Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I mad??(41 Posts)
DH had an affair 9 years ago we did all the upset guilt trip healing and some sort of normality although not the same returned. Just discovered Xmas eve that DH visited a prostitute a few months ago. DD gave me the idea he was having an affair and when I presented the suspicion he fes'd up to the brothel visit. This time however we agreed to leave it til after Xmas to discuss for sake of DC's Xmas and now we're there I'm not bothered about talking it through. I don't know if that means I don't care about the infidelity or that I don't care about the marriage. I really thought after all the hurt and apology last time I'd never be in this position. He is a really nice very steady ordinary man who just feels so lonely in our marriage he says due to our infrequent sex life ... Kids, work, elderly parents getting in the way etc. I'm upset ... Pride more than anything but I'm not feeling the need to dissect it all this time. Does that mean I don't care about the marriage?
Well said badinage.
I assumed tawes is a bloke too but either way their viewpoint is extreme and (i believe) not the viewpoint of decent men.
No Tawse (who's a man, I presume) said that because sex is so important to a man that if it isn't available, he will 'go elsewhere' which is utter, sexist bollocks.
Sex is important to most women as well as most men - no one sex has the monopoly on it. Consequently, if a sex life is poor that will be a threat to most relationships.
I've seen loads of threads on this site from women who love sex and are living in sexless relationships. Not one from a woman who thinks it's acceptable to buy it from a male prostitute though......
That's because it isn't acceptable, over and above the unacceptability of cheating.
I think focusing on 'the relationship' is a massive red herring here, in a thread where a man has been financially and sexually unfaithful with a prostitute, on top of a discovered affair. Fact is, people like this will feel entitled to look (and pay for) sex elsewhere regardless of the state of their relationship and their happiness within it.
Saying that someone who's happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat is just victim-blaming and IME quite untrue. Cheating is not always about 'happiness' or even dissatisfaction with a spouse.
It's about selfishness - and in the case of cheating with prostitutes, out and out misogyny, because a man who thinks that some women can be bought really doesn't respect or like women.
Thats true pendi, tawes57 didn't use those words exactly, but simply shrugging your shoulders and saying its inevitable is a form of acceptance. By accepting something you're as good as condoning it. That's just my personal opinion.
All relationships have ups and downs and the corner stone of any relationship is trust. You need to know that you can talk about issues and weather storms together. If one party is unhappy and their issue is a deal breaker then leave BEFORE engaging sexually with another person. Cheating should not an inevitable consequence of not having your needs met, sexual or otherwise.
I take your point though and will be mindful when posting not to put words in other posters mouths.
I don't think tawse said it was an acceptable reason to cheat, i think she meant it could be why he cheated~the reason in his mind and the thoughts behind it.
I get where she is coming from but i obviously don't condone that behavior. But it stands to reason someone happy in their marriage and with their spouse wouldn't cheat.
Tawes57, words fail me. That is very a selfish viewpoint. Lack of sex is NOT an acceptable reason to cheat. Talking to your partner and creating the right environment for them to WANT sex is. Weekend away without the kids, helping more round the house or getting a cleaner so partner isn't tired etc. It's funny how men of the type you're talking about aren't generally willing to spend money on these types things in the persuit of sex...
OP, I imagine you are in survival mode, it may be that deep down its just that you're not surprised this has happened and therefore have been living with this as a possibility for 9 years.
Only you know if you don't care about the marriage, I think the more important question is to have a good think about how you want your future to look. Write a paragraph of how your ideal life would look and compare it to what you've got/what you see in the future, then decide if you care enough to pursue your dream.
And OP you are not a bitch - he is the one firmly in the (very) wrong.
Tawsw57 what a disgusting post that is. You should be ashamed.
Hello there, tawse - or should I say Tulip. How's life on House Price Crash? Must be dead boring if you've got to liven things up with a raid on the mn relationships board. Or are all those estate agents in Swansea shut over the festive period?
What an insult to men, too. The poor dears just have to have it, otherwise they go all peculiar - so peculiar, in fact, that they lose the ability to talk to their wives. What kind of creature do you think a man is? Er, they were human beings last time I checked - same species as women - and human beings come in a whole spectrum of sexuality, or lack thereof. In a good relationship, two rational adults can discuss any incompatibility and come to a mutually respectful and affectionate compromise. Sneaking off to get a bit with random women, whether paid for or not, is not the answer; it's ducking the question.
Yes tawse57 Because thats the whole point of marriage isn't it ?
Keeping the man happy!!!!!!
To fuck with how the woman is feeling, as long as the man has his dinner on the table and sex on tap then everything will be hunky dory!!
What a load of utter Bollocks!
Wow this bloke is good....
Somehow he's managed to make spending family money on a prostitute and risking your health (oh, yes he could have caught something - condoms don't protect against everything) sound like such a traumatic experience and the only choice for a man who'd been made desperately unhappy by his wife.
That's quite some manipulation.
And it sounds like you're taking some of the blame..........
Wake up OP!! You're being manipulated to high heaven here.
Oh dear Tawse (interesting name...) What a shame your post is a load of bollocks.
Any decent ADULT man would not dream of fucking another woman simply because sex is infrequent or missing in his relationship with his wife, and to imply otherwise simply shows us what your standards in life are.
I appreciate that, in my case however he does tend to do his share in every way apart from this infidelity he is a very good DH. Well we've done the into the wee small hours chat. He got the AB's after the clear test having gone back to the GUM as he still had symptoms, they suggested a non specific urinary infection and tested him again and he was still clear of any STI. He showed me the texts they sent. He swears it was protected sex and he knows he couldn't have contracted anything but was so panicked by symptoms he went anyway. He understands if I want him go, he hates himself (probably for getting caught) but also he doesn't want to live with the likelihood of my punishment and a loveless marriage if I don't forgive him. He's offered to go to counselling, he thinks neither of us really got over his affair and he claims the sex has been bad since then and as he promised he wouldn't do that again he thought a prostitute was the better alternative. He says it was traumatic, seedy and he wished he hadn't done it. But as it hurt much because of the affair he couldn't/didn't want to discuss his loneliness and the lack of sex with me... He considered it his just punishment for last time. It doesn't seem 100% - but it' makes me feel a bitch! Might do the counselling.
Tawse57, I never read such utter sexist bollocks in my life.
OP - this sounds more like an affair or some random act of unprotected sex. He obviously thinks you'd be more okay with him paying for sex than an affair, hence the lie. For me personally, this would be far worse than an affair but regardless, two separate infidelities would be the death knell. I think you're probably numb because of shock and also because nothing could hurt as much as the first time. You've now lied to your daughter which although understandable in the heat of the moment and because of the time of year, cannot go on. It must have taken her a lot of courage to tell you her suspicions and the only reward she got for that was a lie......she's not stupid though. She'll either think you are though, or that both her parents are liars.
Don't take any notice of the drivel from the misogynist on the thread. He doesn't speak for all men.....just entitled wankstains who think that men will spontaneously combust if they don't have women dancing sexual attendance on them. Most men do not think like this poster - or your husband for that matter.
Goodness, no I see that you have many other posts on MN.
That somehow makes your post even more shocking.
Alien Invasion from another forum presumably?
Fuckity off now dear.
Tawse: the reason most women go off sex with their husbands (in relationships where the man complains that the woman is not sufficiently amenable to sex) is that the man is not doing his share of the domestic work and childcare, therefore the woman loses any feelings of desire for him: it's hard to want sex with someone who is treating you as a servant.
No bangs in your crackers this Christmas, Lozza?
I will get checked. I have had sex with him before I found out, it's infrequent but not non exsistent.
Sorry to be the bearer of more bad news, but you're best advised to go to a GUM clinic and get yourself tested for stis.
She's got exam's and enough pressure, she seemed content with the explaination. I didn't feel good about it my instinct was to protect them from any fall out, I still wouldn't want them to know why if I kick him out... I'm ashamed at failing and he ought to be ... I don't want them to have to feel ashamed too.
I am sorry that this is going on in your life and marriage.
The harsh reality is that men express their love through the act of sex and if a woman will not make love to her husband then the man feels unloved and unable to show his love - so he will go elsewhere.
There are many relationship specialists who say that it is cruel for a woman to deny sex to her husband. I agree. I can't think of a single man who will not become miserable, depressed and thoroughly unhappy at being in a sexless relationship.
I don't say the above to hurt you or to make you feel worse. I am just giving you the perspective of how important the sexual act is for a man. If you wish to save your marriage then please seriously consider the above and why sex is so important to a man. I know that you mention the kids, the parents, work, etc, etc, but sex is SO important to a man to show love to his woman that, without it, he will just walk out of the door eventually.
I hope you can overcome all the awful feelings that you feel now and find a way for you and your husband to have a happy, loving and sexual relationship going forward.
really? You would lie to the daughter who brought this to your attention to cover the back of your lying husband. Sorry, but thats awful and I am sure she doesnt believe you either now. kids arent that stupid......
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.