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Rant alert. Have I wasted the past 7 years of my 'youth?'

(37 Posts)
Saltytomato Sat 29-Dec-12 15:25:38

Sorry if this is a bit ranty....

Background, my DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 1.5. I am 27, he is 36. We moved to the UK together when I was 20, a few months after getting together. We have recently had a baby together and I think that has highlighted for me how selfish he is.

My DS is 7 months old and my DH has changed his nappy about 3 times. He has done 2 night feeds and then slept in until about 10am. I constantly ask for help, but even that makes him annoyed and I get, "can't you just do it?". He needed to do some work from him this weekend and asked me to put DS to bed 2 hours earlier than usual so I could help him. I actually out my foot down and said no and now he is saying that I need to stay up until 12am and help him (after looking after DS all day and then I will wake up at 4/5am for DS's night feed).

Looking back I can see that this is how he has always been. He got me fired from my last job because he got mad that I wouldn't leave early and bombarded me with emails, knowing my boss would see, until I gave in and left early.

He banned me from going on Facebook, even though it is my only way of contacting friends in my home country. I finally stood my ground and he has told me that if he sees any exes on there he will flip and basically background checks any guy friends on there.

He hates my mum and says that he doesn't want to move home cos he doesn't want to have to see her. He calls her all sorts of names.

To clarify, I have never cheated. I have probably been out 5 times without him in the past 7 years. He gets mad if I suggest going out and brings up the one time I stayed out all night ( at a girlfriends place cos it was too late to get a train home) and basically says he doesn't trust me, even though I don't even look at other guys cos he would get mad.

I love my son to bits and am so grateful to have him, but I feel like I have wasted my youth on my DH. I want to go back home, but he has this unrealistic sum of money in his head that he refuses to go home until we have. I would go home tomorrow if I could. I have only friends from mums groups cos I guess he sees them as harmless.

He yells at me, calls me names and swears, although he has been getting better. He says he loves me and buys me crazily expensive presents for Christmas and my birthday and sometimes for no reason. But this is probably so we never reach the target amount to go home!

I feel like I am in turmoil. Please offer some advice. Is this EA?


OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 29-Dec-12 15:28:43

Yes, it's emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. How soon can you leave?

Saltytomato Sat 29-Dec-12 15:44:57

I would just feel so bad taking his son away sad

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 29-Dec-12 15:46:55

Don't feel bad - he would have lost him, you wouldn't have taken him away.

You will be doing your son a favour, if you stay he is likely to grow up just like his Dad.

ImperialBlether Sat 29-Dec-12 15:48:25

Yes it's absolutely awful behaviour. I don't know how you can stand it.

Are you both from the same hometown?

You know something? You stated your case then IMMEDIATELY gave a reason why you couldn't end it.

He is clearly not bothered about your child. If he was, he wouldn't behave like this.

He is selfish and I don't think you'll have a happy life while you're with him.

Can you say you're going home for a visit and then not come back?

Saltytomato Sat 29-Dec-12 15:49:32

That's what I am afraid of the most. I just feel so isolated its hardto break away.

mcmooncup Sat 29-Dec-12 15:50:12

Absolutely is EA.

Worse than taking your son away from him would be to letting your son grow up in such a toxic environment.

Yes, how soon can you leave?

tribpot Sat 29-Dec-12 15:50:24

I would just feel so bad taking his son away

Despite the fact that he basically never looks after him? And clearly has so little idea of how that he thinks you can easily put a baby to bed two hours early to do some work??

You were barely more than a child yourself when he preyed on met you - if you had a few more years behind you you might have realised sooner that his behaviour is 100% unacceptable, controlling and unbelievably wrong.

He wants you isolated - from family, friends, money, freedom. Isolated by geography from support.

Please get yourself out of there. You can work out contact arrangements but you can't live like this.

ImperialBlether Sat 29-Dec-12 15:50:40

Could there be a good reason for you to go home? How often do you go home?

Saltytomato Sat 29-Dec-12 15:50:51

He is from the same country,but not same town, but he promised we would go back there as that's where we met etc n he has friends and some family there.

mcmooncup Sat 29-Dec-12 15:51:42

Is it expensive to return home? And would you have a place to stay when you got there?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 29-Dec-12 15:52:19

Your feelings of isolation are due to his abuse too. Give Women's Aid a call, they can give you advice and support you even though you may not feel you need refuge.

DrRanj Sat 29-Dec-12 15:52:50

He is a classic emotional abuser. Please get out while you can. And without wanting to alarm you, my exe started with all this sort of thing, jealousy/isolation etc, then did end up getting physical. sad

Saltytomato Sat 29-Dec-12 15:53:09

It is 24 hours away on a plane. I haven't been back since we came over because every year we say we will go back but never do!

LynetteScavo Sat 29-Dec-12 15:54:07

If you feel like you've wasted 7 years, then waste no more.

Yes it is EA. Do you really want your son to grow up in this environment?

DrRanj Sat 29-Dec-12 15:56:04

Oh and I was 19 when I met my ex and he was a lot older. So sorry this is happening to you op, but it is NOT acceptable behaviour and it is not your fault. X

zapotek Sat 29-Dec-12 15:56:48

Are you able to call your mum and tell her the situation? Would she support you in any decision you make? Could you go and stay with her for a while.

I wish you well but he is a control freak/emotionally abusive and you deserve better.

ImperialBlether Sat 29-Dec-12 15:59:34

How did you not see the warning signs when he deliberately lost you your job? That was really shocking.

izzyizin Sat 29-Dec-12 16:01:53

Do you have any money of your own? If not, would your family buy one way plane tickets for you and ds?

If that's not an option visit to locate your nearest branch and call during usual office hours next week (excluding New Year's Day)

Every time you visit mumsnet delete your history afterwards and also amend your settings so that any pms aren't copied to your email address.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 29-Dec-12 16:07:59

And if you're still uncertain, read this book by Lundy Bancroft, you'll soon spot your man.

princessporgie Sat 29-Dec-12 16:08:56

What a sad situation ,try talking if not try woman's aid as it helped me understand my situation a lot better

SpikyLikey Sat 29-Dec-12 16:11:33

Contact a solcitor on the sly and get advice. You should be planning your exit. You cant live like this. He sounds awful.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 16:13:15

You have your son, so it's not been a waste

However if you were to stay after acknowledging his abuse of you, then it would be your son's upbringing that is going to suffer if both of you continue to give him these damaging lessons

Your home is already broken, I am afraid but it's not too late to fix your and your son's life

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 29-Dec-12 16:19:00

He sounds horrible, yes he is emotionally abusive, selfish, jealous, controlling etc.

You are worrying you have wasted seven years on him, so why are you considering wasting any more by staying?

Get out as fast as you can, go home. You are still very young and have a lovely baby. Your life will start when you get rid of your awful husband.

Astelia Sat 29-Dec-12 16:26:56

Don't waste any more time or energy on this abusive man. He is nasty, selfish and lazy. He doesn't care for you, he just wants to control and keep you. That isn't love, whatever he might say.

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