Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 00:47:16

Sorrywas away for a bit. There is no right or wrong to what you are feeling. Confusion over wanting to help someone and not give up is pretty hard gk deal with alone so you turn to the person again. But they cannot and will not be tbe person you want them to be. You have to be really strong now because you could spend another year with them like i did. Took me a while to get out of the cycle. Thank god i did. Now with someone who is kind and caring but needed time to myself and with friends to get throuh and be strong and happy again. Hope you manage to sleep this eve.

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 07:25:45

Did you get any sleep or rest Chaos?
Are you thinking any differently at all to last night?

amillionyears Sun 30-Dec-12 07:27:56

Have you had any relationships with people doing bad behaviour before?
I have other questions if you want them.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 09:33:32

Thank you everyone. Cogit, that's just it, I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't right but I just couldn't go, I loved him (and do) so much that I wanted to make it right, wanted to help him.

I knew I had to have the courage to admit it, and I did. But when my dad told me to jump in my car and drive to my parents I just couldn't. I just couldn't and can't accept the failure. And that its on his terms, this was never my choice. I still crave him so bad.

You're right, I did text him saying I missed him. I did last night and I still do today. He said ghd same. None of it makes sense and because I really can't eat or sleep I can't focus on anything. I have so much to sort but I can't deal with it, it worries me. This is not the person I used to be.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 09:36:17

Hi amillionyears. No sleep at all. Still struggling to cope with everything and with the fact the end of the year is nigh tomorrow.

I've had relatively ok relationships before. There was a lovely guy who was a fool drunk, but I grew out of it. Sadly one who cheated, and another who I suspect to have been. I certainly have been hurt before and struggle with loss and rejection. My now ex knew this and I was in such a good place when I met him. I wonder if that was part of the attraction.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 09:52:21

"I have so much to sort but I can't deal with it, it worries me. This is not the person I used to be."

In the middle of a traumatic situation, few of us are the person we used to be. The trick is to work out what kind of person you don't want to be. I'd suggest what you don't want to be is the grovelling type, pathetically grateful for a crumb of attention from an abusive man, willing to forget all your values & sacrifice your self-respect for the sake of a bit of cock.... hmm

So decide what you don't want, make it difficult for yourself to get in touch (by turning off the phone etc), get plenty of rest, consciously eat properly (even if you don't feel hungry) and be with people who love you.

madgered Sun 30-Dec-12 09:54:09

I know how you are feeling. it's hell isn't it. But like previous posters have mentioned, you are going through a grieving period. I hope you are getting some weekly counseling too. I've been doing that and I've also upped my exercise regime, eating healthily and surrounding myself with positive stimuli. the nights are the worst, waking up at 3am and dwelling and brooding. I don't have an answer for that problem.
I think my biggest fear is the future, the great unknown, how will I cope, I will be so lonely etc. a wise friend said to me "Step out of your comfort zone, that's when the magic happens". It's scary, I know. but you sound lovely and all this angst and mental self mutilation is not worth it . Take care x

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 09:59:40

Thank you both. I hope I can begin to see through this cloud soon. I am brooding and waking and thinking only of the good times. But then forgetting how they were closely followed by some of the lowest times of my life. I became someone who cried at everything and he blamed me for being such a wailing baby, and I believed I was. My mind and body were warning me. I am fortunate to have lovely thick and glossy hair, and it snapped - my hairdresser was horrified. My exema on my hands has resurfaced and I've comfort ate and drank myself for at least a year. I can see all that was wrong, and I truly can. I just want to see more of that when I get clouded by the 'why did he do this to me' 'how could he' 'what about our love, hopes and dreams'- everything I believed we could be and were. I am having to accept to all never was. And that's why am feeling so, so low x

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:05:39

Magered, am sorry to hear of your situation.

The naive part of me just can't believe how this happens! I thought before meeting him that you had to be a certain 'type' to get involved in this, to buy it, to live with it. Oh how wrong and judgey pants was I? I have realised that this can, will, and sadly does happen to all sorts of women, all from different walks of life.

I need to stop trying to understand and rationalise with someone who doesn't rationalise. His mother is an incredibly manipulative, difficult and wicked woman. I don't say any of this lightly, I have seen it with my own eyes, and I thought no, no, it isn't that bad. Until my whold family saw the relationship between mother and son and the zany dynamic this brought. I suppose the warning signs were always there, j just clutched into this man as he was so perfect on the outside and honestly? I was in a great place and felt he was the missing part in my jigsaw.

Now I know he messed that jigsaw up, and only I can piece it together.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:09:22

I understand what you say too about the future. Right now am refusing to acknowledge that I have to start thinking about it. Am in denial about it, and I think it's just the shock.

My DP said all the right things, the things that made my heart warm and I miss hearing them and seeing him. But he could never back his words up by actions.

My parents have a great relationship and I used to always look to my dad and say to DP that my father would never dream if treating my mother the way he did me. But he continued, and I let if all happen. And I still love this person, why?!

olympicvibes Sun 30-Dec-12 10:10:26

You might never understand him or really know why he acted the way he did. You cant fix him. It is up to him to do that. Your confidence and independance have taken a kicking so it is vry difficult to make decisions that take you further away from him because he was controlling you. But you can and will build yourself up again with help from family and good friends.
Do you feel like you did the chasing to stay in touch or tried to support him no matter what was happening- but he decided when to open up to you? Did he keep you waiting for emotional responses or stop taking calls/ shut off in some other way? If he did, you have become used to accepting less than the bare minimum and this is why it is so important to use this time to remember you can't accept that anymore.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:18:13

I always chased, I always fought for him, I always maintained I saw the good in him and would never give up on him. He has no family bar manipulative mother, and I mean no family. I think he perhaps envied my large family. All of whom I have now told, as we visited them often. No one bar my father saw him for what he was. Everyone feels shocked, as he was always the perfect gentleman around others.

I waited on him, hand and foot, and waited for him. I tried so hard to be the perfect wife, cooking fresh dinners very niht and running a spotless house and life full of plans for others.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:19:56

" And I still love this person, why?!"

Because love isn't rational. If you think about it, people love all kinds of random and silly stuff. Think of all the vicious pets people not only put up with but treasure and sob over besides. When the abusive man in my life left me I still had feelings for him for a surprisingly long time. We'd been together 12 years and I'd had to defend him against all-comers (my family didn't like him) & see him through various self-imposed 'crises'. So there was a lot of emotional investment plus, like you, there were some really good times. When it was wrenched away it took a long time for rational feelings like anger and indignation to take their rightful place and the irrational affection to subside.

So don't expect miracles after only a few days... just recognise your feelings for what they actually are i.e. a hangover from a very unhealthy misplaced optimism rather than genuine love.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:21:35

"I tried so hard to be the perfect wife,"

That's why you're struggling because you're still in that 'how can I please you?' mind-set. You still think that if you can be perfect again, he'll stop hitting you.... That's not love, of course, that's a survival mechanism

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:24:42

Yes , it was very misplaced. It has been such a huge shock to my system; admitting it, going, and seeing his lack of care for my feelings and basic respect for my family and I.

I feel that I never knew the man at all.

I am sitting procrastinating over a voucher given to us for Christmas for an overnight stay at our favourite hotel. Worrying that in all of this there HAS to be someone else for him to switch, and that he may take someone else to our place.

I am really not coping. Are i

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:25:39

From Wikipedia

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy, sympathy and have positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness

Replace the words 'hostages' and 'captors' with 'partners' and that's your relationship in a nutshell, I'd say. "Mistaking lack of abuse for kindness" is what keeps a lot of abused women trapped.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:27:43

"he may take someone else to our place."

And what if he does? Take his next victim to a hotel? You know how he operates now. Starts with nice hotels and best gentlemanly behaviour but in a relatively short space of time has her running around like a skivvy, anxious to please him, falling into the same trap you just escaped. Maybe you should leave a note at reception telling the poor cow to run while she still has the chance?....

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:28:21

It's so true, cogit. Why did he make me feel so crazy for it?

I have heard from a mutual friend that he has said he didn't treat me the way he should have, or the way I deserved. It's a relief that he admits that, but why didn't he? I feel low as I don't know what I did to deserve this.

In your experience, did you have a eureka moment? As you say your family didn't like him, why ? Did they too see what my father saw in him?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:30:21

I just don't want to feel like am being so easily replaced sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:39:26

"As you say your family didn't like him, why ? Did they too see what my father saw in him?"

My family saw straight through my ex for the miserable, spoilt brat that he was. Simple as that. Whereas I enjoyed the racy lifestyle that he introduced me to (his family were quite well-to-do), thought his personal problems could be fixed by my love <boak> and.... like all stupid young women... thought my family were simply being boring kill-joys that knew nothing about anything. So I hid the worse aspects of our relationship for fear of hearing 'I told you so', tried desperately to make him happy and ended up in a right mess.

I did not have a eureka moment, sadly, because he left me for someone else. Ironic in the circumstances. Took me a long time to feel angry so I do understand where you're at and why I'm encouraging you to stay separate, be strong and put yourself first. You've only wasted 2 years... I wasted 12.

Jemma1111 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:40:53


Your'e bound to feel the way you do at the moment because as others have said, you will be missing the life that you hoped you would have had with him. Its hard to realize that he is not who you thought it was, he's an abusive bully and that will never change.

Keep reading on mn and I also advise you to read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that'. Also keep yourself busy by meeting up with friends/family. In time you will be so glad you got rid of him and you will have peace of mind again.

Just to add, please change your mobile number so he can't use his manipulative charm to worm his way back into your life.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:43:02

It all sounds a bit close to home, ie like my story.

I still have some items in the house and outer buildings and held onto keys until I received money - which he swiftly credited into my bank account.

How do I get these items? He's got such a potential to be nasty/or nice.

He cries a lot too, is that normal, I fear it's self pity?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:45:14

"I just don't want to feel like am being so easily replaced "

Pride means that no-one likes to feel that. However, looking at your relationship as an outsider, it seems that you've spent two years thinking he's 'the one', gearing yourself up as the perfect partner (even referring to yourself as 'wife' I notice), probably thinking ahead to children and how you're going to be the white haired old couple holding hands on the promenade? Whereas he's seen you more as OK to keep his bed warm and run around after him while it suits but otherwise no big deal..... hence why he treated you with contempt and why he's moved so swiftly on. I know how you feel and it's not nice at all.

Mind my asking how old you are?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 30-Dec-12 10:45:46

Hi Jemma. I'll never go back, am just struggling with the realisation that all of this was infact very little. He got so angry at me fit the littlest things, like crumbs on the floor.

The first thing he did after I took my stuff with the assistance of my parents and once we had left was to call mutual friends and to get his side in. He then (within 30 mins) deleted me off Facebook and all my friends and family. I thought that was really nasty and hurtful and showed where his priorities were sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 10:47:49

"He cries a lot too, is that normal, I fear it's self pity?"

Not self-pity... manipulation & button-pushing. Using fake emotion to evoke a sympathetic response. Crocodile tears. You're lucky... some go so far as to threaten suicide when you talk about leaving! For the items in the house, ask your Dad or a friend to go along and get them. Very important you keep your distance.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: