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Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

(341 Posts)
notsuchaspringchicken Fri 28-Dec-12 10:18:33

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

notsuchaspringchicken Fri 28-Dec-12 13:06:37

i think it comes across in any profile i have had. Ive had it looked over by friends and things who have ok'ed it and made suggestions.

and to be fair, its not a humerous situation, ive made a few jokes at my expense, im asking for advice, not trying to pull you all smile

I know in real life im lovely and funny and Do have a nice personality, so i am going to ignore any thing to the contrary, im sorry about that.

I dont have an ' ideal' type, nor a list of things he has to be, im not that shallow. Saying that i do like dark hair and stubble. Someone clever, funny, interested in current affairs, reading would be nice, so would an appreciation of something other than football, beer and the sun newspaper smile Job,car and not living with parents are essential.

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 13:08:25

You did say that people (men?) found you intimidating?

Do you know why?

Are you or can you be too independent? Or are you very assertive?

As others mentioned, it would probably take people watching you to be able to really help.

HollaAtMeSanta Fri 28-Dec-12 13:09:26

Just looked at your pictures and you look fine! Definitely attractive. I don't however, think either shot is suitable for an online dating profile - so if you do want to try that again, use smily, clear, natural photos with just you in them, and include at least one full-length and at least one face close-up.

But as previously mentioned, internet dating is fairly pointless once you hit your mid-30s, unless you want to date older men...

Mosman Fri 28-Dec-12 13:11:26

You look lovely, no make overs required grin
I met DH through online dating and never looked back, you do come across some right plonkers though, just have to go on a lot of dates and I mean a lot almost turn it into a full time job.
I think I met 29 idiots and 1 nice one, so I married him immediately. (as in 3 months later, still together 12 years and 3 DC's later).

MariahScarey Fri 28-Dec-12 13:11:32

Ime all the available men I know (in 30s etc) don't make them selves available. It's hilarious. All go to a BLOKEY pub and chat to each other yet are desperate for women (like me - sounds vain sorry but want women their age ) are always asking me if I have single mates.

Was only thinking today that they'll not meet anyone as they don't put themselves out there! You do and still don't.

If I were single now id do online or find a nice pub with graduate type clientele (sorry but you know) where there's a nice mix of ages.

or stalk obsessively at a rugby club ;)

Good luck.

MariahScarey Fri 28-Dec-12 13:12:47

Oh and definitely lose weight. Don't let that be a reason as well as age to dismiss you out if hand

notsuchaspringchicken Fri 28-Dec-12 13:14:31

i am happy on my own smile that is true. Im not sitting at home waiting for a man, and tbh, most of the time i dont miss it. i also dont feel that i NEED to be in a realationship, id just quite like one.

I am independent, i could be that, i am confident, it could be that. Im not confrontational, but will say if i dont agree with something.

Ive been told by a male friend i am intimidating,because im pretty, and clever and funny and seem very together. I laughed in his face, because im not, not really. Maybe that wasnt the best reaction either smile

I dont want to date older men... not older than 38 really, and i dont hold out much hope for online dating, having tried it lots before. Its not the be all and end all.

I think i was just hoping for some kind of magic answer.... smile

notsuchaspringchicken Fri 28-Dec-12 13:16:37

also, the more upmarket sites just dont have many people in my area on them. So, i need to move... which might be a bit desperate!! lol

badtime Fri 28-Dec-12 13:17:31

I was single for about 5 years. I wore size 4 (yeah, the mythical US 'size 0'). I looked nice, was funny, interesting, all that stuff.

I realised eventually that there were a few reasons for my singleness:
-I am terrifying. I am intelligent, educated, attractive, and kind of naturally haughty looking, so men always thought I wouldn't be interested;
-some men think they need to impress a woman for her to be interested in them. I am not easily impressed, and men therefore got confused and went away. Or thought I was 'hard work'.
-I apparently don't know how to flirt. I thought I did, but when I did online dating (which I found useful and interesting, and I am still in touch with everyone I met) I realised that people didn't know when I found them attractive.

So yeah, maybe you are so intimidating that you need to telegraph a bit more when you are interested.

(I met a nice 34-y.o when I was 36 and have been living together for almost 2 years now)

Longdistance Fri 28-Dec-12 13:18:31

I hope you didn't mind, but I had a nosy at your pic.

I do think you are attractive, so I don't know why men wouldn't ask you out?

Are you very independent and maybe that puts them off.

I used to live on my own for about 5 years, and that used to repel men, as in fact I didn't really need one. My job used to attract a few takers, but when I was 'busy' at work away they'd think I wasn't interested. In fact I was out of the country, and sometimes worked weekends, so that put the men off. I'm also 5'10" myself, so all shorties were out of the question.

What sort of chap are you after? My dh sense of humour got me.

emsyj Fri 28-Dec-12 13:19:25

People used to tell me that I was intimidating - I just waited til I met someone who wasn't intimidated. Perhaps you just need to give it a bit longer. 5 years isn't that long to be single IMO and you have had plenty of interest, just not from men that you would choose to pursue a relationship with. Maybe you need to think about what you're looking for and where you're likely to find that sort of man. I met DH at a sports club (for a sport that I was oh, about 10% interested in...)

I do agree though that what you say your personality is like is not what is coming across on this thread: perhaps the way you come across in real life is not what you imagine? I tend to find you get what you give, and if you are very friendly and positive and have no problem making lots of friends then it does seem strange that you don't feel you get a great reaction from men that you meet.

Llareggub Fri 28-Dec-12 13:19:28

We are the same age. Why not give the older man a try? I did and was blown away by one I met - best night of passion of my life! Sadly it was not to be but we enjoy a good friendship.

LessMissAbs Fri 28-Dec-12 13:23:41

I find you a little intimidating! I'm trying to imagine if I was one of those much maligned creatures, a man, and I do think the constant referrals to how great your personality is and how confident and nice and interesting you are would give me the impression you considered yourself too good for me. And possibly a bit too full of yourself.

And I think I'm quite rigid in my distaste for older men, but no more than 4 years older and I'm not sure how many years younger, but you weren't keen seems a bit strict even to me!

You said you hadn't had any interest from men but also you've been on many dates and had two relationships?

Your OP is very critical of men for being interested in a slim, 20 year old woman at your work. It almost seems to suggest how dare they? Yet I do think some men might prefer such a demographic to a 34 year old size 16 single mother with health issues. Some men won't, but it seems to be your experience that many do.

I don't think thats shallow. I met DH through my participation in sport, and so did many of my friends. Many nice men want to meet women who have similar interests to them and don't just want to spend their time in the pub. Thats not shallow, thats pretty genuine.

nickymanchester Fri 28-Dec-12 13:29:17

higgle At 34 maybe you should consider men of 40 and a little bit more? ... A man a little boit older might be regretting the choice of a single life or well over any split with family issues resolved. Just thinking.

I must say that I really do agree with higgle.

I'm a year older than the OP and my DH is 11 years older than me. We've been married for eight years and have two DCs.

A couple of his friends, who are the same sort of age as him, are divorced and, were it not for me being totally smitten by DH, then I could well be tempted by them myself.

Ignoring a man just because he is over a certain age is just as bad as when men ignore women just because they are over a certain age - it works both ways. You could be missing out on some really nice people.

However, if the men you come into contact with at work are mostly either gay or 20 then perhaps I can understand why you don't find slightly older men attractive. Each to their own.

ike1 Fri 28-Dec-12 13:41:05

Y'know I think there is some truth in that Higgy ad Nicky....I am still sort of attracted to blokes I would have gone out with when I was 21....but at 38 a bloke with dreadlocks crusty style is not necessarily gonna bring me joy..

ike1 Fri 28-Dec-12 13:41:51

Soz Higgle

notsuchaspringchicken Fri 28-Dec-12 13:42:35

no,im not at all critical at the 20 year old and her offers, nor of the men that asked her out. its just interesting that its so different, thats all.

i wouldnt ignore a man who was older, ive had some dates with older men, i just dont tend to be attracted to them. i wouldnt apply a blanket rule though, if someone was great and happened to be 42, then of course i would date them ;)

and i wouldnt go on and on to any man, nor person about how great i am. Its just that it was brought up on here that i needed to be more friendly/ fun/ etc, and thats not the case at all. Im confused as to how any one would find me intimidating, but it has been said by a close friend recently. A school gate mother has massive hatred for me and yet again blanked me. My close friend, who is also friends with her told me that this woman is very intimidated by me and gave me a list of reasons. I dont see it myself, but it has been said to me a few times. Its entirelly possible i am too independent, but for goodness sake, if i wasnt, how on earth would i manage with life. i cant sit in waiting for prince charming to come rescue me smile

i meant that ive not had any real life interest, ive had lots of online interest, but thats not come to anything other than a string of first dates.

I also dont have health issues {confused} i have pcos with insulin resistance, which makes it very hard to lose weight. its not any kind of issue other than fat sticks to me like glue smile

notsuchaspringchicken Fri 28-Dec-12 13:44:26

ike - yep. i understand that. but again am fully aware that they are not the best people to be in a relationship with. Ive been on dates with older men. the last one i dated and dumped was 38. Ive had a date with a 41 year old. its no bones.

stubbornstains Fri 28-Dec-12 13:47:16

No ike, what you need at our age is a man with a sensible haircut who reminisces about his dreadlocks days...grin

ike1 Fri 28-Dec-12 13:50:02

Yes indeed stubborn must try to avoid those thrash metalheads...then again the last one was completely bald just thought he was still a raver...ah well it is a conundrum indeed..

notsuchaspringchicken Fri 28-Dec-12 13:51:17

but not so much so, that he refuses to grow up! lol

Which is another issue - they can seem all nice, and sensible and funny and lovely, and then you find out they only like getting hammered on a friday and sat, and eating cold pizza in their pants while playing x box!

NcNcNcNc Fri 28-Dec-12 13:56:20

You do come across quite scary and as if anyone said even the smallest 'wrong thing' you'd jump down their throat. Not a very relaxing person to be around?

You're very pretty though smile

maleview70 Fri 28-Dec-12 13:57:34

First things first, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you look.
The first picture in particular is lovely. The 2nd a bit more formal. What's your dating picture like?

How do you describe yourself on line?

Some men are driven by looks and weight. Half of my friends would not date anyone bigger than a size 12, but these are gym going types themselves. I assume you do not rule out men who are not toned?

I would never dismiss a woman because she wasn't spray tanned so wouldn't worry about that.

Maybe try different websites or join a group or something. One of my friends met his future wife on a cookery course. Another in a walking club.

ike1 Fri 28-Dec-12 13:59:22

Having looked quickly on POF this morn the only bloke I find remotely interesting has a kinda shaved mohawk ...but then his job appears to be a hairdresser (handy) he is looking for someone with equally silly hair (mine is pink) but only wants under 36 yr olds. I am 38/41 whats a woman to do eh????

ike1 Fri 28-Dec-12 14:01:14

The body fascism thing is an issue too ...its true that I personally would not be over enamoured with a chubby bloke but if he had a great face, style and personality it would not really matter. So I assume that blokes would feel the same?

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