Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DP complete personality change after losing baby(78 Posts)
I desperately need some advice as I think I'm going crazy and don't no how much longer I can deal with this for. Sorry for the length please bear with me
Me and DP have been together for a year lived together for 6 months, we are in our mod twenties but he is 2 years younger than me.
Planned to have a baby I got pregnant straight away.
At 12 week scan found out baby had anacephaly and would not survive so had to have a termination.
From termination I've had serious complications and have been in hospital twice for over a week at a time and had continuous bleeding with blood clots the size of kiwis for 3 weeks now (Sorry for tmi)
My DP was heartbroken as was I but we seemed to be getting through it together, for the first week.
Then he went to see his mum. She is religious and did not agree with it she is also single and prone to self pity and drinking. He is her only child and has always been her emotional crutch. She told him he needed to come home because what happened was very hard for her and she was very depressed and he would never get over it (he moved an hours drive away to live with me)
Previous to this while I was pregnant she was trying to get my DS from another relationship who is 4 to call her nanny after meeting him less than 5 times and was telling my DP to marry me.
My DP came to see me when I was in hospital for complications from termination, to tell me it would be easier for him to go back and live with his mum so he could sleep when he wants and see his friends and he was very tired as on early shifts. I was absolutely shell shocked and started crying he then said oh no it's just really hard I won't go really
He has done this twice more in the last week, once on xmas day, including saying things like I love you but I'm not in love with you, you have DS so it's all right for you to stay here alone and deal with it coz you have responsibilities, I shouldn't have to deal with it coz I don't have responsibilities?? He never wants to have sex with me again as I'd trick him into getting pregnant??? My mum needs me coz this is really hard for her and she's alone ( her father died in July and she threw in his face that she was an orphan as well, she's 60 btw) and the usual I need to go coz this is to hard and ill never get over it and its because I keep crying its to hard for him coz he doesn't like to see me in pain or upset so he'd rather go and not see it.
When he says i need to go, I say I love you and don't want you too but if that's what you need then do it, I gave him the option of going for a week, with no contact with me to get his head together and see what he wanted. And he just says no, even though he spends hours telling me why he needs to go. Then he doesn't.
This is driving me crazy. I am so sad about the baby it's devastated me, but what he's doing I can't understand. I spend all my time placating him and crying when he goes to sleep/is at work/ when I'm with friends/family. I am so angry with him on one hand but love him so much and am bewildered as to why his treating me like this.
We planned the baby together and we were saving to buy a house, was going to get married, planned how many children we were going to have etc etc. but now he's just emotionally closed off to me and I just can't forget or forgive the way he's been. He's still here but I can't get the thought out of my head that he wants to go but is waiting till I'm better as I'm still quite ill and this has all happened in the last 3 weeks so I don't think he wants to look like the bad guy so soon.
Before this happened we were so in love. He adored me and was lovely. Now it's like he can't even stand me. I'm heartbroken but don't want his pity and would rather he left now than be here grudgingly.
Is this just grief? Or something more? I feel like I can't get over it until i no where i stand with him but then maybe I'm over thinking to much and this is just his way of dealing with it. Maybe I am just incredibly insecure at the moment as th things he has seen happen to me are awful, it's been so humiliating, and I look awful, i feel like a failure and like its my fault he's so sad as I've ruined what we had by not being able to have a healthy baby.
It just seems like he doesn't see me as a person with feelings but said this situation has made him sad and I'm central to that????
I'm so confused. If anyone has any advice Id love to hear it
Thanks for reading sorry its long!
Good luck Eeeeeek
I don't think you sound like a doughnut. I'm really impressed with your strength and ability to recognise what's wrong. I was in my 30s before I grew up.
May 2013 be a year of peace and hope for you and your DS
Hi eekk, I saw you around pregnancy boards. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult experience. I think him leaving is probably a good start to your New Year - even his parting shots are red herrings. He sounds incredibly manipulative.
What an awful situation re your baby I'm sorry for your loss. I was actually going to say I think you'd benefit from counselling so I'm glad you're booking an appointment. You need to process your feelings about what happened. I hope you can move forward to have a happy life with your DS.
Sorry posted to soon!
* book not so young. I had my DS when I was 22 with a man I had been with for 6 years. We just grew apart but have joint custody and no issues (everyone always is amazed how well we dealt/get on with it) just felt I should explain as didnt realise how much of a absolute naive doughnut I sounded in my first post .
Thank you again ladies xxxx
I just want to say thank you for your support. He left at ten to midnight, telling me it was my fault, as he loved me, but I wouldn't leave him alone and he needed to be depressed for a few months as this was so hard for him. reading back through this, I no I was a fool, but as we had been friends for nearly 10 years I guess I let my guard down and saw him differently to a man I had just met, iykwim. Thank you for all your kind words. It's painful but I can see I've dodged a bullet on this one. Am going to arrange counselling on Wednesday. As for his mother, I can believe it as I've seen her behave like this on numerous occasions over the years whenever anything bad happened. She also has gone from speaking to me regularly to not speaking to me at all since We found out at 12 week scan. Thank you all so much for the advice. My gut was screaming out tht this was not right but I was just blaming myself for making him feel this way. Deep down I always knew he was broken but desperately wanted to fix him. Before I get flamed I no i was ridiculously naive. And for the record, I am 26 he is nearly 25. So in my b
I am so very sorry for your loss.
However as you now see, even before this he had an odd relationship with his mother and was pushing for a baby when you weren't ready - both massive red flags. Now you are both grieving but you can see your way to trying to support him, but he can't do the same for you. And then there is his mother and her crap.
He's never going to be the man you and your DS deserve - get out as fast as you can, don't prolong this any longer than you need.
OP I see a huge red flag in the fact that he was the driver for this quick pregnancy and basically nagged & talked you into it. Guys who rush the pace of relationships against your better judgement tend to be the kind who need to have you dependent, tend to be controlling and ultimately abusive.
That he is unable to support you emotionally at this time, is another big red flag - no empathy - or thinks his own emotions are more important than yours.
That he's doing the I'm leaving/I'm not leaving thing is also a big red flag on its own, and doubly so given your vulnerability & being unwell.
I think in the long run, you'd be better off getting shot of him.
I am so sorry for your loss. Get well soon.
op, I am very sorry for you and your dps loss.
I think the thing that strikes me is that the dp is only about 23.
He has gone through an awful lot in his life.
His mum is still filling his head with a lot of I dont know what.
Unfortuneatlely, it may take him a long time to sort himself out.
Plus he is grieving.
Right now, it sounds like, he doesnt know where he is at.
And it may take him some time to process everything.
In an ideal world, you would both be grieving together, and supporting each other.
In time, he may realise the right things to do.
yes, I know that badinage, which is why I said the mother-blaming was a red herring, and if he wanted to be with her her would be.
Fellatio the mother sounds like 'a loon' because this man has made her sound like one. OP hasn't come back to say whether any of this stuff the mother is allegedly saying has been heard directly by her.
Unfortunately there are some men who will blame which ever woman comes to hand - and there will always be women who will want to blame other women rather than a man who has treated them disgracefully. These types of men manipulate women and pit them against eachother and sometimes it works like a treat.....
Londonone there is nothing funny here.it is all tragic for everyone involved.
If it was your dp idea to ttc maybe he is feeling guilty and thinks that you.might blame him or resent him so he is trying to push you away to stop him being hurt?
I think maybe try relate and talk about what happened and if there is a way forward together. If thats what you want?
London your last post shows no compassion at all.
Do you relise the OP has lost her child?
Londonone, how exactly does brutally telling the OP that her previous actions were 'idiotic' help?
Unless she has a time machine, she cannot change what has already happened, and can only go forward from her current position. Which is what she was asking advice about, as I understood it.
whether london has a point or not, what fucker brings it up now?
london There is nothing funny about this. For what it's worth I may be inclined to agree with you about women making naive choices, but when someone has just told you they are reeling from an abortion on medical advice, culminating in being hospitalized due to complications and have been cruelly dumped in the process, that is not generally the best time to point out their poor judgement.
He can grieve, for sure, but his chosen way of grieving appears to be making things even worse for the OP. Unnecessary.
I think londonone has a point. It was foolish to ttc so soon in a new relationship. If he wanted resposability he should have got a dog. It was foolish to want to bring a baby to such a new relationship. OP knows this already.
You are a good mum. You have been to hell and back and it must be a horrible sistuation to be put in and you did your best for your baby.
When most women go thru something like this they have their husbands there to support them. In this case the OP partner is only thinking of themself and makong the OP feel worse. He is not supporting her or helping.
The Op is devistated how things have turned out and it will take a long time to heal. Im impressed she has the emotional capacity to even care about anyone else right now. I would not.
Op you need support and counciling for your loss. You need to look at why you let yourself be pressured to ttc.
You are not stupid you were in love and got fooled by someone you trusted. It happens to others all the time. It will take a long time to heal but you will come out on the other side syronher and wiser.
Do you have any rl support?
Fwiw I think the OP's DP is getting a hard time here. A man who was on here complaining similar behaviour from his partner after taking the loss of a baby so badly would be told to man up and support her. Men are allowed to grieve too y'know.
There aren't any sides. You are being unpleasant. That's all.
Lol I certainly wasn't planing on playing the bullied card, not my style. I just think its funny that people are so keen to take sides
The op is perfectly capable of addressing me directly as she has done. I am glad to see she has taken some of the comments on his thread on board and that will help her make better decisions in the future.
What's ironic? That we're all telling you your posts are out of order? Don't start trying to okay the bullied card. You can certainly dish it out - try taking it.
Londonone perhaps you should consider the old adage that it is more important to be kind than right. The op knows she's made some bad decisions, but she's in pain. Lay off.
londonone I've reported your comments. Please desist in your personal attack on the OP and go troll someone else, as you obviously have nothing constructive to add to the discussion.
Join the discussion
Please login first.