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DP complete personality change after losing baby

(78 Posts)
Eeeeekkkbfp Sat 29-Dec-12 08:24:17

Hey ladies,

I desperately need some advice as I think I'm going crazy and don't no how much longer I can deal with this for. Sorry for the length please bear with me

Me and DP have been together for a year lived together for 6 months, we are in our mod twenties but he is 2 years younger than me.
Planned to have a baby I got pregnant straight away.
At 12 week scan found out baby had anacephaly and would not survive so had to have a termination.
From termination I've had serious complications and have been in hospital twice for over a week at a time and had continuous bleeding with blood clots the size of kiwis for 3 weeks now (Sorry for tmi)

My DP was heartbroken as was I but we seemed to be getting through it together, for the first week.
Then he went to see his mum. She is religious and did not agree with it she is also single and prone to self pity and drinking. He is her only child and has always been her emotional crutch. She told him he needed to come home because what happened was very hard for her and she was very depressed and he would never get over it (he moved an hours drive away to live with me)
Previous to this while I was pregnant she was trying to get my DS from another relationship who is 4 to call her nanny after meeting him less than 5 times and was telling my DP to marry me.

My DP came to see me when I was in hospital for complications from termination, to tell me it would be easier for him to go back and live with his mum so he could sleep when he wants and see his friends and he was very tired as on early shifts. I was absolutely shell shocked and started crying he then said oh no it's just really hard I won't go really

He has done this twice more in the last week, once on xmas day, including saying things like I love you but I'm not in love with you, you have DS so it's all right for you to stay here alone and deal with it coz you have responsibilities, I shouldn't have to deal with it coz I don't have responsibilities?? He never wants to have sex with me again as I'd trick him into getting pregnant??? My mum needs me coz this is really hard for her and she's alone ( her father died in July and she threw in his face that she was an orphan as well, she's 60 btw) and the usual I need to go coz this is to hard and ill never get over it and its because I keep crying its to hard for him coz he doesn't like to see me in pain or upset so he'd rather go and not see it.

When he says i need to go, I say I love you and don't want you too but if that's what you need then do it, I gave him the option of going for a week, with no contact with me to get his head together and see what he wanted. And he just says no, even though he spends hours telling me why he needs to go. Then he doesn't.

This is driving me crazy. I am so sad about the baby it's devastated me, but what he's doing I can't understand. I spend all my time placating him and crying when he goes to sleep/is at work/ when I'm with friends/family. I am so angry with him on one hand but love him so much and am bewildered as to why his treating me like this.
We planned the baby together and we were saving to buy a house, was going to get married, planned how many children we were going to have etc etc. but now he's just emotionally closed off to me and I just can't forget or forgive the way he's been. He's still here but I can't get the thought out of my head that he wants to go but is waiting till I'm better as I'm still quite ill and this has all happened in the last 3 weeks so I don't think he wants to look like the bad guy so soon.

Before this happened we were so in love. He adored me and was lovely. Now it's like he can't even stand me. I'm heartbroken but don't want his pity and would rather he left now than be here grudgingly.
Is this just grief? Or something more? I feel like I can't get over it until i no where i stand with him but then maybe I'm over thinking to much and this is just his way of dealing with it. Maybe I am just incredibly insecure at the moment as th things he has seen happen to me are awful, it's been so humiliating, and I look awful, i feel like a failure and like its my fault he's so sad as I've ruined what we had by not being able to have a healthy baby.
It just seems like he doesn't see me as a person with feelings but said this situation has made him sad and I'm central to that????
I'm so confused. If anyone has any advice Id love to hear it

Thanks for reading sorry its long!


Eeeeekkkbfp Tue 01-Jan-13 04:44:02

Sorry posted to soon!
* book not so young. I had my DS when I was 22 with a man I had been with for 6 years. We just grew apart but have joint custody and no issues (everyone always is amazed how well we dealt/get on with it) just felt I should explain as didnt realise how much of a absolute naive doughnut I sounded in my first post blush.

Thank you again ladies xxxx

OComeAllYeFaithBaby Tue 01-Jan-13 07:46:30

Hi eekk, I saw you around pregnancy boards. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult experience. I think him leaving is probably a good start to your New Year - even his parting shots are red herrings. He sounds incredibly manipulative.

What an awful situation re your baby sad I'm sorry for your loss. I was actually going to say I think you'd benefit from counselling so I'm glad you're booking an appointment. You need to process your feelings about what happened. I hope you can move forward to have a happy life with your DS.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Tue 01-Jan-13 21:42:04

Good luck Eeeeeek

I don't think you sound like a doughnut. I'm really impressed with your strength and ability to recognise what's wrong. I was in my 30s before I grew up.

May 2013 be a year of peace and hope for you and your DS

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