for you, some will say they can't as he is their other parent. It's worth talking to them. Then, after that, I would not allow them out of my/someone I trust sight.

I'd be phoning solicitors and making an appointment on Monday, for Monday.

How old are your children?

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 04:19:20

I didn't mean to be harsh and FWIW, by of explanation, I began my response of 01.55 at c1am after reading TeamBacon's questions which wouldn't have needed to be asked if you'd provided links to your earlier threads.

Shortly thereafter I developed a severe case of the munchies and broke off for a forage. After devouring the remains of a quiche, I embarked on another hunt for chocs which netted a couple of packets of Mikados <yum emoticon> before returning to the keyboard.

At this time in the morning, it didn't occur to me to check whether there'd been any further responses before I clicked on 'post message' hence my addition of 02.00.

While you may see each incident/argument/dispute between you and your h as separate developments, Sneezy, they're part of the whole and it can be misleading for responders and lurkers alike if they're not in possession of all available facts when forming their opinions.

Further, if only part of the picture is apparent, the advice given may not meet your needs. Now that you've added further information about your h's country of origin, I would suggest you visit this site www.rightsofwomen.org.uk and, if necessary, call the advice line, to clarify how you can best protect your dc from being removed from the UK without your consent.

As for things have clearly changed it may be clear to you, honey, but it's clear as mud to me and, from where I'm sitting, he's the same controlling and entitled arse he's always been since you first posted here.

I hope you'll add to this thread as and when because, IMO, those which most benefit OPs effectively chart their progress from day 1 and provide a record of their journey on the sometimes long and rocky road to empowerment. In addition, these lengthy/ongoing threads provide encouragement and act as a 'how to guide' for those who are also hoping to break free of abusive relationships.

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 08:46:48

Squinkies Thank you, have bookmarked and will read when I'm a bit more awake smile

That does make a lot of sense Izzyizin I should have put links in the first post, but my head was all over the place yesterday. I will stick with one thread for now. I feel like a complete spanner making so many threads, and of course it probably all looks the same from the outside. And with hindsight. Big sigh. Is clutching at straws to explain his behaviour a step that everyone goes through? With any luck I've cleared that one now then smile

Didn't sleep too well last night. Not sure how I'm physically cope with a very energetic toddler and even more energetic preschooler confused DS2's sleeping is terrible lately, he hasn't slept through the night for a while (has been poorly) and has a chest infection again now so he's pretty upset at night. It probably sounds really selfish but the thought of never getting a lie in again, no long baths etc, difficult to get out and meet friends, money worries.. None of it's the end of the world but I don't know how I'm going to cope. And more than anything, how the kids are going to react to this. My heart is breaking for them.

SneezyPanda Sun 30-Dec-12 08:48:06

*how I'm physically going to cope, I mean. And it took me ages to spell "physically! each time blush

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 19:19:03

Clutching at straws is par for the course, honey, and we can all be resistant to believing the evidence of our own eyes and ears when we are desparately hoping we're wrong.

The false fear of being alone is what keeps many women in abusive relationships, but the fact is that nature abhors a vacuum and any gap left by the absence of an abusive twunt is quickly filled with more pleasureable activities and experiences.

In addition, tempus fugit - dc grow and you'll very soon be able to linger in a bath while they play happily together or are off on sleepovers and suchlike.

You managed perfectly well before you met the twunt and, in giving birth to and caring for dc, you've proved yourself to be able to spin plates competent and adaptable.

Once you're shot of him, you'll flourish and your dc will thrive. In fact I suspect that, in common with so many others, your only regret will be that you didn't take affirmative action a lot earlier.

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