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Is there any way of splitting and moving?

(41 Posts)
BitofSparklingPerry Sat 29-Dec-12 10:08:24

Basically, I want to move back to my home town. Dh doesn't.

Can I just split with him and move with the kids? I would like them to still have a strong relationship, but I am a sahm and very much main carer for the kids - he very very rarely has them by himself.

They are 5 and 3, but HE so school in't an issue.

The towns are about 250 miles apart, neither of us drive, but we could learn (I've had medical problems, but pretty sure I would get a doctors permission to drive now)

How do I do this?

Fairylea Sat 29-Dec-12 10:13:18

You could. He could challenge it as I'm assuming he has parental responsibility (easy to get regardless).

What about contact for the children with their dad? I moved 200 miles away from my ex and travel was split between us for 9 years (he's now moved to the USA). It was very hard financially and to be honest quite a lot for a small child every other week.... even with driving.

I think you need to talk to your dh.

Could you move half way as a compromise?

BitofSparklingPerry Sat 29-Dec-12 10:17:09

It's the particular towns that we want to live in, so not really :-(. The kids currently come across with me to my home town about every six weeks and seem to being doing well with that - they travel well and just sleep or read/play quietly.

Alittlestranger Sat 29-Dec-12 10:18:34

I think you need to unpick the issues a bit here, at least in your own head even if you don't share with us. Does your DH know you're splitting? Would you want a split even if he did agree to move to your home town? Why do you want to move home? Is the move motivating your or the wish to ditch your DH? What's wrong with your DH and current location? If you do split how are you going to finance your lifestyle and new home? Will you be able to HE the kids if you need to work?

Soila Sat 29-Dec-12 10:29:18

Hi BitofSparklingPerry,

Always a difficult one this one especially when you want your children to continue having a close relationship with their dad.

May I ask you, if you do move 250 miles away, how do you see contact arrangements working between your DH and the little ones?

BitofSparklingPerry Sat 29-Dec-12 10:34:35

Last night we had a big chat - weve been unhappy for a long time, but this moving thing is such a huge thing that I think it will break us.

We met in my town, lived together here for three years, then moved over to his town supposedly on a temporary basis three years ago when his brother was ill.

My family now need me - I am pretty sure that my mum will have a heart attack if she has to look after my nana without any more help.

DH is very controlling, drinks far too much, speaks to me like shit and I am in constant worry that he wll quit ye another job. He is happy to just go to the pub and make a song and dance about how he is really clever without using it, but ridicules the things I enjoy (he apparently 'despises all musicians'...everyone in my family plays instruments, including me). I have been able o deal with all this but in his town I am complety reliant on him.

I have a history of mental health problems, which are under control with medication, but I need my family and close friends around me.

One of the main reasons for HE was there only being a catholic school round there. I work from home, I can live off that and tax credits, same as I do now as I cant rly on dh earning. If not, we can look at schools or other solutions.

BitofSparklingPerry Sat 29-Dec-12 10:38:50

Soila - I'm not really sure, but either I could take them across for a few days a month and either stay in a youth hostel or go home and come back, and maybe on a weekend between visits he could come over here and stay a night with the kids while I stay with a friend or family.

Soila Sat 29-Dec-12 11:11:00

If you imagined staying where you are now, how does that make you feel?

BitofSparklingPerry Sat 29-Dec-12 11:16:46

As in, where we live, or where I physically m right now? (Staying at my parents)

His town: trapped and lonely

My town: secure, a bit apprensive about the process of moving, happy, with choices in life

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 29-Dec-12 11:40:42

I too have a history of MH problems - but my depression has lifted since filing for divorce last year. Never underestimate the interaction of a crap marriage with mh issues.

Can't advise on the kids issue, although is train an option for transport?

Soila Sat 29-Dec-12 12:06:23

Lonely is not a good place to be however, it is very possible to be lonely in a crowd.

Can I ask you when you split up?

Sorry for all the questions. I'm just trying to build a picture here so as to be able to give you the best advice i possibly could in terms of yourself, the children and their relationship with their dad.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 29-Dec-12 12:12:03

How would you survive financially?

You seem to rely on DH for his income at the moment. If you are going to homeschool and help your mum with caring, you presumably can't look for a job too, so have you worked out what you'd be entitled too?

It's worth calculating what he'd pay for your kids, and what you'd be entitled too, to see if it's possible. There are a lot of benefits changes around at the moment and I believe your eligibility for some benefits ends when your youngest gets to 5, so you'd need to look into that.

You'd then need to look at the cost of somewhere to live, and your daily life expenses, and make sure you'd have enough to bring the children up and stay in a hostel etc. Learning to drive is a good idea long term but can be very expensive, so it might not be possible.

The move is really only possible if your children can continue to see their Dad, it'd be very unfair to move so far away that financially it isn't possible for them to see him. And while you might expect him to fund their visits, there is always the chance that he won't, and that your children will miss out if you can't take them to him.

I'm presuming that he is a good dad when he is around.

BitofSparklingPerry Sat 29-Dec-12 12:52:39

We've not split up yet. We might even work things out, I dunno, but I want to find out my options.

DH earns so little that not having his earnings but also not having his food (he eats fancier and more meaty food), beer, fags, electriity use etc would not leave us worse off - we already have to claim benefits. I work from home, so I would still get working tax credit, and I could live ith my parents (we have what could almost be termed a bedsit there anyway - for complex reasons they have a house that is too big for them or their finances, and they have been considering renting out some of the rooms) for at least a few months and just pay our share of the bills and a small rent so I wouldn't even need to claim housing benefit any more, then eventually get our own place, which could be a lot smaller as we wouldn't need so much space for dh to strop about.

According to the csa calculator, he would pay about £19 a week even when he gets all bonuses, so I could either ask him to just use the money to help pay for train tickets or something else like that. If he has the kids while I m over there, I can earn enough money mystery shopping to pay for the hostel - I've done it before easily in a big city.

In my home town, there are also quite a few sources of casual work that I have tapped into at various points and could do again if circumstances permitted. The postgrad course I want to do is also only offered part time in that city - I graduate from the OU in the next couple of years.

I have two friends who are attachment parenting single mum students in the area, although they don't HE, so they could show me useful resources etc.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 29-Dec-12 13:09:10

"How do I do this?"
I'm not sure why you're asking 'how' when it seems to me that you've thought through the practicalities and come up with some pretty workable answers already re housing, work, finances etc.

So is the 'how' really about the emotional side, as in 'how do I shuck off this horrible man who contributes nothing to my health and happiness or the care of his own children'? (Don't know if you have posted about your relationship before, only going on what you have posted here.)

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 29-Dec-12 13:13:59

Ah okay, so you've worked everything out quite well!

Its worth noting that you probably wouldn't be able to claim housing benefit from your parents. I know you said you probably wouldn't need too, so it sounds ideal, but it's worth knowing!

Mystery shopping and working from home are great, and it sounds like you have a lot of support.

Would it be possible for you to move back with your parents temporarily? Or have a trial separation? It sounds like you've got the practicalities sorted, so it's just working out whether you want to/can fix this relationship. Sometimes, absence has the answer. If you can live away from him and don't miss him, the relationship is already over. If you miss him, and he misses you, it might be worth looking into other ways of making it work. Like whether he can live near you, or whether you can maintain two homes in different areas, and he visit at weekends.

Soila Sat 29-Dec-12 18:07:25

Hi BitofSparklingPerry,

This is might be a silly question but I have tried to work out what "HE" is and I can't smile. What does it stand for?

Also, it sounds like you still have hope BitofSparklingPerry when you say, "^We might even work things out.^"

Have you spoken to your husband about what is going on for you at the moment?

Would you consider couple counselling/therapy?

MushroomSoup Sat 29-Dec-12 21:23:55

HE = home educated

BitofSparklingPerry Sat 29-Dec-12 22:48:54

We did do relate a couple of years back, after he cheated on me and admitted he was an alcholic (then I found he had been googling strip clubs before upposedly oing to AA meetings) but it was too expensive for a woman to sit and just annoy both of us and recommend terrible terrible books. Although I suppose it did unite us in laughing at how inept she was.

There is a lot of feeling there still, I'm just sick of feeling like an appendage to him rather than my own person.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 30-Dec-12 00:38:40

BitofSparklingPerry, I've picked out of your posts what you've said of him (and some of what effects this relationship has on you)

. He's cheated on you
. He is very controlling
. He strops about the house
. He drinks far too much - indeed, he's an alcoholic (so he'll prioritise drink over you, the children, eating, rent etc.)
. You constantly worry that he will quit yet another job (implication - he's done it several times before), and he earns very little in his job
. He is happy to just go to the pub and make a song and dance about how he is really clever without using it (i.e. he's a complete arse with delusions of grandeur)
. he ridicules you and your family for being able to play instruments (most people would envy you that ability - I rather expect he does too)
. He strops about the house
. He speaks to you like shit
. You have a history of mental health problems, which are under control with medication, but you need your family and close friends around you, presumably because he does not support you and indeed is the source of some of your mental health problems.
. he eats fancier and more meaty food (than, presumably you and the children) which I take it you are paying for as he earns so little. What the actual fuck?? How does that one come about?
. You've been unhappy for a long time (now there's a surprise)

I can see NOTHING in that list that would persuade me to tell you to give this relationship another go.

You've thought through the practicalities. You sound as if you have come up with workable solutions. Pack your stuff up and take the kids to see your parents for the holidays, and just STAY THERE and set up your new life. And arrange your divorce.

wannaBe Sun 30-Dec-12 01:03:22

well, sounds like you've thought about what is best for you, and what is best for your family. what about your children? do you really think it is best for them to be moved hundreds of miles away from their father and only being able to see them at your convenience? hmm

Sorry but I think that if you have children then you have an obligation to ensure their relationship with both parents stays as much the same as possible.

Me and my DH are in the process of splitting, and I am under immense pressure from my family to move back to my home town and bring my ds with me, and "dh will just have to get used to only seeing him on weekends/he (ds) will adapt." are just some of the lines I've been given. Well life doesn't work like that. We had a child together, that child has the right to an equal relationship with both his parents, and it is not my right to up and move halfway across the country to indulge the wishes of my family who certainly don't have my child's best interests in mind here.

Sorry but I think that moving your children so far away from their father is immensely selfish.

BitofSparklingPerry Sun 30-Dec-12 01:59:19

I've spent hours watching them, and trying to work out the best thing for them. They love cuddles with everyone in the big bed, but there is always the worry that he might suddenly and with no warning shout at them to get out of the room. I spend at least one night a week squashed into one of their beds after they wake with a nightmare and dh decides that he doesn't want us in bed with him.

They know we argue. I have a constant internal debate about how to respond when he ridicules me or shouts at me - I would hate to hear someone talk like that to them, so I should stand up to model that it isnt acceptable, but it is bad for kids to hear their parehts arguing, so I should stay quiet.

They come to my home town regulary - dd1 lived here for the first 2.5 years of her life, and we have our own bedroom, clothes, toys etc at my parents house. We visit regulary enough that two of their closest friends live over here. I know loads of people here with kids and we are part of a huge family.

I really am agonising over it from their point of view, but I can't live in his town as a single parent so it is either carry on with things as they are or move back home.

I make him sound awful, but I'm sure he could say bad things about me. I really am willing to work things through with him, but he has been promising that we can move back for ages, putting me off, and it has gradually turned into shouting at me for not being happy there.

I'm very much of my town - I have the accent, I love the landmarks, I love the local food, different groups of people have given me the town name as a nickname. He doesn't even have the (much stronger and more distinctive) accent of his town as he moved away as soon as he could and spent from 18 to 34 in my town.

BitofSparklingPerry Sun 30-Dec-12 02:01:25

Dh could find a houseshare with people he knows well within a couple of days here. We could find a house right now. We know people with jobs going.

Soila Sun 30-Dec-12 07:58:21

Thank you MushroomSoup - I have to admit, I would never have guessed that one!

Morning BitofSparklingPerry,

When you file for divorce or leave your relationship, you better be 100% certain that that is what you want to do, that there is nothing left otherwise you will most likely end up not only regretting it for a very long time but also with chronic emotional pain and hurt when your dh moves on to be with someone else and starts a new life and maybe even a family. A pain and hurt that you will either carry into your next relationship as baggage or that will be a hinderance to getting into another long-term relationship.

Also, we have heard about what he has done to you and your relationship but I wonder what you may have contributed to this situation to get you both where you are.

What I'm asking is what has your role been in creating the results that are in your relationship today?

niceguy2 Sun 30-Dec-12 08:10:42

I would like them to still have a strong relationship...

Can't advise on whether to move or not. Only you can decide that for yourself.

I moved 100 miles about five years ago, taking my kids with me. It's not been easy at all for the kids to maintain contact with their mum.

What I will say is that a distance of 250 miles, neither of you driving and him on a low income? You can pretty much forget any meaningful relationship with their dad. You'll be lucky if he sees them at Christmas. It's also unfair for the kids to trek 500 miles at the weekend on a regular basis.

Oh ditto with child support. You'll be lucky to see that too.

lemonstartree Sun 30-Dec-12 09:32:27

I agree with wannaBe; this is all me me me.

You children have a RIGHT to a relationship with their father. That means regular and frequent contact. You are being immensely selfish by deciding that you will move so far away, and you are ignoring your children's rights.

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