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I've been thinking.

(143 Posts)
FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 17:02:58

Hi I posted the other day about my dh hating the fact I'm close to my guy best friend.
If I'm honest it's all gone a bit down hill. I'm just going to write stuff down because its easier than keeping it all in my head.
He outright accused me of cheating on him. No evidence or reason to think this other than my friend texting me saying he was home from work (in the other thread I said about this, he was worried about falling asleep on the bus etc.... Very harmless jokey conversation). Anyway this hurt me more than I expected it to. It ruined Christmas for me, I couldn't look at him without feeling angry, I didn't want him near me or hugging me or anything. He sensed I was angry and said that he was leaving, he'd ruined christmas and he'd phone mil to tell her not to bother coming round. I told him not to be selfish, dd and ds were really looking forward to seeing mil. He said he didn't care and if they came round he would be going out. Then it changed to 'what do you want me to do? Leave or stay' I never said anything about going to him?! So this confused me, why was he making it all down to me?
I've been thinking about the past few years and everything all rolled into one just seems so wrong. When I went out for a night out I had a cigarette (I'd quit for 3 years because he didn't like it) I told him on my way home and he hung up, phoned back 2 mins later and said he'd taken 20 paracetamols and he wanted to die. I came home and found out that that was all a lie. I have no idea why he did this?
When I go out he bugs me about what time I'm coming home. It'll go something like this:
'Are you going to get the half 11 bus home?'
'Provably not that's quite early'
'Can you please just get that bus, I want to spend time with you before we go to bed' (baring in mind I go out on my own maybe once every two-three months)
He will phone and text throughout the whole time I am out to make sure I don't miss my bus, along with asking who's out, who I'm talking to and if any 'hot guys' have hit on me.
I will be honest and say that when he goes out I do ask what time roughly he'll be back, I never tell him a time and I don't mind what time he's back I just like to know if that makes sense? I don't phone him and just leave him to have fun.
He is a good husband and father, he is amazing with the kids, I can't fault him on that. He always tells me I'm pretty.
One thing he does do that really gets on my nerves is that he'll do something for me or buy me something, which is nice, but he'll go on and on about all the things he's bought me and done for me.

Anyway, I'm really sorry that's long but I had to write it down. I know everyone has complaints about their OH, I'm sure he has tons about me. I don't even think there's a point to my post, I just needed to get it out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 19:18:24

you have debt in your name run up by him ?

another red flag

he is financially abusive too

he is supportive of your Uni application because he has twigged it will make you even more dependent on him

my advice ?

defer the Uni for a year...get yourself and your kids away from him, before you have nothing of yourself left

you think I am being overdramatic ? (any lurkers think that, too ?)...well, I'm not. What your inner voice is telling you now is that this is not acceptable in a partner. Give it a few more months, you get tied up with Uni work and running yourself ragged looking after the kids as well as pandering to this inadequate will no longer know your arse from your elbow.

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 19:25:51

I dont think he's financially abusive. He has his own money, he buys his own stuff, he just adds some things now and then to my littlewoods account because he doesn't have one. He pays for it all each month.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 19:32:40

but if he stops paying every month ?

you have no concern about that ?

FrenchRuby Fri 28-Dec-12 19:40:23

I do worry about it.

JustFabulous Fri 28-Dec-12 20:02:32

You shouldn't be worrying your husband won't pay what he owes. You should KNOW he will never let you down, otherwise what is the point of your marriage?

AF is never over dramatic. She is very very very wise and you would do well to listen to her.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 28-Dec-12 20:02:42

and he knows it

Twattergy Fri 28-Dec-12 20:10:41

I guarantee that you will not be alone for the rest of your life of you leave this man. Me and all of my friends split with all of our partners aged between 28 and 30. All of us are back in relationships, some within a matter of months, some a few years. A bit of time on your own will probably show you how decisive and strong you actually can be. I'm not saying that leaving a relationship is easy, it's not, especially with children. But don't fear a future alone, fear a future of intense unhappiness trapped in the wrong relationship. You have many many years ahead of you, so plenty of time to make a change and get a better life.

ErikNorseman Fri 28-Dec-12 20:29:15

You can do uni without him. You will get housing benefit, tax credits and you may be able to get childcare grants or a career development loan. It is entirely doable.
You kind of need to examine your own motivation in clinging on to a man who makes you unhappy. Of course you want a stable family. But this man isn't it.

You would manage.

And, in my opinion, £1000 worth of debt you might get back is no reason to stay.

There are many ways you could manage - working, uni, access to benefits. You can do them in any order and they aren't mutually exclusive.

If you come up with three options - research them and see which works best for you. And as AF points what you do in 2013 might be different to 2014.

FrenchRuby Sat 29-Dec-12 09:26:42

Dh has now started following me in twitter. It's my birthday tomorrow and I'd arranged a night out and thought I would be a good time to see if dh and best friend could get along (its stupid, on paper they'd be such good friends, same interests, both into gaming etc..) but best friend is really ill so said he probably can't make it, I told dh and he said how do you know? So I said best friend had told me via twitter (which makes me wonder if he's been going through my texts because there wasn't any about him being ill, it had been a convo over twitter) so suddenly even though he had no interest in it before he's now set up and account.

prettywhiteguitar Sat 29-Dec-12 09:27:51

What do you think he's going to be like when you start at Uni and have Uni mates ? He could be unbearable.....

Honestly you are young, could meet some lovely educated guy at Uni who doesn't try to control your social life and your life could be amazing ! But if you stay with your h it could make the whole experience a nightmare.

Please ring women's aid, you can discuss the control thing with them and they can help you

StuffezLaBouche Sat 29-Dec-12 09:33:22

Prettywhiteguitar is exactly right about the uni men. It really opens your eyes to be surrounded by intelligent, sociable, pleasant men...your H will really up his controlling ways a notch once he realises this.

I would bet next month's salary that he looks through your texts on a regular basis. Of course he does. And would he ever let you have access to social media without him watching over you, vetting your contact?

Everything you say about him makes me so sad, but keep posting, keep reading and your eyes will gradually open. Do you have anything nice planned for today?

FrenchRuby Sat 29-Dec-12 09:39:11

I was supposed to be going out for my birthday with my friends(birthday is tomorrow) but dd has chicken pox and I don't think it's fair that mil has her when she's all spotty and grumpy, dh won't say to go without him, if I mention it he'll sulk.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 29-Dec-12 09:42:37

Of course he doesn't want you going out with out him - you might spontaneously have sex with another man! hmm
It is YOUR special day tomorrow - put your foot down and say I am going out with my friends, will you please look after dd. Sulking is utterly wankerish behaviour and should be ignored.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Sat 29-Dec-12 09:54:11

Are you the girl that married my ex?!
My biggest regret is letting him push my friends away, is make excuses not to see or speak to them as he'd kick up a fuss, feign illnesses and behave as yours does. Basically it resulted in lost youth, wasted years and losing what were amazing friendships.
My advice is hold onto your friends and family with both hands, don't fall for games and stand up to him. He's doing it to keep you but all it will do is push you away

FrenchRuby Sat 29-Dec-12 10:00:34

I think the twitter thing was the last straw, it may seem minor but I don't need to be monitored, I'm certain he would have gone through mine and best friends twitter with a fine tooth comb, I'm waiting for little things to come out now, little digs and questions, even though there's nothing to have digs about, he'll find something.

Allergictoironing Sat 29-Dec-12 10:51:47

^ he makes arguing very hard, he breaks down and cries and makes it very difficult for me to not feel guilty if that makes sense?^
Have you ever thought he does this BECAUSE it makes you feel guilty?
If I told him it was over he would cry and probably threaten to do something stupid to himself. Another incident of him trying to guilt-trip you.

Everything you've said about him in this thread and your previous one tells us he's a controlling bastard, and he will slowly get worse over time - slowly, because that way you will get more acclimatised to his behaviours & won't realise just how bad it has got until it's too late. I've watched this happening with friends in the past, watched them slowly being cut off from all their support network & ending up virtual non-persons who can't do anything without their "D"H's approval. And these women started out smart & sassy, just ended up that way over time sad.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 10:53:55

When you dump this millstone around your neck, and get to Uni, you will absolutely kick yourself for giving this inadequate the headspace you have.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sat 29-Dec-12 12:28:40

This predator targeted you when you were young and vulnerable. He doesn't 'love' you, he considers you something between a pet and an object, something that he owns and is entitled to punish and control.
You really do need to get away from him. DOn't worry about him killing himself, men like this love themselves far too much to do anything as useful as dying and getting out of your hair.

Longdistance Sat 29-Dec-12 12:34:03

He sounds very suffocating to me.

FrenchRuby Sat 29-Dec-12 13:02:59

I don't even know how to bring this up, as far as he's concerned everything is fine :/ I'm so used to just ignoring it and getting on with it.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 29-Dec-12 13:13:49

I think you have to know in your head and heart that there is no fixing this, no making it better. Until you have accepted you need to be apart, I think any discussions you try and have will lead to you being manipulated back and him upping his tactics.

FrenchRuby Sat 29-Dec-12 13:25:51

I don't think there is, we've had the same conversations over and over, it changes for maybe a month? And then goes back to before.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 29-Dec-12 13:28:31

You don't have to stay with him. You don't owe anyone a relationship.

Allergictoironing Sat 29-Dec-12 13:32:23

Of course everything is fine in his mind FrenchRuby, because you just try to get on with life while fitting in with his awful behaviour. So he gets what he wants, and you've been trained into not complaining.

Write out a list (I LOVE lists grin) of all the not-good stuff - you can use your posts on here as a starting point. Use that as the basis to tell him why you aren't happy. Then expect anything from one to all of the following list; list is unlikely to be exhaustive, I'm sure others will aff to it!

He will start to cry, & tell you that you're hurting him so please stop. Don't.
He will promise to change. He won't, or at least not in the long term.
He will pick up one tiny little aspect of one or two things on your list, and justify that to death. Then he will suggest that because he's managed to justify that one tiny little thing, everything is OK. He's then managed to turn the whole fact of him being a controlling shite into you over-reacting about something tiny.
He will tell you that you're imagining most of it, and the rest is all you over-reacting. You aren't doing either.
He will blame it all on those (insert his favorite derogatory word for non-compliant women) on MN for trying to tell you that your perfectly good marriage is bad. Or he may blame it on a family member/friend if he hasn't managed to isolate you from them all.
He may lose it & start shouting at you, though I get the impression he tends to manipulate you more by PA behaviours.

Over to you other MNers, add to the list of common ways men react to finally being stood up to.

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