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What on earth am I doing?

(35 Posts)
Utterlylostandneedtogo Sat 29-Dec-12 00:19:20

I need to get all this out before I explode, but I feel it is too late. I broke a long time ago. I apologise for it being in list form but its easier to get down and my head is a mess

DP is a heavy drinker and a pain in the arse when he's drunk
When dp comes in from work the first thing he does is change into his dressing gown, no underwear, nothing else, he stinks and it's gross and no matter how much I tell him it's gross he won't stop doing it.
Next door blast their tv until 3am. I've not had an unbroken nights sleep since October
I work full time. I have done since I was 16. I feel I've missed out on my children as a result
I am in a lot of pain. I have muscular skeletal and neurological pain problems that aren't fixable. I can't cope with this any more.
My children are at their dads until the new school year. I'm broken inside missing them
I'm sick of being the 'go to' person who everyone offloads to, but I don't have anyone who returns the favour
I'm fat. I'm ugly. When I meet someone who hasn't seen me for ages the only thing they can think of to say to me is usually 'wow hasn't your hair got long, you look, well, different now' gee thanks
My life consists of work, home, see the children for an hour before bed, then I have a bath to ease the pain and go to bed myself. I don't live, I exist.
I have no relationship with dp any more as a result of the above, I have no relationship with my children, my siblings and dps siblings are all 'perfect' all in £40k+ a year jobs and married to people with similar jobs. We're barely scraping by.

I hate it

I hate everything

I've been to the dr and been dismissed with a 'you need to learn to live with the pain, that's what's making you depressed' and that's it. No help no support nothing.

I really am a crap person

tallwivglasses Tue 01-Jan-13 01:52:52

Oh Utterly. Does he not realise stinky bits are a massive turn off? If you take control things can only get better. I promise.

ElectricSheep Tue 01-Jan-13 02:03:15

Every teenager knows that if they want a sexual partner they have to be clean ans sweet smellng - may be your DP needs reminding of that?

Could you buy some nice male smellies and leave with a note to use every fucking day you stinky rancid oik daily?

Utterlylostandneedtogo Wed 16-Jan-13 22:49:17

Just to update you. Things are no better. I'm going crazy because I'm constantly being ignored and my feelings overlooked and am now thinking of moving out. I hate how he has made me become. I used to be happy and confident and now, well, I'm really the opposite of that.

ManInBeige Wed 16-Jan-13 23:06:47

Did you change GP?

hopkinette Wed 16-Jan-13 23:11:11

Sounds pretty grim, OP. I'm sorry you're having such a shit time.

WRT to neighbours, if you don't feel up to having it out with them or contacting the council, could you try ear plugs, just for the short term? Sleeping badly affects everything else, it's awful. Maybe if you could just get a few nights of decent sleep you'd feel a little bit stronger and more able to tackle the other problems you're facing.

Your GP does sound very unhelpful - have you looked into changing to a different one? And do you belong to any online forums aimed at people who suffer from the medical conditions you have? I've found them to be really useful at times.

tallwivglasses Thu 17-Jan-13 21:14:26

Once he's out of the way I think the happy and confident you will re-emerge. Then you can change your name to something like Utterlyblossomingandnowcangrow smile

Dump the fucker (LTB was SO 2012...)

ArtsMumma Fri 18-Jan-13 02:57:37

I think you need to move out. Or kick him out. He isn't interested in making things work. Then you can focus on you. I think he is what is holding you back. Do you love him? Do you want it to work? Do you think it could ever be the relationship you want?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 18-Jan-13 07:32:10

The challenge you face is turning 'thinking of moving out' into 'moving out'. Intention is good but to turn it into action you have to take a few steps forward, make a bit of a plan, get some information, talk to friends and family. You might not be able to do something overnight but it's been two weeks since you originally posted and maybe you should set yourself a target that, in another two weeks, you will be a lot further down the road. Have a goal to aim for?

Good luck

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sun 20-Jan-13 22:58:27

I haven't changed GP yet and I know I need to.

I think I still love him but my head is such a wreck I don't know what I want.

I had the dawning realisation that no one has ever asked me anything about myself or how I feel about anything, ever, it's always about them and how they feel. I have more than just him that I need to cut out I need to cut everyone out. I am such a bloody mess right now.

tallwivglasses Thu 24-Jan-13 11:01:32

How's it going, Utterly? Thinking of you x

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