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Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:48:03

I know , cogit. That's exactly how I saw it , and how I believed he saw it too. We had dreams together, he always talked of us marrying, chose kids names Etc. perhaps I feel duped on that account!

I am 26. He is 34. I have known him several years, know his ex too. Unfortunately we work in same company, I fortunately am in a different office. I feel it would be easier to never see him again.

Jemma1111 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:48:42

Get your family members to collect your things, really, you shouldn't go anywhere near this twat as he may use it as an opportunity to make you take him back (which you will regret if you do) or he may well turn nasty.

Abusive men do cry, they do this as another abusive tactic to get you to feel sorry for them. Don't be fooled by tears !

maleview70 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:56:08

Picture viewing this on a dating website.

Bad tempered, abusive man who likes to treat women like shit, partial to pushing them around and inflicting the off bruise or two.....

These are all words used by you in your initial post.

Would you contact that man for a date?

You must under no circumstances contact him as the healing process will take much longer if you do. Your dad is always a wise person to look to for advice.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:56:19

A different office is not going to keep you sufficiently apart. You may have to consider job-hunting if you're to truly get this man out of your system.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:00:51

He had already done that a year ago. Not when I threatened to leave, but threatened suicids. Stood in the kitchen with a knife to his bare chest . I panicked , he said if I came closer it would be me. I ran to living room to call someone and he slammed the knife do hard and screamed I thought he did it, he'd stabbed the worktop instead.

I had my first panic attack the next day. I called my dad at 5am as he then ran away for two hours and was suicidal - I believed in his eyes that he would do if. I didn't think of me, only him

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:02:17

Hi maleview. Can I ask if you are indeed male?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:04:24

My parents are threatening to call the police, I don't want that. It would only make me look bitter and twisted, and he'd turn if around. And it would ruin my work, something am incredibly proud of and not prepared to walk away from. If I have up on all I worked for for one wanker then I am not the person I thought I was.

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 11:05:17

My ex made it so difficult to go back for my stuff and it really made a difference. (I left v suddenly with one bag after final straw was physical abuse) When I went to collect my belongings he either refused to talk, acted totally fine and 'breezy' or made it worse by having a friend over casually playing pool and having a laugh ffs while I gathered things up. Im not saying this will happen to you but you have to protect yourself. Oh they know how to be utterly charming to everyone...just don't put yourself in a position where he can hurt you.
Plan to get your things asap with help from family and for him to be out at time.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:06:44

That's what our mutual friend said, he sounded 'calm and controlled' on the phone.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:09:19

Whilst I was a blubbering mess, struggling to understand everything.

CuttedUpPear Sun 30-Dec-12 11:13:54

Well done OP for making the break and for the distance you've come since your first post.

I know your situation. I was with a man like this for 6 years and had a child with him. It took a long long time for me to admit that I was wrong about him and that what he felt for me was not love. I probably did love him, like you love your man, but in the end I realised that my love was misplaced and not healthy.

Actually it was a bit of an embarrassment for me to admit all this to myself. It was a kind of addiction I had, of needing his approval in between the abuse and neglect.

It took a long time to get over him and I went through a lot of loneliness (and letting him come back and sleep with me blush) before I realised that there were other people in the world who made me feel a lot better about myself than he did.

Count your lucky stars that you are so young still and that you didn't have children with him.
There is a whole lovely life waiting there for you when you are ready to seize it.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:18:14

Thank you, cutteduppear. I totally hear what you're sayin, and feel it! He made me feel crazy, and will continue to do so I know he will! But then I saw his mother and the way she is, he's only going to turn out just as twisted.

I don't want to sleep with him sad but we did the day I left in the morning. It was like he wasn't there. I would really like to forget all of this hurt x

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:19:18

And I am so embarassed by how he's treated me, my family witnessing it, and for humiliating us all on Facebook like that. I deleted Facebook there and then, and I don't want back.

maleview70 Sun 30-Dec-12 11:33:01

Yes I am. Why do you ask?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:35:54

Because I'd like perspective! I am struggling with the love I have , the decision I've made (or the one that was made for me) and how I can learn to trust a good man again? How can I ever tell a man this? It makes it look like its me

CuttedUpPear Sun 30-Dec-12 11:40:20

OP you're just at the start of a long journey away from your situation. Take it easy and don't expect too much - but every day will be an achievement.

The embarrassment will fade and you will have learned some very important stuff which will make you a better person. I remember friends not understanding why I didn't just walk away from my XP; sometimes you have to have been there to know.

CuttedUpPear Sun 30-Dec-12 11:42:42

I understand your feelings about trust and looking like the blame is with you. But right now you're not yourself anyway.
Give it some time. Of course you will trust and love again, but it will come later when you are ready - it won't be tomorrow but then nor would you want it to be.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:43:03

Oh I know what you mean on that one! He really just doesn't care sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 11:48:02

" how I can learn to trust a good man again? How can I ever tell a man this? It makes it look like its me"

Re trust. You will be more wary with your next relationship and that's natural and healthy. You will spot 'red flags' earlier and you will take your time to get to know someone rather than wearing your heart on your sleeve. You will only give your trust when someone has earned it. All positive

Re telling. You don't actually have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. Back to wearing your heart on your sleeve. Even in a relationship, it doesn't follow that you have to bare all your emotions and secrets. You are entitled to privacy. It is legitimate to say 'I have been hurt in the past' and leave it at that until you can be sure you trust someone.

Re blame. Only you think 'it's you' at the moment. Everyone from your friends and family to the winged monkeys of MN think 'it's him'. Anyone that hears your story and thinks you are to blame for being a victim of domestic abuse..... drop like a hot rock!

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:50:36

Thanks , cogit you've been a lifeline.

I've so far managed not to text for a whole 12 hours!

maleview70 Sun 30-Dec-12 11:51:52

For me women invest alot in relationships. From a very early age you are being told you are a princess and you will marry and have babies etc etc....this becomes a dream and then hopefully reality. When it doesn't work out that way it can be devastating as you are finding. Don't get me wrong men can suffer too in break ups as I have found twice in my life.

What it will teach you is how to spot the next potential abusive man. You will see the signs from an early stage and hopefully learn that you deserve better and will not accept that sort of behaviour.

I may get slammed for this but in my opinion you can tell alot about a person from the upbringing they had and the way their parents are. My two significant exes (one wife, one gf) both had troubled childhoods and I believe their behaviour was influenced by this. My own behaviour in relationahips is heavily influenced by being brought up in a house deviod of love and affection and makes me struggle with intimacy.

You mention the same for your abuser( I'll call him that because ultimately that's what he is).

My current wife had a very loving childhood, parents who still love each other 40 years later and it shows in how stable she is and how she behaves in a relationship.

Clearly there will be people who buck the trend and make fine partners despite their upbringing but I bet if you did some research on this then the most stable partners will have come from the most stable and loving backgrounds. Maybe I am wrong and will be hammered for having this view but it's just the way I see it.

What I am getting at is don't just follow your heart. Follow your head and make sound relationship decisions going forward.

You have time on your side at 26. Learn from this experience and move on in your own time.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 11:56:15

"I've so far managed not to text for a whole 12 hours!"

Then you deserve a reward! Seriously. Think of something nice you could do this afternoon, even if it's just rustling up a cup of tea and flicking through some mags. Make it through to 24 hours, 48 hours, a week of no contact... etc.. and reward yourself again. It's all part of the long process of putting yourself #1 in control your life rather than #2 to an abuser, rebuilding your confidence, repositioning yourself as a worthwhile person that deserves treats and nice things to happen to them.

(BTW the suicide trick is from 'Emotional Abuse for Dummies'... smile V common and about as cheap and nasty as it gets)

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 11:59:05

Male view, thank you. I don't think you're BU. I am from a large family who all remain together and parents been married over 30 years. He had no family, a manipulative mother and didn't speak with excitement about his childhood.

I challenged how his father behaved towards his mother when alive and he too had anger management issues, I never saw that in my father. Infact he's the most mild mannered man I've ever met.

DP , or ex DP I should say complained about our Christmas (at my parents) as he thought we were excessive - my parents hide things and make 'treasure trails'- lol. He accused me of bring ever so selfish to indulge in this. In reality it was maybe a reminder of what he never had, and what he never will have

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 12:00:25

cogit it's killing me not to,, but I know you and everyone else is right!

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 12:01:33

Could anyone who has suffered this eat? Or sleep? 3 days and not even hungry. Or thirsty.

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