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Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

sparklyjumper Sat 02-Feb-13 21:15:18

I'm maybe trying to understand what I never will be able to. I think I need to make peace with the fact it is what it is. That I couldn't have married and had DC with him, and that someday real love and respect will come my way. I tried too hard with him in places, he will never accept what his behaviour was, in the same way i will never understand it..

I can completely relate to that and I'm sure that loads of people can, I am my own worst enemy in trying to dissect everything that happened, every conversation, every thing that was said. Why did he says that, why did he do that, why can't he understand that was wrong.

At least you know that whether it's a year, 5, 10 years from now you will look back on this and just be able to shrug and think 'whatever'.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 03-Feb-13 09:21:16

Hey sparkly... Glad you too see sense in it. It's hard reading it back there, even this morning- despite the fact I wrote it!

I just feel at a bit of a loss with a lot of the behaviour. The association thin is really hard too; I can't watch Sunday brunch (which I love) for example , as I feel physically sick and just see him and I in our living room watching it , as we always did.

I don't doubt this is the right thing to do, it's just doing the right thing is not the easy thing to do. I feel I've wavered so much. Like I said above, I'll never understand it , but I do know it's unacceptable, unsustainable, and no one is deserving of it.

I just wish I didn't miss it anymore. I can't even say him, as he didn't really exist, as has transpired over the last few weeks. There are a lot of MN'ers in a far worse situation than me , however!

Did you wonder how you ever managed to get by day by day?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 03-Feb-13 11:55:09

Urggghhh how could he do this to me, how could he?

sparklyjumper Sun 03-Feb-13 21:30:49

Yep I know what you mean about things reminding you, with my previous ex I could never watch The Bill again, remember The Bill?! Couldn't eat certain foods, go to certain restaurants, it just fades in the end.

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 04-Feb-13 15:19:24

It's ridiculous. I drive to work and I drive past him. I feel prisoner to the pain

SoleSource Mon 04-Feb-13 15:55:49

It is natural Chaos xxx

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 04-Feb-13 18:41:43

Tiresome !!!

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