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Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 04-Feb-13 18:41:43

Tiresome !!!

SoleSource Mon 04-Feb-13 15:55:49

It is natural Chaos xxx

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 04-Feb-13 15:19:24

It's ridiculous. I drive to work and I drive past him. I feel prisoner to the pain

sparklyjumper Sun 03-Feb-13 21:30:49

Yep I know what you mean about things reminding you, with my previous ex I could never watch The Bill again, remember The Bill?! Couldn't eat certain foods, go to certain restaurants, it just fades in the end.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 03-Feb-13 11:55:09

Urggghhh how could he do this to me, how could he?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 03-Feb-13 09:21:16

Hey sparkly... Glad you too see sense in it. It's hard reading it back there, even this morning- despite the fact I wrote it!

I just feel at a bit of a loss with a lot of the behaviour. The association thin is really hard too; I can't watch Sunday brunch (which I love) for example , as I feel physically sick and just see him and I in our living room watching it , as we always did.

I don't doubt this is the right thing to do, it's just doing the right thing is not the easy thing to do. I feel I've wavered so much. Like I said above, I'll never understand it , but I do know it's unacceptable, unsustainable, and no one is deserving of it.

I just wish I didn't miss it anymore. I can't even say him, as he didn't really exist, as has transpired over the last few weeks. There are a lot of MN'ers in a far worse situation than me , however!

Did you wonder how you ever managed to get by day by day?

sparklyjumper Sat 02-Feb-13 21:15:18

I'm maybe trying to understand what I never will be able to. I think I need to make peace with the fact it is what it is. That I couldn't have married and had DC with him, and that someday real love and respect will come my way. I tried too hard with him in places, he will never accept what his behaviour was, in the same way i will never understand it..

I can completely relate to that and I'm sure that loads of people can, I am my own worst enemy in trying to dissect everything that happened, every conversation, every thing that was said. Why did he says that, why did he do that, why can't he understand that was wrong.

At least you know that whether it's a year, 5, 10 years from now you will look back on this and just be able to shrug and think 'whatever'.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 02-Feb-13 12:42:19

yappy sorry you felt so guff about that. I totally get the compulsion to ring aswell! I guess it is the grieving process, and there must be some comfort in the fact that we are/have facing up to the reality, and so that the pattern doesn't continue into a new relationship.

I have deleted him. But kinks numbers off by heart! The twunt text me a you tube link of a song he liked last night that was all about people getting it on?! Sensitive, hu?!

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 02-Feb-13 12:39:08

sparkly I bought the book you recommended on kindle last night and I have to say, it's really helping, so thank you. I read the lundy Bancroft book some weeks ago, but think it was too soon in, and may have to revisit it.

I think you may be right about the counselling being early too. I am still trying to readjust . I understand wholly that the break up had to happen; sooner or later. I know his behaviour was terrible towards me, and often. Perhaps what I find hardest is his initiation, and my lack of Borg control and self respect in face of the abuse - and for so long.

I'm maybe trying to understand what I never will be able to. I think I need to make peace with the fact it is what it is. That I couldn't have married and had DC with him, and that someday real love and respect will come my way. I tried too hard with him in places, he will never accept what his behaviour was, in the same way i will never understand it..

OverlyYappyAlways Sat 02-Feb-13 07:47:56

It's going to take time Chaos, my moved out in September and all I remeber of Sept - July was crying a lot, going to bed at 7.30pm with my DC and constantly asking doctor for more pills. The boys went on hols in the July, I had a date, then small relationship type thing that lasted about 1 month and I cannot remember much else except having the random date here and there when I felt lonely.

Like I have said a few times I didn't actually get over my ex until last year, that two years but I was with him for 16.

It's going to hurt, I think I have the Paul McKenna Book somewhere How TO Heal your Broken Heart, previous to that was reading How to Save a Marriage by Marriage Builders so as you can see I was very confused.

I think I have said this but just because he was/is abusive does not belittle your relationship, you need to grieve for that. I called my ex before Christmas, I wanted to know if he sounded happy or sad, he sounded happy. I do not know what even possessed me to call him. SO would have been no use when you called him, my best advice wold be delete his number, I deleted my exs but still have the g. friends one.

sparklyjumper Fri 01-Feb-13 21:00:41

Hi chaos, I think it's normal to feel worse after 5 weeks, it really does get worse before it gets better. When you first break up you get caught in all the drama, you're angry, running on adrenaline, but now things have settled you're pining for him, you've put your rose coloured specs on.

I read this book recently Getting past your breakup and the author describes breakng up like going through a grief process. Your mind is coping with a HUGE change, so you naturally start to look for what you've lost hence why you've called him. Do you have a kindle? You should read the book if only for a distraction it really is quite soothing.

I've been where you are with my ex and my ex ex, and it's always around this time that you start wanting to speak to them, because the hurt you're feeling seems to outweigh the hurt you felt when you were with them.

I'm wondering whether it's a bit early for counselling, on the WA website it mentions that sometimes counselling isn't helpful immediately after the end of an abusive relationship and you might need to leave some time.

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 20:04:05

Slowly trying to kill off the niceties; he even said that 'we lost our magic' (like its all my fault) and I deserve better, he didn't want to 'fight tooth and nail for something he didn't believe in', that hurt like hell. It's a continual hurt, hurt hurt. Spoke all about himself not once ask about me. He didn't have any respect for me!!!!!

I think I have to move, away from this. The association is everywhere. And nothing feels the same anymore. It has killed my love affair with the city, but all it has is memories of a life I used to lead..

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 20:01:20

Hey yappy thanks for coming by, today has been a killer.

I had WA counsellor but as nice as she was, it was very quick, and it was over with call if you ever need to... Well I need to all the time! Other counsellor rung too... And she just hums and has!

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 01-Feb-13 17:38:34

Yeah it's a killer Chaos, my ex was nice to be and nasty to me in front of his g.friend, last time he screamed at me, it didn't hurt at all, last February he screamed at me and it hurt.

I still think you may need some counselling to move on. Keep talking, I know people think your banging on about 'the past' I get it too, 2 years on I say nothing about my ex unless he is brought up which very rarely happens unless it's to laugh at my crap marriage.

I'm sorry he was vile to you but I'm also pleased, kill off any nice feelings you may have had for him. I am sorry you are suffering, you need to gt busy and keep occupied, I know it's tricky. Would your job move be away from him?

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 10:40:06

I think I've broken completely. 5 weeks today and I feel worse

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 10:34:45

I think I admit defeat on the situation.

Stupidly called him in a moment of weakness and he was awful to me. Cold, nasty. And why did I do that to myself?

I can't cope, I haven't been. Up and down, up and down. Boss is putting major pressure on me to move closer to work and that is the last thing on my mind.

I only want to escape, to sleep, because then am away from it all. Even in my dreams I see him. I can't escape this awful awful life , and I don't know how to.

WA to call me back, I hope they get this more than anyone else. My mother has been screaming at me to snap out of if and to stop dramatising it , but am not. This is the reality

Chaoscarriesonagain Thu 31-Jan-13 20:57:04

Why would neighbour do that? Awful. Hope you're ok

SoleSource Thu 31-Jan-13 19:57:20

Dunno Chaos.

Had fab coupleof weeks, best I have felt about me.for aagges aside from one or two daus.

Me tyre was slashed again. Tjink.its my nutty neighbour.

Chaoscarriesonagain Thu 31-Jan-13 19:49:24

What a day. Existing not living!

It gets better, surely?

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 21:27:46

Yes, yes they are.

SoleSource Wed 30-Jan-13 21:20:54

Helloo smile

Men are pigs!!!

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 19:07:11

Am just toiling today between getting on and want to speak to all I know : him!!

I know am being ridiculous, and he will only upset me by coldness , tell me am on a time limit as he has a life now and I don't.

I have another dilemma. Friend of mine is his best friends wife and shes been texting. I've been ignoring. Feels too hard. Am I doing the right thing?

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 18:52:41

He certainly did that yappy!

Am so proud of myself for getting this far, but I am finding it hard to resist calling him. Whey did you do when you felt this?

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 30-Jan-13 16:40:26

It sounds like has has gone running to his mum, my ex was his father, called him everything but always ran to him for money.

I thought my local WA was a grotty little place and didn't really know the location, I phoned them a few times over the years at weekends but usually got a volunteer who told me she was at home in her PJ's, she was very helpful and had been in an abusive relationship too. grin Then I called my local office and asked if someone would come and see me and asked if this was a service they had, receptionist said yet ad made an appointment nor 2 weeks later and hat was it, they took over from them on in!

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 15:38:43

I am so up and down!! Am getting less needy for the contact, and I am doing no contact, cold turkey- whatever you call it, it's hell though, and I don't know if am coming or going!

The telephone counsellor is ringing on Friday .. I'm almost holding into the fact I can hold out and stay strong till then. Am so hurt my him, but I don't know what I expect either! I'll never go back. My father won't even allow me mention his name in the house!

Ex would do mental abuse, put downs, then massive declarations of love on FB and to family. He started throwing me about in frustration , threatening suicide, screaming don't touch me, you name it. It was always all about him. He would wish his wicked mother dead as she was so vile, but then protect her at every opportunity, as that was his inheritance and she was his only family, like I say, she was wicked and I guess he had the gene pool. After the argument on Boxing Day at my parents (between him and mother, nothing to do with me) there was a marked shift in perceptions . She had an hour alone with him and something happened in that hour - he snapped towards me, was that way for days, and all the money he would have owed me was in my bank account the day after I left. He didn't have that money, she did. I hate to think it was all master minded , and is that twisted, but agree it doesn't look good, does it?

How did you contact WA? My local branch website is not great. What's best course of action?

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