Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 19:17:02

Blocked completely? Fucking done!!!!! I have my shit and my money, and apparently not very eloquent language!!!

Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 19:28:28

wine Heres to you Chaos wine smile

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:32:30

Happened to me bht long time ago but you are helping me fathom my feelings, you are so clever and clear xxx you will be just.fine eventually xx

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 19:34:02

Well I've realised that it makes fools out of a lot of us and that abuse is a serious, serious thing.

I never thought it could happen to me. And I never admitted until a few days ago it had.

The good times I can now see were only round the corner from the bad. Horrendous!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:41:53

Never, ever go back

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 19:46:56

never am sitting in my room at parents admiring my 18 year old self.. And somehow it doesn't all seem so bad!!!!

I have something that he is incapable of showing, and that's real love.

Am not sorry for being who I was with him, am just sorry that he could be never appreciate and give me that back.

He'll never get the opportunity to do this to me again. It's funny when look back at the past couple of years and how we came about.

We need to create a whole new word for over!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:51:37

Are you 18 or looking at photos?

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 19:55:26

Ha ha no, not 18! Just all my furniture, photos on the wall and bed linen are from a relatively carefree time.

It's comforting! My parents never let us sleep in same bed at theirs so at least he's not in this room!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:55:54

Your mind/emotions will be changing day to day. The freedom programme is something I need to do. I wonder what it actuallyrntails. Have you tjought about therapy? Bedt 40 a week I spent.

Come find,/joinis on tbe swrary thread.

Anything goes.

Have a good swear, moan, talk about you/him, make new intetweb mates.

Join if you dare???

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 19:56:53

Oh hes tneghost of him..will be there domewhere where you dwell.

We shall fuck


Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 19:58:40

You know the bastard even had the ordass to state I had a chipped nail and I'd have to fix that for tonight! How dare he! Of course i had a chipped nail! I've not exactly been on cloud fucking 9 worrying about a manicure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 20:03:15

Prick cuntgt

What else?


Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 20:04:03

Not thought about therapy. It was recommended to me some years ago after I had a bad car accident about getting back into car etc. if sm honest I didn't feel it helped me, I have a pretty sarcastic mind and wouldn't rand if seriously enough. I couldn't look st things different written down. I tend to grieve for things for so long then have a eureka moment! I think I've had my moment and realised enough is enough with the tears and punishment

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 20:04:39

Curse the day he was born!!!

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 20:06:04

Yeah come to the swear safe place noone looks there, I have an abusive exbastard such a bastard he cannot just be an ex those 2 letters make him resemble.. a normal X....

I am even touching my toes into a weird dating thing and my head is all fluffy and confused... progress imo, getting fluffy over any man!

Sole get your arse to that Freedom Programme, I cannot express the help my support worker and programmes and other females have given me those guys make me bordering on fluffy also...

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 20:06:43

Depends on tbe therapist. Mine was upper middle class, serious, old school. Very good. Try again. First session always free, if not don't go.

SoleSource Mon 31-Dec-12 20:07:57

Chaos come to sweary

Feel ok

Read yappys posts lol

Love you yappy xxxx

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 20:09:32

Atta girl get all angry and fire in your tummy!

Bad move abusing and pushing.... not good, good men do not do this! They choose not to!

I have 2 books I think, and you do can the course from home,PM your details I will send you one if you want, Sole you have my other ones, its a bit dirty though and been wet via my car windows etc etc... blush Once everyone goes back to opening shops on a daily basis!

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 31-Dec-12 20:58:04

What's the freedom programme?

yappy thanks for your kind words, I am quite new, and don't know how to PM, help!!!

OverlyYappyAlways Mon 31-Dec-12 21:12:36

It's through Womens Aid but you can do it from home, I was offered this as I a bit difficult to get out of the house now, I did it from home but was too tricky for me, I went off out and done it in a group and I totally listened and took this book in.

I shall Pm you tomorrow I need to pretend to go sleep as my DS2 keeps making tents, trapping cats and running around my head... its getting a little bit annoying now!

SleepySquirrel Mon 31-Dec-12 21:29:50

Dear Chaos. I am recently separated after many years marriage. I feel your pain, and everything you feel. Some days I can hardly move or breathe for the ache. I cant seem to summon up all the crap stuff about how he was at the end, am yearning for the happy times - made me cry when you said 'see him, smell him and kiss him'. And you ARE in mourning, but it will get better - and someone will love you as you deserve to be loved. Take care

Jellykat Mon 31-Dec-12 21:34:11

I did the freedom programme, it was amazing meeting other women who had been through the same as me. Much laughter, some tears, much support and met some brilliant women - all confidential of course for safety, so a lot of respect and trust in place..

I then went on to do 'The Recovery toolkit' programme (still with Womens Aid)
which was about us as individuals (not our abusers), it included info about assertiveness, boundaries and self esteem. It was an incredible experience!

The Freedom Prog. is a rollover programme, usually one morning/afternoon a week (think its @ 9 weeks?), the Recovery toolkit is the same but 12 weeks long. I shall never forget what i learnt. You get a lot of printed handouts to keep for future reference.

Chaos if you ring WA, you can find out where your nearest is, and when the next batch of sessions start, its all free.

Allergictoironing Mon 31-Dec-12 23:00:46

Oh my I need to go out for a few hours more often - I come home to find Chaos has turned the corner into angry Chaos! Yay congrats hun, you sound a LOT happier grin

Chaoscarriesonagain Tue 01-Jan-13 01:57:03

Thank you everyone. Had a non descript happy ny message that said just that.

It's pathetic, he's round at mutual friends, managed to get his shit together pretty quick, do the shop and has had one or ten and happy new year is the best he can manage, at 12.25?! Mutual friend managed a text at midnight. It's been an eye opener to his priorities!!!

I am still not eating, although am trying. Still struggling to sleep, but today has brought me acceptance and peace. I have had a whole 2 gins and spent it with family and honestly? Even though I cried, it's been the best new year yet. The words I've heard from those around me have been of great comfort, including all those on MN.

Am not going to text back, it doesn't merit a response. This is who he is and I deserve more!

Happy new year!!!!

Chaoscarriesonagain Tue 01-Jan-13 01:58:47

I feel a bit bugged that he's managed to 'just get on with it', but I know I've grieved for it properly and can now begin the process (which I hope is not too long!!!) of the next journey. Without him.

Bye bye so called mr perfect, you ain't all that

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now