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Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

JustFabulous Wed 09-Jan-13 11:04:29

It is much too early to even think about being with someone else imho. 24 hours ago you didn't even know if you were carrying his baby! When the right person does come into your life it will be easy, natural and have no need for you to worry.

Do not even think about him being with anyone else. Be grateful it isn't you being abused.

When a relationship ends it is nearly always painful and you will be devastated but stop grieving for what you thought you had. It didn't excist. Be happy you are away from what it was.

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 09-Jan-13 12:08:37

I know you're both right, am just still in shock?

What did you do to Make you abstain from contact?

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 09-Jan-13 12:39:04

It is all a bit early you are possible in shock.

It was easier for me as we didn't work together, it took me a while though but I cut my X off completely via solicitors letter asking to refrain from coming to the house and make arrangement with a contact center to see his Dc... he has yet to do this.

My X used to pop up all the time asking if 'all was forgiven' I got sick of it this time last year, had lawyers involved, he then tried to get my BBmessenger number, ignored that, then he tried to get to me thought my son, so we changed his number, then he tried through my parents, another letter, and now apparently as on Monday.

My X does not like me and our reltionship

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 09-Jan-13 12:41:39

Sorry I pressed post by accident,

AS of Monday I had a letter stating

Due to the (disgusting,vile and horrible) history of our client and your client our client seeks no contact with your client whatsoever.

na na na na na grin

I just hope he means it this time tbh.

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 09-Jan-13 13:35:52

I hope so for you too!!!

He sounds a bad man. My ex is too (weird calling him an ex!)

You're right, it's been very shocking. I've been naughty and not done any work today, instead I've changed addresses on eveything and am looking up new furniture for my room at parents!

OverlyYappyAlways Wed 09-Jan-13 15:39:25

Change you bedroom around if you can, buy some flowers for somewhere, small things to make you happy.

We've recently moved house, I love my X has never been here. I cannot call mine an ex.. it's too good for him, him makes him seem like a 'normal' ex. confused It's either X, boys donor, or exbast....

I did go OTT with the clearing him out also, I threw out our joint everything, I need a new bin, new chopping board, new recycling bin, I have bought new knives, cutlery etc.. yes I went OTT, stick to the clothes, maybe not all the bedding like I did I need to buy more of that too now...and pictures grin I had to buy a new quilt too, never mind.

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 09-Jan-13 16:12:05

It's expensive, but it's money well spent.

My hair has gone so Ming with the stress!

SoleSource Wed 09-Jan-13 20:12:09

Chaos xxx hellooo

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 09-Jan-13 20:47:40

Hello sole! Xx

Chaoscarriesonagain Wed 09-Jan-13 21:14:57

Today has been ok...

No major dramas. Ate a packet of crisps, hurrah! Laughed at something on the tele!

Family busy organising a big wedding (the irony) and I only got slightly carried away in thought remembering only in July ex and I had a road trip away which truly was one of the most memorable and fun few days. But then I realised it always was like that away from home. Sad face

SoleSource Wed 09-Jan-13 22:07:23

I am watching The Notebook. Would love a good ole blart bht incapable.

You sre more than just functioning now Chaos. Slowly, slowly. You seem a little better. We're here xx

What have people in rl had to.say of late about IT? smile

Chaoscarriesonagain Thu 10-Jan-13 10:42:11

The notebook is devastating!!!

People have just said that he will always let me down, which has become such a sad reality x

JustFabulous Thu 10-Jan-13 13:28:21

Hi Chaos

Don't give too much time to thinking and talking about him. He isn't worth it. You made your decision, the right decision, and you need to carry on with your life now.

Chaoscarriesonagain Thu 10-Jan-13 14:11:24

I am fabulous, thanks for all your support

SoleSource Fri 11-Jan-13 18:22:33

Chaos how are you today
Stops and starts, bumps in the road,.ups then downs

All normal xx

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 11-Jan-13 22:47:13

Hello! I feel I have gained a lot from the past two days; an ability to eat slightly more and sleep too!

I've been able to properly think about the WHOLE relationship (and not just the fluffy bits!!!)

I've realised there was so much to it that I hid, that I knew wasn't right, and most importantly that I couldn't change it, nor was it my fault.

I've been advised from colleagues that he regularly 'loses the plot' with his staff, and openly. Whilst its shocking, it is of some comfort that others may too see the monster.

I am well out of there!

I have also began to really lose the urge to get in touch with him as I've realised just how nasty he as a person truly is.

SoleSource Fri 11-Jan-13 22:52:13

Takes me ages to get over any sort of relatio.ship once it has ended. sad

At least you are not like that if you are being honrst Chaos..

Be yourself here ok? X

Chaoscarriesonagain Fri 11-Jan-13 23:05:59

Being completely honest. I realised I can't dwell on this, it will , and has made me sick.

He's not who I thought he was. The person I loved didn't exist. I grieved solid for days, I can't possibly continue to woefully sit in a corner wishing something that never was.

I acted like someone died, when in fact this has set me free. I couldn't see it at the time, but the subsequent actions and processing the whole relationship have allowed me logic (where previously there was none) enough to see that this is the right thing. And that my life will go on

Am not minimising how much it all hurt, and still does in places; hurts like hell. But there is a new dawn here and I've been given a chance away from worry of his moods, MIL reaction, hurt, aggression, put downs, violence...

My head is clearer, my mind feels more reasonable and I want to start living again. And that's the honest truth about if.

Maybe I sound quite matter of fact (I am very clear cut as a person when in the right frame)!!

It's been two weeks; not a life time, but long enough to see it for what it really was.

SoleSource Fri 11-Jan-13 23:28:27


You are freexxx

JustFabulous Sat 12-Jan-13 17:39:54

<waves pom poms>

I am so relieved you weren't pregnant. I would hate to speak out of turn but please make sure that isn't an issue in future relationships until you are 100% sure about them.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 12-Jan-13 18:19:58

Not speaking out of turn at all, fabulous. I really appreciate the honesty.

I became so fixated that it was right, I ignored all the red flags.

I purchased the lundy Bancroft book today, looking forward to reading it having seen some of the reviews,

It's funny how I've slipped into a life that is 'me before him' , I've completely lost the urge to hear from him. The more time goes in the more episodes I remember that frighten me I.e. I often have sneezing (fits) 7 in a row, for example. He used to shout and berate at me for sneezing more than twice - despite it being involuntary!!!! Previous flames thought it was cute! What a bad man

SoleSource Sat 12-Jan-13 18:21:06

Is this your first abusive relationship Chaos?

JustFabulous Sat 12-Jan-13 18:30:41

It just fills me with horror at the thought of you being tied to this man for ever through a baby.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 12-Jan-13 18:34:25

I had a long term bf years ago who was a bit or an arse drunk and said some interesting things, but I would say this really is the first abusuve relationship, yes.

I seem to have just snapped in my mind about the she thing and have made plenty plans (bar tonight) and feel like there is someone out there someday for me who will love and respect me.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 12-Jan-13 18:34:56

*she is meant to be whole!

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