Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 28-Jan-13 12:54:12

Hi yappy sorry you feel so rubbish about the one date. Consider deleting Facebook altogether to prevent this? I did, I couldn't face the humiliation and false concern ; 30 min after I left 'D'P he deleted me, all my friends , all my family and updated status to single. Nice guy hu?

You don't need to see what the guy puts on there.

I really hope you enjoy the wedding! It will be good for you to celebrate a happy occasion with those you love around you and a great excuse to look, and maybe even begin to feel fabulous, because you are worth more than what you've been through!

I am off work today, head cold, compounded by this nonsense hanging over me. So I called a counsellor and have my first telephone appointment at 1pm, 10 mins!

I was lying here thinking about more of the awful things he did, and how it made me feel, and how in a way, I rewarded his behaviour by allowing it, time and time again. I need to break this cycle so it doesn't shape my future.

I am glad the confidence classes helped you. I was very confident when I met ex, really happy, really good place. Although he chipped away at me, sucked me in and spat me out into a scrap heap in metaphorical terms, I have began to see small glimpses of the zesty and feisty me back in places, where I make myself and others laugh.

Just need to keep plodding on. Told my mum about bad dreams and she told me to think of the dog at bed instead. I did. And what do you know, I dreamt I was walking along with a handsome man and my dog, and he walked past, and it was good!

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 28-Jan-13 13:12:23

Oh sorry I have missed you and hope your counselling goes okay.

I am thinking of deleting facebook, the guy doesn't put up a lot on his page but I seem to have formed a strange attachment to our past, I think I will come off it for a while, I found him on there, sent a silly message immediately thought 'oh no', so left again, forgot about him and joined and again and sure enough there he was.

I try to read a good book at night and think nice thoughts, anything but my Ex tbh! grin

It sounds like yours was full of himself, doing the whole 'facebook public breakup' then getting angry with your for dumping him. Hopefully a year from now you will be so over him!

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 28-Jan-13 20:19:00

Hey yappy was not the greatest; don't think she was rightly qualified, she told me she felt sorry for me?!

Delete, delete, delete; out of sight, out of mind!

Thing is he shouted and swore at me to F off and leave and then ran away, as he always did. Boy was he shocked in the time he'd been away I rung my parents, told them eveything and they were packing up my stuff! The coward ran away again. So I didn't really dump him, wish I did

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 28-Jan-13 20:46:51

Chaos don't kid yourself, if you really wanted to back with him I think you would be, who cares who said what at the end, you made the choice never to go back to being treated this way.

I'm sorry your couselling didn't go well, I am only getting used to my counseller after 5 sessions and to be honest she doesn't help me much at all, I just go and talk lots in the hope to rid myself of this stupid PTSD THING! grin She has no experience of this so has had to educate herself hmm

W.Aid Chaos, book yourself a day off from work, or afternoon and make an appointment for either you to go to them or them to you.

I sometimes wish I could send my support worker to people at times, but I think most of them are the same, I met another 2 and they were the same, these guys (ladies) are on the same wavelength as us and the abuser, I think that is the key to them being so bloody good. I didn't want to call them, to be honest I only phoned them in the hope of getting a house move confused I was just lost, I was coping but not very well, I was going to go back to him until I met my support worker, even then I thought I was wasting her time and was slightly scared of her.

You will probably only meet for an hour or so but bthey are very very helpful. Mine came to see me every 2 weeks to start with, then 4 weeks, I don't know how often it will be now and I have no idea how long the support continues but I think it is for as long as it is needed, I may ask my SW how long she took to get over her abusive partner, she is so together and they can spot an abuser out of crowd of people.

It's what they specialise in. I think this is what you need.

She has helped me out lots,I had some problems at home with DS2 the school wanted to know everything, she came with me and filled in my blanks.
Headteacher read out from something of my sons 'Yappy works here and her Xyuck works as a baker, therefore DS2 has a very stable home-life' hmm

Did you make any arrangements to go see her again at all?

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 28-Jan-13 20:48:33

My mum finds it very difficult to understand why I still ramble on about my X and the situation, I should be over it, I agree and I think I am I just need to get it out of my head now grin

Chaoscarriesonagain Tue 29-Jan-13 17:51:35

I know yappy , but had my parents not intervened I know I would never have had the courage to leave. It upsets me to think he wore me down that much, and to a mere shadow of who I was.

How did the SW spot the abuser? Am so scared of how it's made me feel; like am in the wrong. Like I enabled his behaviour, allowing it, putting up with it. The way I feel is that I could have done more, when in reality , the buck stops with him. I just want to know how the SW will be able to see that? I fear people in RL can't, and that it's me that's the failure.

I feel sad and teary a lot; crying on the way into work, and crying all the way home. What's going on! Someone has not died! He's supposedly 'set me free' by behaving this way and me, like you say, leaving- so why this nonsense? I hate myself for it!

Counsellor will ring again Friday. Although she wasn't particularly helpful, I do feel I've stopped wanting to call him. I know I don't need him, I just loved and wanted him?

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 30-Jan-13 09:20:55

Oh Chaos you sound a bit up and down just now.

You are better off without him. you don't need him, you were however with him for a while so it's going to take time to get over that abusive or non abusive.

I do not know the extents your ex went to (abuse) I know my used a lot of mind games and headworking and this doesn't help a break up at all, that' why I try get people onto NO CONTACT asap, youi need to block the --bastard- ex out, no contact works wonders, imagine you are on your facebook, he find a reltionship, or makes one up, that;s going to hurt.

How do the support workers know an abusive man at a glance? Because they are trained up on them so very well.

Like I say I was going to take my ex back even after he lived with another female, my head was wasted over him, I can honestly say I am finally over him and would most likely spit on him if he came to my door now like he used to, even when he phoned me, if I was sad or angry I had a fake happy smiley voice just for him, now if I hear his voice, my gut reaction is to scream as many foul words at him as possible!

No contact + Womens Aid work wonders. You need to get that fire in your tummy ad be angry at him for messing with your head in this way, then move on from him and know his type and never go there again.

I still do not like 'nice guys' I still need work grin

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 15:38:43

I am so up and down!! Am getting less needy for the contact, and I am doing no contact, cold turkey- whatever you call it, it's hell though, and I don't know if am coming or going!

The telephone counsellor is ringing on Friday .. I'm almost holding into the fact I can hold out and stay strong till then. Am so hurt my him, but I don't know what I expect either! I'll never go back. My father won't even allow me mention his name in the house!

Ex would do mental abuse, put downs, then massive declarations of love on FB and to family. He started throwing me about in frustration , threatening suicide, screaming don't touch me, you name it. It was always all about him. He would wish his wicked mother dead as she was so vile, but then protect her at every opportunity, as that was his inheritance and she was his only family, like I say, she was wicked and I guess he had the gene pool. After the argument on Boxing Day at my parents (between him and mother, nothing to do with me) there was a marked shift in perceptions . She had an hour alone with him and something happened in that hour - he snapped towards me, was that way for days, and all the money he would have owed me was in my bank account the day after I left. He didn't have that money, she did. I hate to think it was all master minded , and is that twisted, but agree it doesn't look good, does it?

How did you contact WA? My local branch website is not great. What's best course of action?

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 30-Jan-13 16:40:26

It sounds like has has gone running to his mum, my ex was his father, called him everything but always ran to him for money.

I thought my local WA was a grotty little place and didn't really know the location, I phoned them a few times over the years at weekends but usually got a volunteer who told me she was at home in her PJ's, she was very helpful and had been in an abusive relationship too. grin Then I called my local office and asked if someone would come and see me and asked if this was a service they had, receptionist said yet ad made an appointment nor 2 weeks later and hat was it, they took over from them on in!

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 18:52:41

He certainly did that yappy!

Am so proud of myself for getting this far, but I am finding it hard to resist calling him. Whey did you do when you felt this?

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 19:07:11

Am just toiling today between getting on and want to speak to all I know : him!!

I know am being ridiculous, and he will only upset me by coldness , tell me am on a time limit as he has a life now and I don't.

I have another dilemma. Friend of mine is his best friends wife and shes been texting. I've been ignoring. Feels too hard. Am I doing the right thing?

SoleSource Wed 30-Jan-13 21:20:54

Helloo smile

Men are pigs!!!

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 30-Jan-13 21:27:46

Yes, yes they are.

Chaoscarriesonagain Thu 31-Jan-13 19:49:24

What a day. Existing not living!

It gets better, surely?

SoleSource Thu 31-Jan-13 19:57:20

Dunno Chaos.

Had fab coupleof weeks, best I have felt about me.for aagges aside from one or two daus.

Me tyre was slashed again. Tjink.its my nutty neighbour.

Chaoscarriesonagain Thu 31-Jan-13 20:57:04

Why would neighbour do that? Awful. Hope you're ok

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 10:34:45

I think I admit defeat on the situation.

Stupidly called him in a moment of weakness and he was awful to me. Cold, nasty. And why did I do that to myself?

I can't cope, I haven't been. Up and down, up and down. Boss is putting major pressure on me to move closer to work and that is the last thing on my mind.

I only want to escape, to sleep, because then am away from it all. Even in my dreams I see him. I can't escape this awful awful life , and I don't know how to.

WA to call me back, I hope they get this more than anyone else. My mother has been screaming at me to snap out of if and to stop dramatising it , but am not. This is the reality

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 10:40:06

I think I've broken completely. 5 weeks today and I feel worse

OverlyYappyAlways Fri 01-Feb-13 17:38:34

Yeah it's a killer Chaos, my ex was nice to be and nasty to me in front of his g.friend, last time he screamed at me, it didn't hurt at all, last February he screamed at me and it hurt.

I still think you may need some counselling to move on. Keep talking, I know people think your banging on about 'the past' I get it too, 2 years on I say nothing about my ex unless he is brought up which very rarely happens unless it's to laugh at my crap marriage.

I'm sorry he was vile to you but I'm also pleased, kill off any nice feelings you may have had for him. I am sorry you are suffering, you need to gt busy and keep occupied, I know it's tricky. Would your job move be away from him?

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 20:01:20

Hey yappy thanks for coming by, today has been a killer.

I had WA counsellor but as nice as she was, it was very quick, and it was over with call if you ever need to... Well I need to all the time! Other counsellor rung too... And she just hums and has!

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 01-Feb-13 20:04:05

Slowly trying to kill off the niceties; he even said that 'we lost our magic' (like its all my fault) and I deserve better, he didn't want to 'fight tooth and nail for something he didn't believe in', that hurt like hell. It's a continual hurt, hurt hurt. Spoke all about himself not once ask about me. He didn't have any respect for me!!!!!

I think I have to move, away from this. The association is everywhere. And nothing feels the same anymore. It has killed my love affair with the city, but all it has is memories of a life I used to lead..

sparklyjumper Fri 01-Feb-13 21:00:41

Hi chaos, I think it's normal to feel worse after 5 weeks, it really does get worse before it gets better. When you first break up you get caught in all the drama, you're angry, running on adrenaline, but now things have settled you're pining for him, you've put your rose coloured specs on.

I read this book recently Getting past your breakup and the author describes breakng up like going through a grief process. Your mind is coping with a HUGE change, so you naturally start to look for what you've lost hence why you've called him. Do you have a kindle? You should read the book if only for a distraction it really is quite soothing.

I've been where you are with my ex and my ex ex, and it's always around this time that you start wanting to speak to them, because the hurt you're feeling seems to outweigh the hurt you felt when you were with them.

I'm wondering whether it's a bit early for counselling, on the WA website it mentions that sometimes counselling isn't helpful immediately after the end of an abusive relationship and you might need to leave some time.

OverlyYappyAlways Sat 02-Feb-13 07:47:56

It's going to take time Chaos, my moved out in September and all I remeber of Sept - July was crying a lot, going to bed at 7.30pm with my DC and constantly asking doctor for more pills. The boys went on hols in the July, I had a date, then small relationship type thing that lasted about 1 month and I cannot remember much else except having the random date here and there when I felt lonely.

Like I have said a few times I didn't actually get over my ex until last year, that two years but I was with him for 16.

It's going to hurt, I think I have the Paul McKenna Book somewhere How TO Heal your Broken Heart, previous to that was reading How to Save a Marriage by Marriage Builders so as you can see I was very confused.

I think I have said this but just because he was/is abusive does not belittle your relationship, you need to grieve for that. I called my ex before Christmas, I wanted to know if he sounded happy or sad, he sounded happy. I do not know what even possessed me to call him. SO would have been no use when you called him, my best advice wold be delete his number, I deleted my exs but still have the g. friends one.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 02-Feb-13 12:39:08

sparkly I bought the book you recommended on kindle last night and I have to say, it's really helping, so thank you. I read the lundy Bancroft book some weeks ago, but think it was too soon in, and may have to revisit it.

I think you may be right about the counselling being early too. I am still trying to readjust . I understand wholly that the break up had to happen; sooner or later. I know his behaviour was terrible towards me, and often. Perhaps what I find hardest is his initiation, and my lack of Borg control and self respect in face of the abuse - and for so long.

I'm maybe trying to understand what I never will be able to. I think I need to make peace with the fact it is what it is. That I couldn't have married and had DC with him, and that someday real love and respect will come my way. I tried too hard with him in places, he will never accept what his behaviour was, in the same way i will never understand it..

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 02-Feb-13 12:42:19

yappy sorry you felt so guff about that. I totally get the compulsion to ring aswell! I guess it is the grieving process, and there must be some comfort in the fact that we are/have facing up to the reality, and so that the pattern doesn't continue into a new relationship.

I have deleted him. But kinks numbers off by heart! The twunt text me a you tube link of a song he liked last night that was all about people getting it on?! Sensitive, hu?!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now