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Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:06:10

Thank you, kingbeat. Such kind and honest words clearly from the heart.

Am doing the crying , over and over.

I can't wait for the laughter. And I know it will come.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:09:18

Your love being reciprocated.
Yes, I expect so. I think though that people love at different levels.

I also think people change while in a relationship.
Not meaning you. But people find it easy to love their partner when things are going swimmingly, but love can get lost even by circumstances, let alone anything else.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 29-Dec-12 22:11:36

"Why do I want to be with him?"

It's because of the way abusers, bullies or whatever you want to call it keep you trapped in the relationship in the first place. They create an unhealthy obsession in their victims by treating them very badly whilst all the time dangling a bit of affection just out of reach. So you've been living in a distressed state for quite some time, trying to please him, excusing the bad behaviour, hoping he'd turn back into the nice guy you first met, craving his love & affection, and what you're experiencing now is just more of the same.

It's a destructive and vicious circle and the only way to break it is to do what you've done, get out of the loop, let the obsession subside and let your real feelings come through

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:11:50

I understand what your saying, amillionyears. There's a lot of sense in that approach, and it's the approach (had I been an outsider looking in) I would have been so sure I would have taken,..

However! I became worn down by the EA, struggled with the love I had, changed who I was, allowed myself to by manipulated and pretty quickly this intelligent , strong willed and determined person (me) let it all happen. Time and time again.

Reading it back, I can't believe it either. It sounds pathetic and I do feel ashamed that I couldn't walk when logically I should have made that move,

The love is another story! It's hard, and its hard knowing that in retrospect it was not reciprocated in the same way by DP. It will make it incredibly hard to love and trust again, I just would like to still believe in it and for this man not to have killed chaos' spirit!

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:13:11

Cogit, that's just it. It's realising I loved a bully. It didn't even occur to me until yesterday.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:15:29

Amillionyears, yes TOTALLY. He could never deal with the hard times, only the good. His ability to cope in situations was limited. I realised that I am the sort who was prepared to fight for it (although that point aside it was a bad relationship and I had to leave), my point is I believe relationships have to be accepting of the good and bad! He wasn't

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 29-Dec-12 22:18:38

Some of the nicest people you'll meet turn out to be shits. smile There ought to be a law that they should go around in a 'I'm A Nasty Little Wanker' t-shirt or something so that we can spot them and not waste so much of our time. In the meantime, this article I found recently highlights some of the early-warning signs to look out for. Bet you recognise quite a few.

Life's a learning process. Shit happens and the only time to feel that you've failed is if you learn nothing from the mistakes. Yes, you'll not trust a man quite so naively again but that's not a bad thing.

olympicvibes Sat 29-Dec-12 22:21:09

Oh chaos I honestly could have written your post 5 years ago. It sounds like you have finally had enough. You have probably been unable to make decisions for a while but your family will look after you.
Pud is right- you will begin to see things differently but it takes time. You can pm me if you want-anytime.
My ex also closed down but that was his problem. You are dealing with your emotions while he may never do that. Its not about him anymore- now you can truly start to think about yourself and you will do. Right now it will hurt. I never thought i would let someone do that to me either. Believe me, emotional abusers are clever, manipulative damaged people. You just got out. It took me a good few more months after calling my family to start realising what had happened in the 3 years I was in it; lots of mixed emotions and trying to work out why or deal with heartbreak. You'll be ok, you really will. And then you will be good...then doing really well. You basically just took the hardest step so well done.
Wishing you all the best x

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:22:43

Thanks , cogit. 'The law of blame eventually falls to the closest person'- that's so true. I was the punchbag

HettySunshine Sat 29-Dec-12 22:26:20

There's a book by C.S. Lewis called 'A Grief Observed' the first line is 'No one ever told me grief felt so like fear.'

What you are feeling is completely, completely natural. it's terrifying to find yourself alone after being in the security of a relationship, even a bad one, and to build up a rosy version of your exdp.

What you're doing is right, tell a few trusted friends and let them pass the news on quietly to others.

Know that what you are feeling is normal but what someone said above sounds like really good advice, whenever you get the desire to be back with him remind yourself of how unhappy you were.

Think of 2013 as being your year of being free, don't rush into another relationship, catch up with your friends and do something brand new. Why not? It's your year!


Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:32:05

Thanks , Hetty. All of what you say, and all the other OPs makes so much sense!

I just have to holding onto it, lose the urge to call him and stop fantasising about who I thought he was and hid he smelled and the good times. I'm between blindsided and numb with the severity and the speedy nature by which it has all taken.

I know logically that the hurt will ease

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:34:58

Thanks , Hetty. All of what you say, and all the other OPs makes so much sense!

I just have to holding onto it, lose the urge to call him and stop fantasising about who I thought he was and hid he smelled and the good times. I'm between blindsided and numb with the severity and the speedy nature by which it has all taken.

I know logically that the hurt will ease

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:36:54

I dont think your spirit has been killed Chaos. Dented, but not killed.

Can I ask, and this may be a hard bit, do you think you have been abused in relationships before?
Not sure now is quite the right time to think about that. Up to you.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 22:39:05

No, never until this. It's taken me so long to realise and accept it for what it is .

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:52:57

You are in emotional shock.
Not to mention the practicalities that have to be worked out.
Glad you have family and friends to help you through.
You will get through.
It sounds like you will rediscover some of the old you.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 23:00:42

I really hope so. Am lying in bed unable to sleep for second night just grieving for him. I don't suppose he cares for me in the same war. Either way, it is very hard sad

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 23:05:07

Perhaps you should ask yourself, whether you would have him back??

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 23:10:47

My heart says YES. My head NO! Parents would kill me. And I know what's happened is far from right, am pining. I just texted sad why did I do that. I feel so pathetic and down trodden. I just want him , the old him. But that's just it. He didn't change, it's who he is and that's what am struggling to accept.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 23:17:34

hmm. What was he like with other people and other relationships he may have had?
I am sorry but I may have to go to bed at this point.
If I do, I hope someone else comes along, or that you are able to get some rest, if not some sleep.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 23:19:02

His ex had issue with MIL , talk of anger management issues. Don't think to the level I've experienced, but never too sure. Night OP, and thank you x

olympicvibes Sat 29-Dec-12 23:22:09

I really do understand and am so sorry you are going through this pain. Look after yourself. Please please dont beat yourself up. You are a good person who has been treated very badly. Hugs.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 23:24:47

Thank you OP. it's hard, all I think of is what he's doing and how he's feeling. I just want to hug the very person who wanted this situation , and the one who has been pretty awful to me . (Although am not perfect) I will it to get easier sad

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 23:47:41

Anyone out there?

AbigailAdams Sun 30-Dec-12 00:07:38

Chaos, you have done the right thing and it will get easier. If, for some reason, you went back to him now then leaving again would be so much harder. And he won't change. He is abusive. As Cogito said earlier in the thread you are grieving for what you thought the relationship could become not for what it actually was. Your relationship will never be how you want it because he is abusive. There is nothing you can do about that. Absolutely nothing.

Go easy on yourself. Abusive men are manipulative. That is how they get you to fall in love with them. That is how they get to be abusive. Hold in there and one day in the future (probably not that far away either) you will think "what on earth did I see in him". The longer you stay away and in the company of people who support you, the more you will see this man for what he is, not what you want him to be.

Giving you a virtual hug here.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 30-Dec-12 00:38:51

Switch your phone off and get some sleep. When you get up in the morning keep your phone off and busy yourself doing something absorbing, preferably with people who are not bringing you down talking about the break-up all the time. So important that you start to own this situation not 'because my parents would kill me' but because you really think it is the best thing to do and you want to be independent from this abusive man. I don't think you're there yet at all... you seem to be saying that you've only left because they swooped in and rescued you?

To get past where you are now I think you have to exert some control and that's going to be not simply over him and your parents (well-meaning though they are) but over yourself. It's going to involve a BIG effort to keep moving one pace forward and away from him each day. This is the DANGER PERIOD where you are feeling lonely and vulnerable. If you end up 'following your heart', texting etc, he'll get his manipulative claws into you, you'll go back and you'll regret it.

So go off grid until you're feeling stronger. House-phone only for genuine friends. Leave the mobile out of reach.

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