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DP complete personality change after losing baby

(78 Posts)
Eeeeekkkbfp Sat 29-Dec-12 08:24:17

Hey ladies,

I desperately need some advice as I think I'm going crazy and don't no how much longer I can deal with this for. Sorry for the length please bear with me

Me and DP have been together for a year lived together for 6 months, we are in our mod twenties but he is 2 years younger than me.
Planned to have a baby I got pregnant straight away.
At 12 week scan found out baby had anacephaly and would not survive so had to have a termination.
From termination I've had serious complications and have been in hospital twice for over a week at a time and had continuous bleeding with blood clots the size of kiwis for 3 weeks now (Sorry for tmi)

My DP was heartbroken as was I but we seemed to be getting through it together, for the first week.
Then he went to see his mum. She is religious and did not agree with it she is also single and prone to self pity and drinking. He is her only child and has always been her emotional crutch. She told him he needed to come home because what happened was very hard for her and she was very depressed and he would never get over it (he moved an hours drive away to live with me)
Previous to this while I was pregnant she was trying to get my DS from another relationship who is 4 to call her nanny after meeting him less than 5 times and was telling my DP to marry me.

My DP came to see me when I was in hospital for complications from termination, to tell me it would be easier for him to go back and live with his mum so he could sleep when he wants and see his friends and he was very tired as on early shifts. I was absolutely shell shocked and started crying he then said oh no it's just really hard I won't go really

He has done this twice more in the last week, once on xmas day, including saying things like I love you but I'm not in love with you, you have DS so it's all right for you to stay here alone and deal with it coz you have responsibilities, I shouldn't have to deal with it coz I don't have responsibilities?? He never wants to have sex with me again as I'd trick him into getting pregnant??? My mum needs me coz this is really hard for her and she's alone ( her father died in July and she threw in his face that she was an orphan as well, she's 60 btw) and the usual I need to go coz this is to hard and ill never get over it and its because I keep crying its to hard for him coz he doesn't like to see me in pain or upset so he'd rather go and not see it.

When he says i need to go, I say I love you and don't want you too but if that's what you need then do it, I gave him the option of going for a week, with no contact with me to get his head together and see what he wanted. And he just says no, even though he spends hours telling me why he needs to go. Then he doesn't.

This is driving me crazy. I am so sad about the baby it's devastated me, but what he's doing I can't understand. I spend all my time placating him and crying when he goes to sleep/is at work/ when I'm with friends/family. I am so angry with him on one hand but love him so much and am bewildered as to why his treating me like this.
We planned the baby together and we were saving to buy a house, was going to get married, planned how many children we were going to have etc etc. but now he's just emotionally closed off to me and I just can't forget or forgive the way he's been. He's still here but I can't get the thought out of my head that he wants to go but is waiting till I'm better as I'm still quite ill and this has all happened in the last 3 weeks so I don't think he wants to look like the bad guy so soon.

Before this happened we were so in love. He adored me and was lovely. Now it's like he can't even stand me. I'm heartbroken but don't want his pity and would rather he left now than be here grudgingly.
Is this just grief? Or something more? I feel like I can't get over it until i no where i stand with him but then maybe I'm over thinking to much and this is just his way of dealing with it. Maybe I am just incredibly insecure at the moment as th things he has seen happen to me are awful, it's been so humiliating, and I look awful, i feel like a failure and like its my fault he's so sad as I've ruined what we had by not being able to have a healthy baby.
It just seems like he doesn't see me as a person with feelings but said this situation has made him sad and I'm central to that????
I'm so confused. If anyone has any advice Id love to hear it

Thanks for reading sorry its long!


cannotbelievehowexpensive Sat 29-Dec-12 08:30:07

I am so sorry for your loss, what an awful thing to have to go through. You poor thing.xx
I know this must be hard to hear but I think there are big red flags here, this guy sounds like he has many issues and does not sound like the loving, supportive, mature partner that you deserve. I think you should seriously consider your future with him. If I were you I would let him go back to his mum (who sounds awful!!) and concentrate on you and your DS. You deserve far, far better than this

financialwizard Sat 29-Dec-12 08:43:24

I agree with the previous poster. Poor you massive unmumsnetty (((hugs))).

It really sounds like the apron strings have not been cut.

Whistlingwaves Sat 29-Dec-12 08:52:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 08:53:24

This man that you don't know very well turns out to be a twat.

I'm sorry for your loss sad

Build your life with your son without this guy in it.

ThreeBoostsOneGalaxy Sat 29-Dec-12 08:57:46

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. In 2003 we had two pregnancies that ended at 20 weeks. DH grieved but at no point did he react anything like your DP. I know everyone handles grief differently, but I think your DP needs to man up.

ThreeBoostsOneGalaxy Sat 29-Dec-12 09:00:34

I also think that it's during the worst times that you actually find out what people are really like.

lunar1 Sat 29-Dec-12 09:09:42

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others, I know you must be going through hell right now but this man is being cruel to you. I know he needs to grieve too but not at your expense. He is causing you additional pain.

His mother also sounds absolutely toxic, I am often a supporter of mil's on here as they often get a rough deal but in this case I think she would be enough to make me run for the hills.

Doha Sat 29-Dec-12 09:13:36

It is at very difficult times that people show their true colours and l am afraid this is your real DP coming through.
He is neither a nice nor loving partner to you. He should be sharirng his grief with you and you should e supporting each other. He seems wrapped up in his grief and the wants of his mother.
This does not bode well for the future and perhaps it would be best for him to go now before you invest any more in your future as this man will never be the man you want or deserve

ErikNorseman Sat 29-Dec-12 09:15:07

He's being manipulative, controlling, childish, cruel and pathetic. Whether he's doing it on purpose or not is irrelevant. That is how he behaves during difficult times. He's not a partner to support you and carry you through tough times, he's just not. Please cut your losses while you still can.

MissyRain Sat 29-Dec-12 09:21:24

He has not had a personality transplant you just dont know him that well.

You cant get to know someone in 12 months. It takes years to find out how someone behaviours to stress and grife.

Why did you want a baby with someone you just meet?

Im sorry for your loss. I really think you need to not ttc for a few years and get to know your partner better.

frasersmummy Sat 29-Dec-12 09:26:30

I am going to go against the grain here and say it just sounds dh is very upset/sad/angry at the loss of your darling child

his mother certainly aint helping and is actually making matters 10 times worse.. she needs to shut up and butt out

I think if you and your dh have been really close and loving up till now then you need to give him time to deal with his grief. NO he is not dealing with it in a good way.. but when I lost someone recently I went nuts , some of the stuff I said to dh was way out of line.. but he loved me and stood by me and we came out the other side

If you love your dh then you shouldnt cut and run at the first hurdle.. losing a chld is the hardest thing on earth.. you need each other right now and the fact your dh doesnt leave when you give him the option speaks volumes

Eeeeekkkbfp Sat 29-Dec-12 09:27:36

Thank you for all your kind words. I no your right its just a shock when someone turns out to be completely different from what you th

Eeeeekkkbfp Sat 29-Dec-12 09:33:26

Sorry posted to soon.
*thought they were. I think I just got so wrapped up in how happy we were and he kept bringing up having a baby and wouldn't let it drop. When I said no its too soon he took it as I didn't love him and didnt want him and made me feel so guilty. He said every lets him down and fucks him over. That should of been a massive red flag but I felt so bad for him as he had a shitty childhood and wanted to make him happy and see that everyone wasn't like that. Which seems ridiculous and immature when i write it down. I felt like he pressured me into it which makes this harder for me to get my head around and I feel awful I introduced him to my son and don't no how to explain it to him if he went. (He still sees and has a good relationship with his real dad though so it wouldn't be like he was a replacement daddy if you no what I mean)

Kiwiinkits Sat 29-Dec-12 09:39:57

What a horrible thing to have to go through hmm. I think your dp isn't who you thought he was. You rushed into all of this and now he is having some major second thoughts. You haven't known each other very long and you're both young. He is showing you that he is too immature for the massive responsibility that comes with being a husband and father. A bit of old-but-good advice: never believe a mans words, only believe his actions. His actions are telling you what you need to know: he isn't going to be the rock you need when the going gets tough. This horrible time may in fact be a blessing. Use this time to think about what is driving your relationship behaviour. I read your post and I was really surprised at how fast you had transitioned from the first blush of attraction into moving in together and then on to getting pregnant. You and your DS and future kids deserve a solid, committed husband and father. Such commitment can't be rushed. Give yourself the respect of waiting till someone shows you, through his actions, consistently, that he really will stand by you in hard times.

TeamBacon Sat 29-Dec-12 09:48:25

Bloody hell... Insensitive bastard.

I'd be running for the hills... Kick him out, he can go back to his mothers.

MissyRain Sat 29-Dec-12 10:02:22

Im sorry you are in this situation. You are young there is time to find a life partner you dont need to rush or settle.

Take your time. Get counciling for your loss and ask dp to leave. It does sound like he has issues and that is not good for your son to be around.

Take care and good luck for the future

DowagersHump Sat 29-Dec-12 10:08:33

You poor thing sad

I agree with everyone else - I'd kick this bloke into touch. He's not the man you thought he was and I'm so sorry you had to find out in such a painful awful way. Your DS will be fine with just you. Find a life partner who is deserving of both of you and don't ever enter into relationships and try to heal someone - you can't do that, people can only heal themselves.

duchesse Sat 29-Dec-12 10:31:57

"He said every lets him down and fucks him over"

Dump him.

I am really very sorry for your loss but this man is not merely having a bad moment, he simply isn't the person you thought/wanted him to be. IMO nothing good will come from staying with him.

HecateQueenofWitches Sat 29-Dec-12 10:34:29

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Give this manchild back to mummy dearest.

He is never going to be there for you.

He abandoned you when you needed him the most.

Don't sign up for a lifetime of that.

Soila Sat 29-Dec-12 10:52:22

Hi Eeeeekkkbfp,

The thing that caught my attention most here was "^then he went to see his mum^"

If you can handle being three in the relationship then fight for him as much as you possibly can.

If you cannot them let him go.

I know which I would choose - and it's not the thanks.

difficultpickle Sat 29-Dec-12 10:58:01

You won't think so now but it sounds to me as if you've had a lucky escape. Imagine being married to your dp and having his mother as your MIL. Your life would be hell.

So sorry for your loss. I had a baby with a man I thought I knew (we had known each other for 10 years before we started dating). Turns out I didn't know him at all and his subsequent behaviour was shocking to me and his friends.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 29-Dec-12 11:04:58

I was going to be a bit sorry for the guy as clearly his mum has been messing with his head, and suggest there might be a chance for you both if he can reduce her influence, but then I read your 09:33:26. Oh dear. I think you have to let him go, frankly. In fact you should buy his ticket back to mum's, one-way. This one is broken.

So sorry about the baby.

RabidCarrot Sat 29-Dec-12 11:29:27

So sorry for your loss, But I do think you need to pack his bag and tell him to go home to his mad mother, you will not see it now but you will be so much better off without him

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sat 29-Dec-12 11:34:27

"he kept bringing up having a baby and wouldn't let it drop. When I said no its too soon he took it as I didn't love him and didnt want him and made me feel so guilty."

Please never do something so unbelievably irresponsible again.

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