Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Heartbroken and struggling to cope

(782 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 18:25:48

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 18:29:30

Hi chaos. Sorry to hear all this.
Dont have much experience, but wanted to post.

I expect you are grieving.
And grieving takes time.

In time, you will probably be able to fathom everything out a lot better.
Meanwhile, take care.

Do you have children? You dont have to answer that if you dont want to.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 29-Dec-12 18:31:27

You will look back and realise that this was the only sensible solution to this. If this was a friend of yours, what would you be telling her?! That she had had a lucky escape I bet. Of course you will be grieving, a relationship has come to an end, but not a good relationship. Its a New Year next week - New Year, new start!! Good luck xx

suburbophobe Sat 29-Dec-12 18:33:02

You are bound to be feeling raw at the moment, so go easy on yourself.

Meanwhile read up on everything you can about abusive behaviour, including "Stockholm Syndrome".

I would suggest some counselling to help you unravel your feelings.

dequoisagitil Sat 29-Dec-12 18:40:00

Don't be tempted to go back, he's not the man you love, that person was an illusion. Don't contact him, don't accept contact from him.

You could try talking to Women's Aid, see if there are support groups for women in your situation, and in a while do the Freedom programme.

You are bound to feel broken and grief-stricken, but let your parents look after you and just ride it out for now.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 29-Dec-12 19:03:24

You're grieving for the life you thought you had, the man you thought you knew and the relationship you thought you wanted.... not the reality. A long-term partnership is an expression of hope for the future, loving someone is to take a risk and make yourself vulnerable. It's always upsetting when it's over, however justifiable that may be.

Your parents sound like fantastic human beings and they are demonstrating real love. Take some time to let the hurt subside and get back in touch with your feelings. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself and - above all - keep him at a great distance at all times. No contact, however tempting that may be.

Like all addictive substances, abusive partners stay in the system long after is good for you. Takes time to 'detox' but you'll get there. Good luck

TranceDaemon Sat 29-Dec-12 19:07:53

Every time you find yourself missing him, remind yourself of the worst things that he has done and said. Replace the 'nice' memory with the memories of why you left. That's the real him, and the man you thought you loved wasn't real. It's ok to grieve for that, the realisation hurts, I know.

This pain will fade, and you will come out of this fog and be you again. Give yourself time, respect your need to recover and heal, and resist all temptation to ever contact him again.

Get the Lundy Bancroft book if you can, it will help you understand what has happened. You have done the right thing, trust yourself.

tribpot Sat 29-Dec-12 19:09:45

He was perfect in the beginning because that's how abusers lure their victims in. If they started off being abusive most people would turn and run. There's no going back to that early period of your relationship - please don't fantasise that you can. Let yourself be cared for by those who truly love you, who want only good things for you.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 20:26:51

Thank you so much everyone for your kindness and honest posts. You're right, if it were my friend...

I can't fathom out how it has 'happened to me' - its the old cliche.

I just wish I didn't miss what is, as you rightly point out, a fantasy. It's hard to accept the person I loved was who I wanted him to be, not who he was.

No DD/DS, I am incredibly fortunate. Sadly it was his house (although I had so much furnishings) and now am without my home too. Like the OP points out, my family have been a blessing and am back with them.

I don't know what the future holds and am incredibly scared about taking in the New Year but I must realise it holds hope and change, even when I cannot see it myself right now.

I am really struggling with missing him, sleeping and eating, I wonder if anyone can offer ideas?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 20:38:35

I suppose I am looking for logic where if doesn't exist. Why do I want to be with him? He's been so cruel, not a beak from him. I feel our whole relationship was a lie sad

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 29-Dec-12 20:45:39

Hi chaos, i'm so sorry this has happened to you sad

Its very difficult at first, but soon your head will start to clear and you will stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you, and how to make yourself happy.

Each day is a challenge, but i promise you it gets easier smile

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 20:48:10

Thanks. I just can't seem to understand that's its happened now, and at Christmas! The best time of the year, is there ever a good time though?

nkf Sat 29-Dec-12 20:48:18

You escaped. That's how you should see it. Happy New Year.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 20:55:46

That's what my head says, happy new year to you too

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 29-Dec-12 21:45:11

Its shitty timing, but there is never a good time for something like this.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 21:50:41

I know ! I feel am mourning someone that doesn't exist.bat the same time I've regained friendships I'd allowed to go quiet throughout the relationship

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 21:50:46

How long have you been together?

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 21:52:26

2 years ...2 long.. I should have gone a long time ago

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 21:52:42

Aer you sure you want to analyise is all?
We can help you with that, if that is what you want.

KatyPeril Sat 29-Dec-12 21:53:57

I understand how you feel! I've found constantly keeping myself busy helps, whether that be seeing friends, always having a book on the go, etc. My house has never been so clean! Don't let yourself get too lost in your thoughts, as hard as that is. And take the support family and friends offer you, don't feel bad for it. Thinking of you. xxx

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 21:54:44

I have to. I need to try and understand it, I need to believe its the right thing (and deep down I do, I do) but I need to stop being blind sided by my love for him. It can't have been reciprocated? Surely not

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 29-Dec-12 21:57:53

Thank you , Katy. I've lurked on MN for some time having stumbled across it whilst looking to buy a new Hoover (lol).. The strength of the members in making decisions has really helped me realise that to be objective I have to be honest and stop hiding the truth! I've wanted to post for a long time, I was scared I'd get a flaming - and that flaming would tell me what I already knew- I had to go at some point.

I told a friend in RL yday and it was hard. Once I knew I had told - and everything - there couldn't have been a turning point, and there can't be. So thank you all

kingbeat23 Sat 29-Dec-12 22:01:57

You can't expect yourself to be able to just wake up and it all be alright when you've had a breakdown in a relationship. You have to give yourself time to heal and if you don't so it in the beginning, then you will at some point, so you should think of this being a healthy reaction to what has happened.

I have been single for over 2 years and it has taken me this long to heal from the past hurt, but I do feel like I am over it and ready to move on. It might take longer, it might be sooner than me. Only you can decide that.

The thing for you to do now is relish in the support that you obviouosly have around you, for me MN was a fucking lifeline and if I didn't have the qonderful support of online friends that I did then i might have been in a totally different place. MN to your hearts content, accept the help from your obviously amazing parents and know that there is always a thread that will make you realise that you are lucky that this has happened to you and another to make you cry with laughter.

Holding hands. x

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:03:40

Not long after I started on MN, there was an interesting thread about when people would leave relationships.
Myself, and some others, said the point would be if there was violence.
That would include eg pushing.
We, or certainly me would allow it the once, tell our partners in no uncertain terms not to do it again. If it happened again, and assuming there were not mitigating circumstances, such as the partner was on medication, and they acted unusually, then that would be it.Or perhaps, just perhaps if they had forgotten.
Third time, no way.[again unless mitigating circumstances such as illness]

Not sure what my point is. I suppose it is that people have different cut off points, for different reasons.

amillionyears Sat 29-Dec-12 22:05:02

I am no expert in the next bit. I assume your love for him will continue for some time. I dont think it can be turned off like a tap.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: